When you’ve failed so many times before, you develop fearful beliefs about the future - fears the past will repeat itself, fears that you are not good enough or worthy of love, fears that you will always be a failure in everything you try etc. As a result of these fears you may 1) exaggerate your limitations, capacity and potential for a fulfilling relationship; 2) feel insecure getting into a relationship or even talking to a man/woman with whom a relationship might develop or 3) feel awkward and overcompensate with aloofness or one-upmanship. This makes it difficult to bridge the gap between yourself and with the people you date. Unconsciously, you may be choosing relationships that you know will not work as a self-fulfilling prophesy.
Most of the time, your fears and insecurities will seek to justify themselves and convince you that they are valid; and the emotional reality they create will color and influence how you approach relationships. When you drag the assumptions underlying these fears and insecurities out into the light and look at them, you’ll find that they actually have no merit at all.
This exercise will help you identify the assumptions that you have and that might impact the way you approach relationships in general.
1. Take out a blank sheet of paper or open your word processor. Write down in as much detail as you want what you tell yourself about: acceptance, love, trust, sex, happiness. For example, “I would be accepted if only I….", “I would be loved if only I….", “I would be a great sex partner if only…". Write down all the inner feelings of incompleteness, emptiness, self-doubt and self-hatred that come up.
2. Think about the people you know and who you think are similar to you in physical appearance or are in far worse situations in terms of financial circumstances, family background and upbringing, geographical location, etc but who are enjoying acceptance, love, trust, sex and happiness. Examine your “I would be… if only I" sentences. Are they valid? Are they true? Do you really believe them? Do they have merit?
Some of your assumptions and fears may be buried very deeply that you are not even aware of them. If necessary, sit down with a close friend or professional and go through your list of fears and assumptions with him or her.
3. Next construct new, concrete and grounded ideas that you can reach for whenever you begin to feel the fear. The way you do this is to find counters to the things underlying the fear. These are things which you can use to tell your fears, “No, the things I am afraid of are not true, and here’s why." Some examples include:
-- Not everyone I meet will be attracted to my physical looks. That’s okay because my value does not depend on anything outside of myself.
-- This relationship may not work out. But if that happens, I have another opportunity for happiness.
-- If I approach a man/woman, I may get rejected but that is not a reflection in any way of my value as a human being.
-- There is a real potential that I will get hurt again, but I am a more emotionally healthier person, I can handle rejection without breaking down/safely get out of an unhealthy relationship.
A reasonable understanding of your fears and assumptions helps you discover your unrealistic expectations, wrong or faulty thinking and your role in creating what happens.
Building a list of things which challenge your fears and your assumptions is a powerful tool because your fears are not going to disappear overnight. When you are feeling an emotional response that you don’t like and don’t want, it is helpful some-times to be able to point to a concrete list of reasons why that response is unwarranted.
The first time you confront an assumption and fear that you have, your fear will scream at you, trying to convince you that the world is about to end. Do it anyway. Reach for those things that you know invalidate your fears, and trust yourself. When you do this, something magical happens. Your fears and insecurities begin looking a lot smaller and a lot sillier. The second time you do it, it will be easier; the third time, you may start to wonder what all the fuss was about.
The fear of being alone is arguably one of the most difficult things to deal with. This fear can make it very difficult for you to ask for what you need in a relationship (fear of asking for too much), and can add an edge of desperation to any other fear or insecurity you may feel. Conquering a fear of being alone is a necessary step in the quest for a fulfilling relationship.
Now, not all assumptions are irrational, and not all fears are unfounded. For example, it is perfectly reasonable to assume that not everyone is honest with you, and not everyone will do what he or she says. What’s important to remember is that these outer negative events will continue to come your way but as you work though your issues, you will be able to encounter them in a different way.
When you let yourself actually feel, actually let go the fear of being hurt, you can and will know love. This includes knowing that sometimes true love means walking away with a polite good-bye.
To increase your “trust" of others, step outside your usual circle of friends and activities to explore new interests, try out new and explore different aspects of your personality that may have not found expression before
About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach and author of e-Books: The Art Of Seducing Out Of Fullness, Breaking A Bad Relationships Pattern, and Playing Hard-To-Get The Love Way.
http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com
http://www.theartofseducingoutoffullness.com
http://www.playinghardtogettheloveway.com
