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If your spouse has cheated on you, your natural reaction would probably be a combination of anger, rage, disappointment, bitterness, retaliation, extreme sorrow, revenge and giving up. All these are negative. If you do any or all of them, you put your marriage at risk of ending. But how should you respond towards your cheating spouse?
The first thing to do is pray and pray fervently. Only God can change a human heart so appeal to Him to do so. Then take action. Whatever action is taken is with the objective of bringing your cheating spouse to repentance and ending the illicit relationship. Here are things you should NOT do.
Things You Should Not Do
Do not spy on your spouse. This invasion of privacy will only cause greater friction in your relationship. Do not condemn your spouse. A holier-than-thou attitude would drive him or her even further from you. Do not be pedantic over every little detail of your spouse's behavior. Demanding perfection from him does not give him room to fail and come back to you. Do not issue an ultimatum, either. Don't threaten your spouse with the usual, "You come back to me or else". He may just choose the 'or else' and your marriage is as good as over. Now let me share what you CAN do.
What You Can Do
At the same time, do not be taken advantage of or taken for granted. You have a right to press for commitment and loyalty from your spouse. You can ask him to account for his whereabouts and activities. But be sensitive in doing so. If you suspect an affair it is alright to ask for an explanation of his relationship with the third party. If there is admission, then set out a plan to restore your relationship. If there is no admission, just let things be for now. Do not confront or accuse your spouse of an affair without hard evidence. Acting as though you are ignorant is the best approach. The longer you act ignorant, the more evidence you may be able to gather. An admission may come later if you do things correctly now. Let's say it has become crystal clear that your spouse is cheating. What then?
If it is clear that your spouse is cheating and does not want to give up the relationship, you have to persuade him to do so. But the means by which you do that is important. What about leaving your spouse as a way of making him give up the relationship? Personally, I would not advise that unless there is physical abuse involved. But if it does not come to that, I feel it is important to remain in the home even though it is painful to watch your spouse having an affair. There are things you can do while you are still living under the same roof.
You can show your dissatisfaction and disapproval by what you do or don't do. For example, you can cook only for the children or sleep in separate rooms. If your spouse has enough sense to see how this affects your relationship and more so how it affects the children, it should cause him to re-think his relationship with the third party. But if you leave him, you lose any opportunity to influence him to give up his relationship. Here are some practical steps I suggest you take.
Practical Steps To Take
If at all possible, have a heart-to-heart talk with your spouse. Discuss the earliest time when you sense something went wrong with your relationship. Find out in what way your relationship changed. This is to pinpoint the root causes for the breakdown in your relationship. Once these root causes are found, help one another to remove them. But be careful of one thing, though.
Do not only highlight the changes your spouse needs to make. YOU must be willing to change first. Ask your spouse what changes about YOURSELF he or she feels you should make and then make the changes as far as you can for the sake of your spouse. Then only can you expect your spouse to change himself or herself. Re-live the way you used to in the past that brought you both much joy. Re-ignite the feelings you once had for each other. Re-connect by communicating with one another in fresh new ways. But don't only redo the past good things.
Try new things together. As long as they are either new or interesting or innovative and enjoyable, it's worth a try doing it as a couple or a family. The purpose is to re-discover the excitement of being a couple or a family. Here are some suggestions.
Do you have small children? Try something fun together. Throw a costume party, a treasure hunt, a family outing, a friendly competition (father and daughter versus mother and son), a family quiz etc. Children have a special ability to draw parents close together.
Do you have common interests? Indulge in it together. Go to a music festival, paint something together, visit art galleries, watch movies, share jokes, cook dishes together, do a common project, get involved in community work together etc. The aim is to spend quality fun times that will bring you closer together. All these activities are great, but let's not forget the way you behave towards one another daily. It's important there is some change in that also. Here's what I mean.
Put in what may be missing in your relationship. It may be mutual support or affirmation or encouragement or understanding or quality time together. You may not have outwardly appreciated your spouse enough. Then find ways to do so. You may never have given him reason to feel proud of himself. Encourage him in his achievements or whatever is important to him. Maybe you may not have boosted his ego often enough. If so, then lavish him with praise. Wife, believe me, your husband THRIVES on praise and well-deserved strokes of his ego, so be sure to tell and show him how great a guy he is. For sure you need to ignore his faults. Focus on his strengths. This is one sure way to win back his heart. And here's another sure way.
Be sure to speak one another's love language. If your husband responds to physical touch, caress him or touch him. If he likes words of encouragement, speak encouragement often to him. If he is the type that responds to acts of service, then be pro-active and do things for him. Likewise if it is quality time, spend the time and lastly if he responds best to giving gifts, make sure you surprise him often with gifts. In time, he will inevitably reciprocate the same to you. This is how you make each other feel good. I have written a FREE report, "Practical Tips on Improving Your Marriage" that you can download from http://www.savemarriagestoday.com.
Conclusion
It is never easy to deal with a cheating spouse. Doing all the above may take time and effort, but if done correctly would make your cheating spouse willingly break off the relationship with the third party. That is the ultimate goal in saving your marriage. After more than 20 years as a minister counseling couples facing marital problems, I sincerely desire that your marriage succeeds and brings you much happiness and blessedness.
» left by Shonda Pleasant from Orlando, Fl. (238 days 9 hours ago.)
THis is a very good article, however my question is what if my husband has left because he is cheating, but is very confused on what he wants to do right now... I want to save my marriage, what do I do.
» left by H Wood from North Carolina (44 days 14 hours ago.)
I think the desire to save a marriage is wonderful, however, if a spouse is determined to cheat on you they will and nothing you do or say will change that. How do you advise someone who has a spouse who continually cheats again and again, and has no intention of stopping?You have not made mention of this.
Thank you for your question. My apologies for this belated reply. I have been thinking deeply about your question. My response is that if a cheating spouse refuses to even try to stop, then I would advise the other spouse just to show her disapproval through the means I mentioned in my article. Hopefully her actions and words would change the heart of the cheating spouse.
But I do not advocate divorce as far as possible. Even separation should only be done if there is physical violence. It may seem unfair to the faithful spouse but I believe in marriage being until death no matter how hard it may be.
You have correctly said that only the cheating spouse himself can determine to change. If he refuses, even despite the disapproving actions of his spouse, then it's best for the faithful spouse just to move on with her life - find new friends, pursue her own dreams, do the things she enjoys etc - but as far as possible do not divorce.
Thanks once again for your question. Hope my answer helps.
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