Let me ask you, is being a step dad easy or hard?
I know its a silly question. But some step dads are so shocked when
things are not as easy as they thought. And they put themselves in a
position of giving up. This is not Britney Spears' Parenting. This is
about a way to free yourself.
Lets put it on record and examine the worst possible reaction: 20 to Life, the Step Dad Death Sentence.
Occam’sRazor: The simplest explanation is usually the best
The problems arise when its up against your role as the dad. You are
expected to set the rules and to enforce those rules. Balance this out
you are also expected to offer support, and in the realm of emotional
support is where a whole lot can go wrong if you and your step kid are
on different pages. The trouble comes when you just can't seem to talk
to your step kiddo. They just won't listen. They don't do what you tell
them to do and your conversation just ends up in a fight. One of the
main reasons is very obvious and yet understanding this will show you a
way to overcome it.
To start with with, Step Kids have different patterns of behavior
than yours. They come from a different family. And when you arrive you
bring in your patterns, different patterns. Your step kiddo now sees
you as a challenge when you don't speak in their way. Test it.
- Do you ask them after school if they have homework and expect a
yes or no answer only to be given a story about them and a friend
talking to Ms. so and so. And the story goes on and you only get more
frustrated! You just want the yes or no answer.
You have just entered the world of Sorting. You want to know
what they have, activity wise and your step kiddo sorts by people and
tells you the answer with stories about who he was with, how they saw,
etc. Sorting is one of 25 Factors that you can learn to observe and understand and through this process
understand where you fit in with your step kiddo. Knowing these 25 factors
can take out the stress and frustration that you feel when you try to
talk to your step kid. Learn these and connecting becomes so much
easier. Don't learn these and continue to argue and pull out your hair
every time you try to get an answer.
And they challenge you and then it starts...you finally put up that wall and create a prison.
You shut them out because your motto becomes "my way or the highway."
"Do it now, because I said!" You have just been sentenced to 20 to
Life. There is no judge, no jury. You have brought on you own sentence.
It comes down to you giving up.
You begin to build distance. You take over the room and at times
even leave the room when your step kid comes in, just so you won't have
to be next to them. This you believe will stop the arguments. You begin
to think that not talking is better than arguing. Then you begin to go
to bed early in order to get away. This builds up your sentence even
more.
And then around 18ish years your step kid moves out and your are
finally free, or so you think. Soon your step kid has a baby. Your
grand kid that you never see. 20 to Life Sentence shows itself again.
Realizing that you are missing out on holding the baby, the precious
life. You miss out on hearing the cries the laughter and looking into
the eyes, the very soul of your grand baby.
And then it hits you. You realize you are sentenced. You thought 20
to Life was going to be easy. Just check out and think it is easier
than connecting with your step kiddo. You begin to realize the true
pain, that it is harder to serve your sentence than it could've been if
you only did something different. Like taking the time to learn and to
use the 25 Factors.
But you decided to take over the room and check out. You decided to
leave the room and become invisible. You decided to go to bed early and
just disappear completely. You decided to give up and serve your
sentence.
This is all hypothetical of course. You can free yourself from this Death Sentence by making a commitment to your step kid:
- understand yourself and forgive.
- notice your step kiddo and understand them, how they make things real, what their patterns are.
We only touched upon 2 generations. Your step kiddo and your grand
baby. Native Americans have a saying, "Think 7 Generations out." Think
of the impact of your Death Sentence on your grand baby babies. And on
their babies. You impact quiet a few lives with what and how you act
today. Free yourself from the 20 to Life sentence.
Understand your impact 7 generations out, and do something
different. Don't just check out because you think it is easier than
connecting. Take the time now to notice your step kid's patterns, they
most likely will be different than yours and then you get to begin to
notice your patterns and connect with them. You then learn that you
don't have to force it. You begin to appreciate it.
20 to Life is a harsh sentence for a Step Dad. And that sentence
that you put on yourself is harder than taking the time to do something
different. I hinted at patterns. There are 25 patterns or Factors that
you can notice that will allow you to understand them and to understand
you. Through this understanding you will be able to communicate better,
connect more, and build a life that will have a positive impact on the
7th Generation. We cover these patterns in Step Dads 101 Beginner's Guide that you can get at the web site mentioned at the end of this article.
You make the decision, you are the judge, you are the jury. It's a
harder road to take 20 to Life, than it will be to begin to do
something different. Even if its admitting that it can be better...and
then do something about it.
Now is very short, and this today will never happen again. This is your time to discover more. Be Free!
Living it,
Emmett Pennington, Visionary Step Dad
P.S. You can find Step Dads 101 Beginner's Guide
at http://www.stepdads101.com if you are interested. We go into detail about the 25 Essential Factors to Connecting with your Step kid. And when you could qualify for an opportunity to join our new 10 Week One on One
Coaching Program, The Step Dad's Edge. This is an
in-depth journey of discovering more and giving you the tools and
insights that will save many wasted years. End your frustration. Don't
miss out. Order Step Dads 101 and qualify for The Step Dad's Edge. You
owe it to yourself. You owe it to your 7th Generation!
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