It’s very common for men and women trying to break a pattern of bad relationships to think that they’ve completely broken the cycle and jump in too fast and too hard into a new relationship only to end up getting hurt or realizing they jumped to conclusions a little too soon.
If you’re working on breaking a bad relationships pattern it’s wise to consciously decide to take things slow -- very slow.
When you meet a man or woman for the first time, keep a conscious awareness of those traits that have hurt you in the past. Most people are on their best behavior during the first several dates and that is why it’s best to tell yourself that you barely know the person. Yes, he or she may be special but be careful that you do not try to make him or her “better" than he/she really is (fantasy). The more you romanticize, the greater the chance that the reality won’t live up to the fantasy. In your subconscious mind, you’re creating a picture of someone that may be totally different from what he/she’s able to offer you. You will find it difficult to express your feelings, desires, or opinions. You will have a hard time saying “No" or setting limits because you want to avoid conflict and/or want to gain his/her approval. You may even ignore what you know you want or what you believe because it might be different from that of the person you want to please and love you.
I’ve seen too many men and women in this “cloud nine" place and what often happens is that they read too much into the other person’s actions, words etc. They see “love" in everything the other person says and does and as a result fall in love too quickly and deeply. It is good for you to remember to take things one-step at a time.
Take it slow and observe how things are going. If your date doesn't act in a supportive, friendly, and appreciative way on your first few dates, when they should be conscious attempting to make a good impression, imagine what will happen when they are not trying. For example, a woman who is too critical or neglectful or cold toward customer service people will after date 5 or 6 dates treat you the same way. A man who comes late or isn’t sensitive to your comfort or feelings will in a relationship treat you the same way.
When you come home after a date, think hard about what the person revealed about him or herself. Look at your to list of the kind of partner who’ll make you truly happy and fulfilled. How is does he/she measure up? Does he/she have those traits, qualities and resources? See if the person who seems to be RIGHT in every way for you, and remains with the same.
Getting to know someone — faults and all — is the best way to create a fulfilling bond. If you're not seeing enough good stuff, you can choose to move on, or at least be honest about the type of partner you need in your life.
The beauty and the value of getting to know more about someone is getting to know more about yourself. Practice enjoying your own ability to relate and eventually you'll feel comfortable communicating your experience without fear of how the other person may respond.
Be willing for the person to be gone tomorrow. You don’t have to like it or want it to happen. Just be willing. The more you are willing for someone to go, the more you create an environment where he or she can enjoy being with you. To the extent you are willing you release the resistance that creates the fear and the anxiety. You set yourself free inside and you become far more effective in handling your situation. By being willing to let someone go, you’re letting go of your unrealistic expectations of how life SHOULD BE, you can flow with the way life IS.
No relationship worthy of you effort, time or emotions should be solely one person giving and the other taking. If you find that you're the only one (or at least doing most part of the work) making an effort or altering your lifestyle to have the relationship, talk about it to your partner and ask them to meet you half way in your efforts. If he/she is unwilling to meet you half way, accept that this may not be the right person for you even if he/she says he/she is “in love" with you. It’s not love if there is no mutual reciprocity and sometimes.
If you decide to keep dating that person it is important that you both agree on what kind of future the two of have in mind. Staying on the same levels is a huge sign that you are with the right person. There can be battles along the way, but the goal is an enduring relationship in which the two of you know each other thoroughly, each gets his/her fair share, and develops mutual trust and respect.
There will be times when you feel like you’ve broken the cycle of bad relationships and doing really great, and bam! May be you meet your ex or start another bad relationship. Don't despair. Some days you'll feel great and other days it’ll seem like there is no difference at all. Get back on track using your new understanding. And make sure you have a network of social support to carry you through the tougher days.
About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach and author of e-Books: The Art Of Seducing Out Of Fullness, Breaking A Bad Relationships Pattern, and Playing Hard-To-Get The Love Way.
http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com
http://www.theartofseducingoutoffullness.com
http://www.playinghardtogettheloveway.com
