How Do I Forgive My Spouse After Adultery?

Has your spouse committed adultery and now you don’t trust them anymore? Do you feel betrayed and abused by someone you thought loved you? Do you just want to get them back by throwing stones at them every chance you get? Do you find it hard to forgive your spouse? Then this article is for you.

All of the things I described above are emotions that we feel when a spouse has committed adultery and are perfectly validated by anyone’s standpoint.  If we did not have feelings such as these then I would think the marriage would be heading for more trouble than just adultery. So it is normal to feel victimized and hurt when a spouse commits infidelity.

But, it is not normal for these feelings to hang around for longer than six months if a spouse has repented of their infidelity and is asking for forgiveness. If you are harboring resentment and ill will towards your spouse after six months, I have to ask why are you not growing out from this issue and moving on with your marriage? Most likely the answer is because you have a hard time forgiving and simply do not trust your spouse any longer.

Before we can actually start rebuilding broken trust we first have to forgive. Forgiving your spouse is harder than trusting your spouse, but you cannot trust until you exonerate your spouse from such a sin. That happens through the workings of Christ in you. Jesus has taught us what forgiveness is and how to forgive and that is our foundation to work off of.

In the scripture where the woman was caught in adultery, why do you think Jesus asked the crowd who were getting ready to throw stones at her, that those who were without sin to cast the first stone? Jesus already knew they were all sinners and no one could throw the first stone! No one could stone the adulterous woman because we all fall short of perfection because we’re human! He was teaching them to be compassionate and forgiving. 

I’m certainly not defending infidelity but it does not mean that a wayward spouse cannot change and turn their life around either. Reality is, people err, they sin and make mistakes and do things that are not appropriate behavior but most people can learn from those mistakes and become better marriage partners because of it.

Then what did Jesus say to the woman? He told her that no one condemned her, and for her to turn her life around and sin no more. Jesus forgave her right then and there. She didn’t have to ask for forgiveness because Jesus already knew in her heart that she was sorry for committing adultery. End of story.

And that is our example to follow. We are to do what is right rather than what feels good. It feels good to keep throwing stones at our spouse because we’re angry and hurting so bad, but choosing to forgive is doing the right thing.  So to help us forgive, we have to ask Jesus to heal our heart and mind from the pain we are feeling, and to give us peace of mind. This is the only way we can truly forgive our spouse.

“Woman, where are those thine accusers?” Hath no man condemned thee? She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, “Neither do I condemn thee”: go, and sin no more. (John 8:10 KJV)

Angie Lewis has written three books on how to have a happy marriage. She has just finished her fourth book THE ALCOHOLISM TRAP: Understanding Why You Drink and What You Can Do To Achieve Total Sobriety. 

For more information about this book and marriage books, please visit: http://www.heavenministries.com

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Comments on this article:

» left by Sammy from Abia State,Nigeria (2 years 4 days ago.)
You have to forgive your spouse if you still love him/her BUT before that you should make him feel miserable,ostrasized and remousful for her actions,then give her some tough conditions and then accept her back!
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» left by latrice from houston,tx (1 year 129 days ago.)
thats not doing what the bible says to do we dont need to inflict any pain god will deal with the spouse for what they did.

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» left by patricia Torrecillas from myrtle beach (1 year 97 days ago.)

Good article. My husband had a affair the entire first 6 years of our marriage with a mutual friend who was also his co-worker. This women was a regular at our home and I did favors for her. When I found out I was devastated, my husband said he was sorry ect....But, it seems that he was sorry that I found out. He mentioned to me that "no one was ever going to know". It's been 20 months since the day I found out and we are still together, unhappily.

 

A few months after the trauma of finding out our six year old son was diagnosed with Juvenille Diabetes, horrible thing to happen. Now it seems as If we are together becuase of our son. We almost never have sex, he is a selfish lover, when we do have sex I almost never reach any kind of satisfaction on the contrarty I am tormented by the knowledge that he did things with her and that for all those years he did not touch me he preferred her over me. I hate myself and have to struggle to speak positive words and try to move forward or at times just try and get out of bed. Although forgiveness is a very important commandment I never understood how impossibly hard it would be to forgive my husband, I can not. I am 41 years old now and live in a world of uncertainty and daily emotional pain, at times the pain of the betrayel has actually physically manifested, I litteraly feel that my heart is broken.

 

I left our church after the betrayels were confessed, I found no support at church. In fact I was very alone with the whole trauma of it all and still am to this day. At times I have questioned my "sanity" and many times confessed to the MOST HIGH that I doubt my ability to go on and have any kind of life with my husband. So, now I am in the process of enrolling in school to become a "Advanced Clinical Medical Assistant" I will also be classified as Bi-lingual, english/spanish. The burden on my heart is to become employable and do the best I can with what I have, for my little boy.

 

Along with the discovery of my husbands infedelity I also discoverd financial betrayels, in large amounts, so, perhaps betrayel affects different people in differnet measures, for me, it was like a "fatal blow" all "seemed lost' for a long time. Only by the small measure of "hope" in the MOST HIGH have I continued on and I am constantly saying to myslef "all things are possible with GOD to him who believes" and "I can do all things through Christ Jesus who strenthens me". It would be difficult to accurately describe to you the level of devastation caused by the Adultery...this family is hanging on by only a thread. I hope someday to help someone else who is the victim of Adultery, so that they won't face it alone. Only the MOST HIGH knows wether or not I will. In the meantime we should have compassion on families who have been devastated by Adultery and keep calling out to GOD for help.

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» left by jj from minneapolis (327 days 19 hours ago.)
Patricia:
I too am dealing with my wife having commited adultery. I am fearful and feel lost.

But they are just fears! Give your worries to God for only he can deal with them.

I feel that God is prompting me to share some thoughts with you that might help you.

My wife and I are learning a lot from our sessions with a Christian Counsellor. I highly suggest you go to one with your spouse or at least go by yourself. There is a stigma associated with counseling so I think people simply miss out. However, if you were lost and didn't know where you were... I could give you a map... but unless you knew where you are right now... and where you want to go to... how do you plot your course on the map?

So, my wife I believe has a high need for approval... especially from males... I believe this might be because she grew up as a star athlete her entire childhood.... her brothers and father (and mother) all spent much of their time sharing in her dream... making her the star of the family... she is also the youngest which also can lead to having 'too much attention' :-) So, now she feels somewhat unfullfilled whenever I travel or work too much because she doesn't have that closeness she feels she needs from someone and in most cases a male who approves of her. I am hopeful that our counsellor can help her to see this in herself and help her grow. I think we can have a WONDERFUL marriage, full of hope, laughter, love and kindness... we just need to believe that with God anything is possible! PS check out Jonny Lang's CD - song Anything is Possible is a great anthem to help you get through this tough time.

Anyhow, it is with some of this knowledge that I say.... Would I not love her anymore if she had a broken arm that needed to heal? Would I want to find someone new if I found out she didn't get perfect grades in college? I realize what you and I are dealing with is being personally hurt by our spouses... however, if we can see that they might have a mental issue that helped precipitate this issue... then, it can help us to see the sin for what it is... just sin... and not see the person as a bad person completely....they just sinned... just as in the bible verse... and we've all sinned... Jesus calls us to forgive eachother and forgive ourselves...

Based on your story... I really wonder if your spouse actually forgives himself or can even see his own sin... In our counselling sesssions, our counsellor mentioned that it can be difficult for a person to rectify the fact that they did something like this so they then tend to think the "other person" must have some "great qualities" or something otherwise... why would the cheating spouse ever have cheated? they feel they are generally a good people... so there must have been something great pulling them.... in truth... there might have been something pushing them away from you.... from the very first feeling of connection with another person... your spouse probably felt odd... felt good to be 'liked' or 'admired' by someone else... but yet wierd since they felt they shouldn't have these types of feelings for someone else... since we all see in the movies that couples just ride off into the sunset together... happy forever!

The truth is that in a 'real' relationship like marriage... we see eachother's flaws... we see constantly picking up after the spouse, or constant nagging to pick up, etc.

My wife thinks I nag... I think she is messy... our counsellor helped me understand why I feel the way I do... I need my house to be clean because I feel I'm dealing with undiagnosed attention disorder where I can't focus on much of anything... unless I give it 110% effort and then I can focus... so when watching TV, I get so engrosed that I don't hear anything else around me until someone taps me on the shoulder or something.... I grew up in a clean house so I expect it to be clean all the time... and I've developed a coping mechanism to deal with my attention disorder which enables me to excel in business and school, etc. as long as everything is in its place, I don't think about it and it allows me to focus on the task at hand....

Well, knowing this... that helped my wife understand that I wasn't simply just trying to point out her flaws and nag.... Actually, I was just trying to reduce my stress level and be able to focus on our house and marriage.... again, just a stupid little example but amazing the insight that a 3rd party can bring as long as they are coming from a Christian perspective that is loving, helping and focused on healing...

I believe my wife and I are destin for something great!

I believe that you and your husband might be as well! You just need to take the first step and get to a great Christian counsellor. And it might help to check out these sites...

myintimatemarriage. com - great site for Christian couples to learn more about sexual intimacy within the marriage - bring back the passion into the marriage

marriagebuilders. com

howtosurvivetheaffair. com

May God bless you and keep you in his loving arms!

Sincerely,

JJ

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» left by paul Rathina Singh from Ahmedabad (311 days 5 hours ago.)

We need the help of the Holy Spirit to over come such things in our life. Pray that the divine helper (Holy Spirit) my take the complete control in our life so that we see and analyze things spiritually rather worldly and socially.

 

Seek the support and power of the Holy Spirit in your prayers and Our Father in heaven will surely grant our requests much with his faithful Love for us.

 

Note:- If God us brought us to such things, then He WILL help us cross through them too... Just don't loose hope and grow in the our Lord.

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» left by Emily from Royston UK (208 days 2 hours ago.)

I forgave him the first time he cheated though it broke my heart & took about 5 months to trust him, then he did it again, i found at least 5 women one was young enough to be his daughter, she was the one he wass seeing most til she cheated on him & he fornd out she was using him for money etc, she went through all our personal things trying to find out what the old bastard is worth as she put it, they wer in our bed beneath our crucifix, I couldnt get it in my head when i found out, she was just 17, we got back together because I wanted to I couldnt cope with the pain, then few months on when i thought it was safe, when I started to trust him he did it again, & again this time there was several women, he brags to his friends & tells them things about me that are not true to justify his acts, & they wont look at me, his work coligues heard a arguement once & he told his work colegues he dont know why im crying, that im nuts, they didnt know about what he was doing, he told them after they think I did something wrong so he can justify it to them as they all used to like me, this time i cought him i lost a stone in weight he is always so cruel to me when he cheats on me, he beged me to come back, this was the first time he did so since the first afair, I wasnt sure but I needed desperatly to ease the pain, I kept him on his toes, He asked me to marry him I said no, & left it a while, i watched him crawl being so nice taking me on weekends away treating me like a princes, but I knew from expirience it was short lived, he kept saying if I wont marry him how does he know i wont leave him, I made like I was doing him a favour & said we could get engaged, we did, he got me a beautiful diomond ring set in white gold, he dont have lots of money but lives ok.

 

we been ok, i started recently to be able to look at him, without the pain being so intense, I want it to go, I told him it will & ususaly takes around 6 months, but as he keeps doing this, time & time again how can i get over it? I want it to go, & I dont have the strength to leave him, I dont find it easy meeting other men, & theres not much left when yr my age, lol I know thats why hje was single, he cheated on his ex wife time & time again, & his ex girlfriend, but she was a alcoholic & i know f her & seen her, so i put it down to that he was looking for a better life as she would get him in fights etc, she got him on Coke & ocasionaly he would join in smoking canabis, though he said rarely he was in the room when her friends wer there smoking everynight, I know he stil takes it when he goes out with his work friends about twice a year, & after about 3 days he can get violent & nasty.

 

just recently the signs are back, we had a massive arguement because i couldnt cope after a week of him being cold towards me, leaving me out of meal times, leaving without a kiss, talking down to me, not coming to bed, he wont look at me he talks to the wall floor etc his face goes anywher bit me, its been three weeks of this almost & driving me nuts, Im trying so hard not to confront him because i know when i do he gets mad at me he tells me if im not happy to leave, its not like i dont have anywher to go, i have my own house, & my children are grown up, I just want him to stop before he does it again i cant keep going through this pain, i cant do it, he says thers nothing wrong but the signes are too real, & im so broken & I know i should leave him but I dont want to, I want it to work,

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