There are periods in our life that are so confusing and painful and stressful, that we start to think about the road we have taken in this life. Why did we make the choices we made? What were we searching for? What did we need? How did our feelings affect our decisions? What part did our thinking process play in our judgment? Did we follow our heart or our brain, or both?
I have been thinking about these questions recently, wondering where I made my wrong turns, and where did I go right? Why did I make those wrong turns that have caused so much heartache and pain? I finally realized that I have always thought through my heart, not my mind. Whatever my mind was trying to tell me, I ignored and went with the heart. The heart is not a thinking organ, unfortunately, and therefore, I have finally realized where I have always gone wrong. My feelings and emotions have ruled the roost, and the mind has taken a back seat.
This has caused a wealth of problems in my life, and I’d love for it to stop. They say everything happens for a reason. I have been going through a difficult time this past year, which may be attributed to thinking only with my heart, and always making reality take a back seat to fantasy. You want things to work out, and your heart convinces you they will. Your mind, however, might have more to say, but you won’t listen. You may be ignoring it because you know it’s right, but the heart strings are stronger at the time.
If I trace all my relationships with family, friends, partners, I can see now how my heart ruled over my mind. I wanted to be happy so badly that I allowed my heart to wander on it’s own. I didn’t use my mind at all. I pushed any rational thought away, and lived in the fantasy of hope. I see now how that doesn’t work. If I had used my brain as well, and thought feelings and emotions through, I would have made different choices. I didn’t realize that before going through this year, and learning, changing, growing and getting stronger in my mind, and thinking less with my heart. Big change, and it takes work for me. I’m not used to dealing in logic and reality, and I never really could put my finger on that fact until now.
It’s time for my heart to take a break, and my mind to step in and make the right decisions. I’m tired and I’m broken, but the lessons I have learned are giving me the strength I need to move forward and do the next right thing, whatever that may be. I know more about myself now, and i will use that knowledge to my benefit.
The heart must be extremely strong to have ruled every minute of my life until now. My mind is also strong, and it has been stripped of it’s tarnish. Fantasy from now on will be unicorn pictures, not my driving force. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone on this journey I’ve been on, but of course, I did. I just wasn’t catching on to mixing the brain and heart together in equal parts. I honestly thought if you had a good feeling in your heart, you went with it. Now I see how wrong that was.
Through every experience, lessons are learned. The more painful, I guess the deeper the root. My roots ran very deep. If the fantasy is not practical, it is probable it won’t last. The love I have always longed for has led me to search in many places and through many people. My heart is broken, and now I will depend on my brain for the next half of my life. My behavior was never a malicious act against anyone. At the time, I honestly thought I was making the best decision. I didn’t know what I know now. I had to get my heart broken enough to accept my mind’s job in my decision making process, and to focus on what is best, not what my heart wants.
``Never Attribute To Malice What Can Be Adequately Explained By Stupidity.."
