| “Depression, the silent killer.” I hate the commercial that states that, it’s become so cliché now. When drugs are mentioned on every channel, it really seems like well, maybe you really are depressed, doesn’t it? It does for me, which makes me fight against it.
I get depressed – or, more accurately – episodes of depression. It’s part of the post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) that I deal with. When my PTSD is triggered I can fall into the dungeons of depression. I can admit it now, it scared me to death the first time I realized I might be depressed, as I envisioned a life of constant medication and – worse still – that I might understand the significance of that bouncing turnip-looking thing in those Zoloft commercials.
“Depression hurts, not just you, but your family, everyone around you.” I’ve heard that one as well, along with, “depression is just anger turned inside.” But with so many hackneyed phrases, do you really get an idea of what depression is? Here is what I initially thought depression entailed:
- Eating bonbons all day
- Lying around in bed
- Fatigue
- Suicidal thoughts
- Destructive behaviors (such as the bonbon eating)
- Not returning phone calls
Here were my symptoms when I finally admitted I was depressed:
- Irritability
- Excess energy and the inability to stay still
- Inability to sleep
- An urge to not be cooped up (resulting in me walking rather than take the subway)
- Restlessness
- Not returning phone calls
- Destructive behaviors (nail-biting to the point of bleeding)
There was no fatigue or bonbons. Because of this, I didn’t think it was depression, so figured I just had a touch of ennui. It’s such a nice word, isn’t it? ‘Ennui’ – pronounced something like ‘On-We’. Of course, the dictionary.com definition of ennui is – yup – depression.
So, to change it even more, and deny the frightening idea of something I didn’t understand, I called it emu instead. Emu – a flightless fowl. I joked that I was ‘riding the emu’ and would soon make a stop and dismount.
But depression doesn’t work like that. You can’t really tell yourself to ‘snap out of it’ or have others do that, it can just make the depression stronger. Depression is an illness of not just the mind, but the body. It is a chemical imbalance but also, it’s natural. You aren’t happy 100% of the time, it would be exhausting. There are times when depression is warranted, when it’s okay to be sad.
It’s when it lingers that it becomes clinical depression. There is also dysthymia, which is a constant light depression. In fact, even within the ‘Depression Umbrella’ there are many different forms. Per Psychology Today depression also comes with real and generally unidentifiable, physical pain. The pain is very real, and usually the first symptom. In fact, new theories state that it could be this unidentifiable pain that can lead to depression, rather than the other way around. Also, those in chronic pain can end up developing depression – and I can see why. It’s never pleasant to constantly hurt.
While changes in eating and sleeping habits are symptoms that may signal depression, there are as many different signs of depression as there are people – it’s quite varied. The depression indicator form that I have to fill out every few months asks questions about how often I cry, my energy level, feelings of self-worth (which tend to go down when you’re depressed), my interest in activities I usually enjoy, restlessness, irritability, etc. These are all indicators of depression.
There is something important I think needs to be said here – never diagnosis yourself from a commercial. When I first realized I identified with the symptoms in the commercial I was terrified and didn’t tell my doctor the truth about how I was feeling. When I finally calmed down, we were able to discuss how everyone goes through cycles of depression in their life and it doesn’t necessitate a life-time of little pills. However, some people do have more severe medical needs, and it isn’t something to be afraid of. We need to take care of ourselves, mind and body, and depression attacks both mind and body.
Depression does separate me from my friends. When I’m riding the emu, I’m riding it far from civilization. I want to be left alone to seethe and cry as I run laps. But, I also want to stop the ride. I also recognize things in my life that might have led me to hop on that bird and zoom around the city. And, most importantly, I realize that depression doesn’t mean I’ll be beholden to drugs like those I see on television for the rest of my life. I recognize it as an illness, and treat it as such. Attacking yourself and doubting yourself doesn’t help anything. But envisioning the emu running off into the sunset (riderless) is a wonderful thing.
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