In the great wilds of Ridgway Pennsylvania, a hunter has taken a picture of what he believes is a Bigfoot, or Sasquatch as they are known by well wishers. The photo which shows something looking akin to a semi-hairless bear was immediately identified by the American Bigfoot Society as Ralph, a Bigfoot who hasn't been seen since he applied for a socialized medicine card in Ontario Canada three years ago.
Now the creature does appear to look half human and half bear but skeptics are quick to point out that the photo most likely is that of a bear. They believe the animal is suffering from either an acute case of the mange or a terrible hair cut from the Ridgway Beauty Salon and Bait Shop. My guess is it was a bear with the nasty skin disease. Area campers have complained of having their tents plundered while they were out hiking and the only things missing were their jars of Noxzema Skin Cream.
In Cedar Rapids Iowa a man was arrested for having sexual relations in a men's room with an anatomically correct blow up doll. Personally, I can't imagine why one would date an anatomically incorrect doll but lets go on with the story. The man, found on the restroom floor whispering sweet nothings into the doll's ear while his pants were down was arrested by a government agent. The man errantly chose a restroom that was in an office building where the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement Agency is located. Now the man has a track record of liking woman who can't talk back. His arrest record includes a previous apprehension for making off with a plastic and resin model from a bridal shop he broke into three years ago. In that case, it was believed he was attempting to elope with the mannequin who obviously had consented since she was dressed in a wedding gown. It is unknown what will happen to the vinyl doll as her immigration status is being checked by immigration officials since she has a Made in China label on her buttocks. Her legal position will take some time to determine since the doll was able to produce a valid New York driver's license and a letter wishing her well from New York Governor Elliot Spitzer.
There are hunting dogs and then there are Hunting Dogs. In Des Moines Iowa, a hunter decided to climb over a fence to go after some birds he had just shot down with his scatter gun. Now the hunter must have been hunting killer birds because it appears he told his old doggie to cover him while he struggled to get over the impediment. The only problem was the dog thought he meant cover him with buckshot which is what the dog did. The hunter who ended up with a hundred bird shot pellets in his calf told medical staff the dog must have stepped on the trigger of the gun accidentally while it was on the ground. One of my crack reporters caught the real story. It seems the dog, upset with having his Friskies replaced with a cheaper Chinese dog food saw his opportunity to let his master know what it feels like to eat lead and fired off the salvo on purpose. When other hunters arrived at the scene, they stated the dog had a cartridge in his mouth and was about to reload the gun. No charges will be filed against the dog since he shot his owner on the way up which is proper hunting etiquette.
Freelance writer, columnist, author and writing coach, ex-Chicagoan Mike Fak presently resides in Central Illinois. More information about Mike's services are available at his home website www.mikefak.com
Mike currently writes primarily humor columns for searchwarp bi-weekly and is the managing editor of www.lincolndailynews.com
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