"Have You Ever Questioned Everything You Thought You Knew
These words came from a CD of Tracy Chapman. She has some beautiful songs, and wonderful lyrics and easy music. This CD is called New Beginning. I would love to say I never questioned my beliefs, and I didn’t for years, but I have questioned them on and off. There have been a few times when I doubted in what my belief system was. Had I made all the right choices? Had I done all the right things? Had I thought the right way?
Of course I didn’t always make the right choices or do the right things or think the right way. I made some very stupid mistakes while growing up. Running from pain, and ready to face the world. I wasn’t psychologically prepared. I was twenty three. I didn’t know much about living outside my parents’ house. I was naive and became careless. I began to run faster and faster from the pain, right into the hands of alcohol and whatever else helped ease the pain of my emotional baggage crying out.
I made bad choices in friends, in acquaintances, in dates, in alcohol abuse, in automobile accidents caused from drinking alcohol. I didn’t know how to think correctly. I had become estranged from my father, and my childhood sweetheart, and they were the two most important men in my life. I was looking for something to fill the hole that was created. Nothing did. Bad choices followed.
I certainly wasn’t being me. I wouldn’t do what I was doing, drinking, driving, acting the opposite from the way I really believed. This caused a lot of pain and heartache. It took me years to get out of it, but I eventually did. I was me with my father and my boyfriend, I didn’t know how to be me with anybody else. That whole time period is like looking back on a fog. When I do look back on it, I don’t need to question whether or not I knew anything. I knew all the wrong things, and thankfully, found my way to the better things.
That doesn’t mean I still don’t question things. Maybe it’s good to question what we think we know. Do we still have the same beliefs, the same ideas and concepts about relationships and life? If we do, are we appreciating them properly, or could we put a little more effort into it, I know I could. I don’t take full advantage of all I could and should. I need to push myself to do that.
I believe I am thinking in a better manner than ever, and yes, still question what I think I know once in a while. Just because I know it, how do I know I am right? Those questions come when I am fearful over something, and my mind wanders.
I get confused, and worry that what I thought I knew may not be the reality of the situation. Little panic in there. I work through it, and continue to believe the same way today as I did when I was twelve. I took a detour for several years, but when I started having kids, I found who I was again. Having my kids, I will never question.
I try to be more focused in this day, and concentrate on living life in a better and better way each day. It doesn’t always happen, but it does enough of the time. I’m learning to change my life for the better, and what I’d like to say about that is, it’s about time. Now, for the second half. I have gathered the tools to help keep my mind balanced and my soul and body healthy, and my heart happy. It’s an adventure, but it’s going to be worth it. I want to be happy, and feel safe, just like everybody else.
I am willing to work towards that goal. To get to it, I have to go through it, and that’s what I’m doing in this stage of my life. I believe there will be other times I will question everything I ever thought I knew, but I believe I’m working towards a positive goal, and that would be peace and safety. I believe I deserve that. I believe everyone does.
