Welcome to another edition of the news according to the knucklehead. Now I will follow some basic rules in these columns as I make light of the events in this world. Anyone in the public domain by their choice is fair game. If a person gains wealth, or power or fame because of us, we have the right to criticize their actions. I will not make fun of a religion or a person's personal beliefs nor will I joke about a disaster or tragedy. I also won't be agenda driven either to the left or right. I am a centrist and proudly declare myself as being one of those few whose political beliefs are in the far middle. Besides lampooning a top story or two, I will also try and find those strange, bizarre, little tidbits of news that get nestled deep within newspapers or television reports. You can let me know how I'm doing through the public comment section or if you wish you can drop me a thought at my email listed in the bio at the end of this article.
In the top of the news, Senator Larry Craig, R-Idaho, has announced he will resign his office effective later on or than again maybe he won't. The senator had decided, with the help of fellow Republicans standing over him with axes, that his current situation and the groundswell of voter outrage over his restroom problem would prohibit him from properly representing the ultra conservative voters of Idaho. That is until he decided to tell us all he was only kidding about resigning. Or maybe he will after all. The senator has pledged to fight the charges stemming from his restroom sign language conversations with police now that he has already pled guilty to a misdemeanor which he says he is innocent of. The senators actions leave for debate if he has enough on the ball to be in the legislature even if he is a poster boy for Posts Bathroom Etiquette.
Perhaps the senator is as dumb as a fox applying for a security job at the hen house. The senator as you all know by now was accused and pled guilty of using the Minneapolis airports facility as an E-Harmony, the restroom edition, to meet new people. The senator, who claims he is innocent, no doubt pled guilty just to try and flush this story out of view. But the stall in telling voters didn't work and now everyone in the world knows something about the senator doesn't sit right. Perhaps, after being caught doing something he says he didn't do but admitted to in court, he wanted to see what the voters in his district thought after a few days reflection on life in Idaho without Larry Craig. Maybe we should have all listened better when he stood before the cameras and said I intend to resign rather than say I will resign. It is important to remember that intentions by all politicians carry no more weight than any other campaign promise which is nil.
Perhaps the senator felt this would all go away if he tried to hide his arrest by pleading guilty to committing the hokie pokie in a restroom stall with another man. Yes, Senator Craig put his right foot in and his right foot out and when he shook it all about, a police badge was slid under the divider telling him he was about to have a long day..
Now I don't care whether the senator is gay or not. He is on record for the past 25 years as not being gay so why should I mind his continuing to tell me he isn't something when I don't care if he is or not. Instead of condemning Craig, I would rather thank the senator for bringing to light some of the don'ts I should make sure I practice while in a public restroom.
Now the newest fad phrase in America is wide stance which is what the senator is claiming caused his foot to wiggle against the police officers in the next stall. Actually I can understand that happening. On more than one occasion, after having mystery meatloaf and six bags of airline peanuts on a flight I also used what I would consider a wide stance. The principle difference between the senator and I is while I was doing this, everyone else was running out of the restroom and no one was thinking at that moment of being my stall buddy.
I also didn't know that running ones hand under the others stall was a sexual signal. In years past I just assumed the other guy had run out of toilet paper and I handed some over, or should I say under. At least now I know why my kindness was met with cussing rather than a thank you. Of course that happened years ago when I was younger and still pretty.
Changing the subject, or at least I hope you think I'm changing the subject, a 12,000 year-old walrus penis garnered $8000 on the auction block of a Beverly Hills auction house. It had been hoped the artifact would fetch up to twice that amount but it seems the market for fossilized penis bones has dried up in recent millennia. The winning bidder ended up being Ripleys Believe It or Not Museum which plans to proudly send the 4 -foot-long walrus making device around the country so that Americans everywhere can see it. Personally I have enough problems with my psyche without having to see anyones plumbing that is measured in feet rather than millimeters. The second highest bidder had intended to use the fossil as a weather vane but when they found out their city had an ordinance against walrus penis weather vanes, they dropped out of the bidding.
Medicare has decided to finally hold doctors and hospitals accountable for their mistakes but not until October of 2008. The new proposal by our nations health care insurance provider will discontinue the practice of reimbursing a hospital for mistakes they make such as amputating the wrong leg or arm or perhaps doing any amputation on a patient who was admitted for a tonsillectomy. They will also no longer foot the bill for second operations to remove something inadvertently left in a patient during surgery such as sponges, clamps, Rolex watches or cell phones. Medicare also intends to prohibit doctors from charging the patient for excessive roaming charges if in fact they misplace their BlackBerry inside someones duodenum.
Many hospital organizations intend to fight this new bill stating not being able to get paid for doing something wrong will further increase everyones medical costs. The concept of holding doctors and hospitals to the same standards we apply to car mechanics, building contractors and short order cooks at the local greasy spoon just doesn't seem to sit well with many in the health care profession. It is hoped that Medicare will also stop paying for autopsies performed on patients who have yet to pass away.
Well my son is entering his last year at Illinois State University in Normal Illinois and for the first time in four-plus years, the faculty at this university is making sense to me. It seems the marketing department of the School of Business has decided that in order to help make students become better prepared for the real world, they should be required to come to class in at least causal business attire or better. Now the students, who mirror the slobbery that college students across the nation are embracing, believe this is totally unfair. They claim not being able to go to marketing classes in pajama pants and nasty, worn out, flip-flops is tantamount to fascism. The students, who make most homeless people look like Beau Brummels don't understand that the best marketing idea in the world won't get listened to by a serious business person if the messenger looks like a slob. The students are planning a protest which I believe I will attend. I can't wait to accidentally step on the unprotected toes of all those flip-flop, modern day hippies.
Speaking of attire, Major league Baseball has been cracking down hard on how their ballplayers look on the field as well as the managers. Chicago Cubs manager Lou Piniella has received notice from the MLB fashion police that his wearing a Cubs pullover over the uniform of the day could get him a $1000 fine. The manager who decided his 60-plus-year-old bones needed something heavier than a uniform shirt to ward off the chills of a night game in San Francisco isn't alone in being reprimanded by the league. Boston Red Sox manager Tito Francona actually was visited in the dugout last week in the middle of a game against Bostons arch rival, the NY Yankees and was told he needed to take off a sweatshirt he was wearing. Francona who has circulatory problems couldn't believe MLB officials had nothing better to do than watch to see who didn't look their Sunday best for the national cameras at the game.
Now I can understand MLB outlawing the baggy pants being worn below the hips which is all the craze these days. I could see how this would greatly slow down a ballplayer trying to run out a ground ball all the while his knickers are traveling down his legs. I also can understand not allowing ballplayers to wear those dreaded flip flops during a game, as even with cleats; I doubt a ballplayer can get up much of a head of steam chasing a fly ball to deep center. Picking on our old-timer managers, however, seems to go beyond the norm. Surely MLB can find something better to do like find out who is on Superman drugs or playing with a hangover in games. The former would explain the performance of some; the latter would explain that of others.
And finally, Texas is having a serious problem with spiders or at least they believe they are spiders in the plural. It seems the Lake Towakoni State Park is home to a 200-yard-long spider web along one of its hiking trails. The web, twice as long as a football field has entomologists debating how it was created. Although most think it was spun by a mass exodus of cobweb spiders, many hikers are staying away from the area just in case the alternative of one 800 pound spider being in charge of the construction could be true. It seems the creators of the web are nowhere around as the giant web is filling up with millions of mosquitoes, a few hikers and every so often, a small airplane.
Freelance writer, columnist, author and writing coach, ex-Chicagoan Mike Fak presently resides in Central Illinois. More information about Mike's services are available at his home website www.mikefak.com
Mike currently writes primarily humor columns for searchwarp bi-weekly and is the managing editor of www.lincolndailynews.com
» left by Marjory & Duane (1 year 89 days ago.)
We look forward to Mike's musings. He is a genius! Respond to this comment
» left by Mike Fak(6,526) Mike Fak (1 year 89 days ago.)
Thank you. I wouldn't go that far. In fact I wouldn't even start that journey. I hope to have a little fun with the news once a week or so so keep your eye on searchwarp and spread the news to all those Illinoisans that Fak isn't dead...he's just been transplanted. Respond to this comment
» left by Pooley (1 year 88 days ago.)
Great piece Mike!!
Looking forward to all of your new stuff,and your next book.(HINT-HINT) Respond to this comment
» left by janetta from article (1 year 69 days ago.)
wonderful. very funny. janetta Respond to this comment
» left by Mike Fak(6,526) Mike Fak (1 year 69 days ago.)
Thank you Janetta. I will try to keep up your enthusiasm twice a week on Mondays and Thursdays. Respond to this comment
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