From time to time, I attend exclusive and upscale singles' networking events just to keep myself abreast with what’s happening in the dating world.
For a long time, my female clients have told me that it's hard to meet "interesting" men despite all the many singles events in and around the Greater Toronto Area. The women say “Canadian men are really sexually boring" that’s why they'd rather sit by their computers chatting with “foreigners" across the border or far across seas.
I have never dated Canadian men because by the time I immigrated to Canada, I was already happily taken. So last Friday, I wanted to see for myself what the women meant, how I could help them and (if it’s true that Canadian men are really that boring), how I could help these “boring" men and many others who may have this “problem".
Now here is the tricky part, when I arrived at this event, I had a problem telling who is “pure Canadian" and who isn’t. There were men of all shades and races, and except for a few, they all spoke with a “Canadian" accent. I decided there and then that my "research" on just Canadian men wasn’t going to yield any helpful results. But since I was already there, and had paid $75 to get in, I might as well make my time meaningful. So, instead of trying to spot “boring Canadian men", I decided I could try to figure out “the sexually boring" in these men.
The men at these events do not know that I am a Dating/Sexual Confidence Coach (and know exactly how to draw then in like bees to honey), so I get hit on all the time.
These were my findings:
1. Besides the fact that I could not pick out who is truly Canadian, I did not find any particular trait that would make me conclude that all Canadian men are boring. There were some interesting characters and not-so-interesting ones. More not-so-interesting ones, I must say.
This Friday, I had the misfortune of being stuck with this guy -- he just couldn’t go away despite my many attempts to ignore him, he followed me around like a puppy. Nice looking, well dressed, smelt good, looked like he went to the gym three times a week, very attentive, even asking intelligent questions and repeating my statements back to me BUT…
He told me he was considered a “nerd" because he always excelled academically and at 38 years old was at the top of his career. He said that just because he was a “nerd" didn’t mean he wasn't an interesting and romantic guy. So I asked him what makes him romantic and he proceeded to tell me all the romantic things he does with women. They all seemed like really romantic stuff but the way he said them made them so unromantic and distasteful. His voice sounded like an untuned one stringed guitar, moreover with that one string too tight (really irritating to the ear), his face had a smile that looked like he was sneering at me, his body language looked like a soldier on parade and his eyes kept boring into my skull like an electric drill that couldn’t be switched off.
I tried to direct his wide open eyes elsewhere by pointing out interesting objects in the room, he looked at them very briefly and his eyes were back on my face like a miner's searchlight. I am sure he must have read it somewhere that "women are attracted to men who keep direct eye contact". George Clooney, Clive Owen, Denzel Washington and even 50 Cent are some of the men I have noted never seem to maintain that stupid glare called "direct eye contact" and yet they make even women they'll never ever meet in person sleepless at night.
At some point I actually felt “pity" for this guy following me around but that is just before he started telling me how women were “stupid" by always falling for the “bad boy" because of the “excitement" bluh, bluh, bluh. I had to really fight the urge to tell him, he is exactly the reason why even thugs, abusers, moochers and their kind have so much luck with women. But I don’t think he’d have gotten the message. Being so “intelligent" all he’d have concluded --like most men -- is that I am just another “stupid" woman who falls for “bad boys".
My experience over the years is that men just don’t get the fact that it’s not the “bad" in bad boys that women crave, but rather the sense of “aliveness"; that feeling that underlies the basic human need to feel “alive" that women -- and all human kind -- look for. Rarely does a person -- man or woman -- ever fantasize about being in a ho-hum situation or being romanced by a corpse.
2. My interest was in narrowing down what my female clients meant by “sexually boring". I have known men in my lifetime who drive women “crazy" just by their sexual presence alone, and/or by their ability to be so engaging, intriguing and spontaneous with how they played with their “sexual nature" so I had a pretty much good yardstick.
This --like I said -- was an upscale event with none of that blatant untutored sexuality that we see so often on TV and elsewhere in the media. The MC had mentioned something about this being a collection of “Self-Actualized" men and women and the organizers had taken time to really find men and women who’d taken time to discover who they are as human beings and as sexual beings. Many of the men and women here were talking “New Age", so I expected to see some level of “comfort" with sexuality, something that showed that these people were over and past the “puritan" era.
I was disappointed, almost shocked. There was none of that fluid, dynamic and evolving state of being that is characteristic of men and women who have genuinely taken time to discover who they are as human beings and as sexual beings. And may be because I grew up in a much more sexually expressive environment, I was sensitive to the fact that every time “sexuality" came up, there was some sort of “uncomfortable tension" in the air. That same untuned guitar-like voices, smiles that looked like sneers, bodies that looked like soldiers on parade and eyes that had that vacant fixed dull look.
Everything “sexual" seemed static, labeled and rigidly packaged in a facade of “Self-Actualized" or “New Age" terminology. Topics on sexuality always seemed to end up in “human rights, privileges and equality" and topics that touched on "the act of sex" were dissected and clinically discussed like some boring classroom subject we were studying for an exam. I got the sense that even the more “informed" men and women spoke about sex like it was something that happened to other people and not something they personally had some experience with.
I thought to myself, “how can seemingly sexually “liberated" men and women be this boring, uninspiring and a turn-off? Could this be the “sexually boring" thing my female clients keep talking about?" Then I remembered something I’d read that Abraham Maslow, the guy we all know for establishing the Self-Actualization Hierarchy Of Needs" said.
He’d studied the issue of human sexuality extensively for several years, and was considered by many as an expert in the field. Reflecting on his work he said: "One day, it suddenly dawned on me that I knew as much about sex as any man living--in the intellectual sense. I knew everything that had been written; I had made discoveries with which I was pleased; I had done therapeutic work. This was about ten years before the Kinsey report came out. Then I suddenly burst into laughter. Here was I, the great sexologist, and I had never seen an erect penis except one, and that was from my own bird’s-eye view. That humbled me considerably."
It seems to me that there are many men (and women) who know so much about sex and sexuality in the intellectual sense but have a really HARD TIME relating their sexual nature to who they are as human beings or communicating who they are as sexual beings in ways that are attractive and pleasing.
Many of these men and women even intellectually know all about the right moves, techniques, tricks, and routines, and even know how to decode flirting and seduction body language but the opposite sex treat them as having very little or NO RELATIONSHIP VALUE.
Like the guy I was stuck with, he seemed to have “everything" that women look for in a guy except that “I am a sexual being" crucial quality. That sense of self and confidence that helps make us all well-adjusted sexual individuals who can connect personally and powerfully with the opposite sex, create memorable experiences for ourselves and the people we date and have relationships with.
Without that crucial quality you're just "sexually boring" . The opposite sex find you nice to talk to on an intellectual level or email from time to time when they need someone attentive but they don't find you sexually inspiring, exciting or appealing.
About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach and author of e-Books: The Art Of Seducing Out Of Fullness, Breaking A Bad Relationships Pattern, and Playing Hard-To-Get The Love Way.
http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com
http://www.theartofseducingoutoffullness.com
http://www.playinghardtogettheloveway.com
