Now that summer is fading I have noticed a tendancy in myself to stop exercising and jump back into my big, comfy, concealing sweatpants to watch the glory that is fall. In other words, soon I will have the fitness habits of an anemic slug, since sweaters hide a lot. Anticipating this, I decided to bite the bullet and return to my gym.
It is kind of ironic that I should call it “my" gym – since I really don’t know the first thing about it, having been away for so long. I had to pull over in the car and think about where it was for a minute, it had been so long since my last visit. “That’s okay," I muttered to myself, pulling up my leg warmers and adjusting my dance leotard, “I’m sure things can’t have changed that much." Surprise!
First of all, when I reached the glass front door I could barely move it, which kind of scared me. Was I that weak? I had come back just in time. Oh, no – turns out they had a heavy box of bananas in front of it – bananas are now playing a crucial role in exercise, it turns out. All the weightlifters were walking around eating them and flexing, which I have never thought of as activities that go together, but okay, I was hip to it. I walked over to the front desk, where they smiled pleasantly, if vacantly, like you do to a total stranger.
“Hi, I am here to work out, and I can’t remember my membership number," I said, looking around. So many sweaty, fit people! They seemed to know some kind of secret, these people – they had a level of concentration you usually only see when you watch Nova. I was re-issued my membership number, and directed towards the women’s locker room to change. “Who would change these?" I wondered aloud, admiring my leg warmers, husband’s sweat socks and my sneakers that light up in the back when I walk, as I passed rows and rows of intimidating equipment on my way to store my purse.
Once back out in the gym, I took stock of my options. I could either run on thirty different treadmills, lift thousands of weights, or take a very loud spinning class, which is not a Brothers Grimm option of spinning straw into gold, as I was hoping, but instead pretending that you are outside being tortured to death on a bicycle. I chose a treadmill.
Now, to work modern exercise equipment you need patience, fortitude, and a love of laser light shows that constantly show you how little progress your out-of-shape self is making. I got on the treadmill and began studying my written instructions, while pretending for the sake of all the banana-eaters that I was just lolly-gaggin’ around, ‘cause I’m a free-wheelin’ exercisin’ gal. Have you ever tried to read something on the sly? It’s very difficult. Talking to yourself helps – it seems to make you appear more casual, for some reason. “All-righty here, lets just go with a random program," I muttered non-chalantly, and then followed that up with a knowing laugh. I shrugged casually. “Three minutes ought to do ‘er." What was I, a cowboy? As I started treading the mill, I held on to the hand rails for balance and looked around. Okay, it appeared that everyone had added something new to exercise while I had been away – cleaning. I watched, fascinated, as exercisers finished with their machines and then staggered to a paper towel dispenser and returned to their machine to spray it with some sort of disinfectant. Huh! I don’t have as serious a spray bottle in my whole home – the place where I cook food and raise kids. I was literally learning something every minute in this gym. I had been away too long.
Next, I decided to do some floor exercises – which is exerciser’s code for lying on the ground and watching the “Today" show while doing “crunches." The modern sit-up resembles absolute stillness, so it really doesn’t matter – if you want to watch TV instead, go for it. Everyone thinks you’re exercising. Just exhale loudly and mumble “my sun is in the house of my fathers," or something like that, and everyone respects your yoga time.
“How was the gym?" my husband asked that night. “Well, I ate bananas, cleaned a little, and watched the Today show – I should be in shape in no time," I answered. And I really am thinking of going back. Next week at the gym we’re learning how to make fruit smoothies in the blender!
» left by Anonymous (2 years 29 days ago.)
Thanks Deirdre, 5 banannas to you. Going to the gym can still be doing it your' my way. Progressive ongoing action (exercise) produces positive results. Please do not leave out proper nutrition, and the eating of whole live unprocessed foods, in the right combinations for proper digestion and assimilation. - Cooking destroys and alters the enzymes, amino and essential fatty acids, minerals and vitamins, that are Necessary for a vital immune system, Whole Health and Wellness, and Dis-Ease Prevention. Thanks again, I have to leave for the gym, the (d)readmill awaits. ha! Just kidding. - JW Respond to this comment
» left by Deirdre Reilly(432) Deirdre Reilly (2 years 28 days ago.)
Hi JW,
Thanks for reading! You are right - nutrition is key, and also blood sugar levels throughout the day. A close friend of mine has been studying this lately - very interesting. I make fun of my workout efforts, mainly because I am kind of clumsy. :-)
Thanks again! Respond to this comment
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