My name is Mary and I’m a mean parent.
Like the other member of Mean Parents Anonymous (MPA), I have paid my dues: the long accounting of snotty comments, dirty looks, appendages lifted in my honor, exasperated huffs, slammed doors, chucked items, and enough “whys" to split King Solomon in half.
My crimes include, but are not limited to:
- Identification and communication of their whereabouts and activities.
- Encouraging them to get a job AND save some of their paycheck.
- Requiring a clean room and a bit of help around the house.
- Payment for some gas when tooling around for no reason.
- Speaking to them with respect and demanding the same back.
- Allowing them to bear the consequences of their own behavior.
- Being able to pronounce the word “no."
- Simple rules for clean and appropriate clothing, which implies use of their senses, namely sight, smell and common.
- Aiding and abetting other authority figures.
- Meaning what I say and saying what I mean.
I plead guilty to multiple counts of the above, have no remorse and do not fear punishment. Since a mean parent’s children function as judge, jury and jailor, punishment takes many forms, the worst being isolation, a type of family solitary confinement.
Isolation works like the cooties. Cast out from their inner circle, devoid of the details of their day, you experience the dreaded “silent treatment." (Now you know why I have no fear. It’s more like a vacation.)
Unfortunately, this doesn’t last very long as your kids will be unable to tolerate your confinement any better than Paris took to hers. This time off from hearing about their behavior will be short-lived as they soon discover they need you for nearly every aspect of daily life.
Despite the little perks of mean parenthood such as this, some parents need may special help accepting their lot in life. Hence, the need for the Mean Parents Anonymous 12-Step Program.
Uncomfortable mean parents should remember to take each step one by one at their own pace. Begin by stating your name, admitting that you are a mean parent, and follow it with the following 12 statements:
- Admit that you have all the power and that family life is manageable when adults are in charge.
- Believe that a Power greater than you blessed you with this child who challenges your sanity.
- Decide to turn a good portion of your lifetime over to the care and raising of a healthy competent future adult.
- Make a fearless inventory of what is best for your kids. That involves having them share some jobs around the house, talking to others with respect and encouraging them to do their best.
- Acknowledge there might times you swear you don't know where they inherited the nature of their wrongs.
- Be entirely ready to remove all of their defects of character as soon as you get rid of your own.
- Humbly ask God to overlook your own because you are really busy right now.
- List all things done by your children that you have corrected and be willing to consider admitting years later if you were ever wrong. (It’s probably a short list.)
- Plan to make amends to this short list when possible, although not probable.
- Continue to take close inventory of the persons under your care even as they get mouthier and nastier.
- Pray for the knowledge and courage to continue providing parental guidance and supervision until they are of the age of reason or until age 30, whichever comes first.
- As a result of following these steps, acknowledge that you am trying to show your children how to grow into a responsible adult though you realize right now your messages may fall on deaf ears.
The real issue is about meaning. Children define “mean" as nasty and unfair: A parent defines this same behavior as being responsible, caring, protective and loving. Once the parental meaning of “mean" internalizes, making mean decisions is easier and being called “mean" is edifying.
Just tell yourself that someday, your kids will know what you mean.
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