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A tragic event unfolded last year in the parking lot of the Greenbrier Mall in Chesapeake , Va. A young woman was shot to death by her ex-boyfriend, who then turned the gun on himself and committed suicide.
Just as tragic was an email posted on The Virginian-Pilot's website commenting on the murder. It was written by the ex-boyfriend's old high school girlfriend and said:
"I knew Robert well. I dated him for two years in high school. Honestly, I'm not surprised by his actions. He stalked me when I broke up with him and harassed the new guy I started dating weeks later. He would wait for me outside of my college classes and start arguments with me. He even pinned me against my car and told me that he loved me and couldn't live without me, and if he couldn't have me, no one else could. He was very good at putting on a facade and leading people on. He did it to me, and I'm sure he did it to others. I only wish he had gotten help for himself because then perhaps Claire's life would have been spared."
It's the line "I only wish he had gotten help for himself ..." that should be noted by young women. If they know what to look for, they can avoid these predators. Wishing that demented people come to the realization that they're sick and need help hasn't worked up to now and won't work in the future.
Each person, college, and organization has a responsibility to make itself predator proof. Learning how to spot predators isn't easy because they're smart. But there are red flags you can spot that can keep you safe and even save your life.
One of the most important things to remember is that predators don't hide in bushes. If being safe to you means looking out for strangers, you'll never see the real threats until it's too late.
According to statistics from the Department of Justice, FBI, and National Victims Center , 85% of attacks on women are from someone familiar to the victim -- classmate, friend of a friend, neighbor, relative, spouse or boyfriend, workmate, or new acquaintance.
Because most attacks are NOT performed by strangers, we need to move beyond the traditional "Stranger Danger" approach taught in many programs and learn how predators look, act, and choose their victims.
Some people enter relationships with predators, and some people cross paths with predators. Knowing how to spot predatory behavior can greatly minimize the chances of becoming a victim.
Predators are deceptive, tricky, and manipulative. They hide and mask their true intentions. They come in big and small packages.
Many women are taught to "punch him in the nose, kick him in the groin, or scratch his eyes." A young lady from another state did just that to an acquaintance who made strong, unwanted advances to her. She punched him, and he proceeded to kill her. Had she been aware of the predator red flags, it's possible she may still be alive.
Predators usually follow a methodical approach, which means if you know what to look for you can spot and avoid them. Being aware of a healthy and unhealthy interaction is key to avoiding predators, who normally start their process with the "interview."
The interview is an attempt by the predator to reveal certain characteristics in the potential victim, such as shyness or timidity. They also look for signs that their target is alone, isolated, and controllable. The interviewer also assesses nonverbal language. Predators are watching to see if the body language is meek, retiring, or confident.
Developing certain characteristics in women will help them become invisible or undesirable to predators. I call it building a safety A.R.C. The attributes are:
· Awareness, assertiveness and attitude
· Recognize, repel and respond
· Commitment, courage and confidence
The key to building predator proof campuses is to understand how predators act, look, and think and to empower women to shift from a potential victim persona to a powerful personal persona that creates a protective shield.
Warning Signs
Most attacks on women are committed by someone familiar to the victim. Be aware of the following red flags:
· No. If a "no" is not respected, it's a red flag. Saying "no" does not require justification or explanation.
· Playful insults. The predator is trying to see what you're willing to put up with.
· Boundaries. What are your boundaries? A predator will test those boundaries.
· Degrading. Comments that make you feel bad.
· Alienation. Trying to push away friends and family.
· Obsession. 15 phone calls in 45 minutes is obsession not love. Distinguish between the two.
· Guilt. Someone who makes you feel guilty. It can't always be your fault.
Mathew Obenaus, co-founder of SafeU headquartered in Chesapeake, Virginia, is an expert on predator behavior and teaches safety workshops nationwide to groups, schools, colleges, businesses and more. Contact him at (757) 630-0662 or at www.safeU.us .
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Article added to SearchWarp.com on Monday, September 10, 2007 View other articles written by Mathew Obenaus(45)
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