As a parent of an eight-year-old, it would be foolish for me to assume that my daughter will not “sow a wild oat or two" as she approaches her teen years. I did as did many of my friends.
The difference, however, is that the pressures of today seem to encompass a Godlessness that includes violence. As Father Flanagan of Boy’s Town once said, “There is no such thing as a “bad" boy [or girl]," and today's teens need to recognize negative peer pressure to make good life choices.
"There is so much pressure to fit in especially at school. It's the same thing everyday: drugs, violence, drinking and smoking … and trust me, drugs are everywhere . Also, there's the sex thing – parents have no clue that kids are having so much sex…. It makes me sick to think that I lost my virginity at nine years old to a real looser just because I wanted to be popular…." sighs Amanda, age 14.
Adds Michael, " I just wish people in my high school weren't so shallow. They exclude people for no reason. You wear the wrong clothes; you're not cool. You don't play sports; you're a geek. You hang out with the wrong people; you're a loser. There’s no winning! I just wish we could all look at one another individually and respect each other for who we are. It’s so hard to fit in…."
Kids naturally want to “fit in" and belong. Once a child approaches the teen years, however, the struggle for independence begins. For some, this can become the biggest “fight of their lives."
During the teen years, teens want to spend more time with their friends than with their parents. They desire popularity among their peers . As they break away from their parents' images of them and develop identities of their own, teens can be both connected and independent with their peers.
While many parents genuinely affirm their teens, peers are often more accepting of the feelings, thoughts, and actions associated with a teen's search for self-identity.
The influence of peers, whether positive or negative, is of critical importance in every teenager’s life. Like it or not, the opinions of our children's peers often outweigh those of caring parent’s and adults.
Positive Peer Pressure
Peer pressure influences teens in a number of ways, including:
· Dress codes
· Alcohol and/or drug use
· “Dating"
· Sex
· Choice of friends
· Academic performance
Peer pressure can be a positive influence that can help challenge or motivate. Peer pressure may also result in a teen to do things that are contrary with what is right and wrong.
"It's hard to go against the crowd," agrees one struggling teen. who had a hard time. "High school can be a miserable place if you feel like you don't belong. People can think you're "different" because of the way you look, dress and behave."
Some pressure is obvious, with friends trying to persuade another to do things that are bad or that hurt other people: Come on, just cut class today! Don't hang out with her; she's a nerd! Don't go out with him, he's not cool!
At other times, the pressure isn't direct. What about those popular parties where there is drinking and/or drugs? And then there is the friend that cheats on tests and never seems to get caught.
The ability to develop healthy friendships and peer relationships depends on a teen's self-identity, self-esteem, and self-reliance.
Peer pressure can mobilize a teen's energy, self-image, and motivation for success. Peers can and do act as positive role models. Peers can and do demonstrate appropriate social behaviors. Peers often listen to, accept, and understand the frustrations, challenges, and concerns associated with being a teenager that many adults have seemed to forgotten.
Negative Peer Pressure
The need for acceptance, approval, and belonging is vital during the teen years. Teens who feel isolated or rejected or lonely are more likely to engage in risky behaviors for acceptance. In such situations, peer pressure can seduce a teen into dangerous activities.
Studies show that teens with learning disabilities are often rejected due to their age-inappropriate behavior, and thus are more likely to associate with other rejected and/or delinquent peers. It is also true that teenage girls frequently enter into sexual relationships when they are seeking acceptance, approval, and love.
For the sake of popularity, some teens will risk being punished and losing their parents' trust just to try and “fit in." Sometimes, teens will change the way they dress, their friends, give up their values or create new ones, depending on the people they hang around with.
Some teens, even those who appear to be well-behaved, high-achieving teens when they are with adults, often live “double-lives" and engage in negative, dangerous behavior when with their peers.
Once influenced, teens may continue the slide into gang involvement, drug/alcohol use, school problems, problems with the law, etc.
If your teen associates with people who are using drugs or displaying self-destructive behaviors, then your child is doing the same.
How Parents Can Handle “Negative Peer Pressure" With Their Teen
Here are some suggestions:
· Get to know the friends of your teen . Learn their names, invite them into your home so you can talk and listen to them, and introduce yourself to their parents.
· Do not attack your child's friends . Remember that criticizing your teen's choice of friends is like a personal attack.
· Help your child understand the difference between image (expressions of youth culture) and identity (who he or she is).
· Keep the lines of communication open and find out why these friends are important to your teenager.
· Check whether your concerns about their friends are real and important.
· If you believe your concerns are serious, talk to your teenager about behavior and choices; not the friends.
· Encourage your teen's independence by supporting decision-making based on principles and not other people.
· Let your teen know of your concerns and feelings.
· Encourage reflective thinking by helping your teen think about his or her actions in advance and discussing immediate and long-term consequences of risky behavior.
Encourage Your Teen
Parents can support positive peer relationships by giving their teenagers their love, time, boundaries, and encouragement to think for themselves.
When parent-teen interactions are characterized by warmth, kindness, consistency, respect, and love, the relationship will flourish, as will the teen's self-esteem, mental health, spirituality, and social skills.
When misbehavior does occur, parents who have involved their children in setting family rules and consequences can expect less flack from their children as they calmly enforce the rules. Parents who, together with their children, set firm boundaries and high expectations may find that their children's abilities to live up to those expectations grow.
In order for teens to develop a healthy sense of self, and to resist negative peer pressure, encourage independent thinking with love, healthy boundaries and persistence. Heck, these kids are worth it!
Judi Lynn Lake has kept up with leading edge business trends throughout her varied and successful career. She had already had her ‘15 minutes of fame’ over and over again before starting her family. Judi and her family now reside in South Carolina but, having been born and raised on Long Island, NY, it is clearly evident that she will always be a "New Yorker." Today, she successfully runs her own advertising agency which handles everything from logos, branding and package design while she continues to work closely with self-published authors from design to promotion.
» left by Robert Melaccio, Sr.(6,204) Robert Melaccio, Sr. (1 year 57 days ago.)
Judi, another great article from a great lady. The answers hopefully lie in the foundation you are building and laying out out for them. They may take a turn here or there that you don't like but they all do and so did we. Yet, it is the constant reinforcement that will eventually lead them through those difficult choices. Too bad there are many millions who are not as fortunate to have the love you bring to your home. I have found that consistent reinforcement is a help not an answer at all times but a help. It is their understanding of the choices they make, why you are concerned and what the caause and effect is that makes them understand your concern is real. This last weeks show on TV Extreme Makover showed a single Hispanic man in Camden NJ. He kept his kids clear of everything going on around them through love. They lived in a shack, the kids slept on
the floor and they had little but boy did they love their dad. Everyone one of them said they had all the tempations plus. He also started a group for single fathers. One young man not even 20 said this man give him true love and showed him what real love was, not gang love. So keep up the good work. As always RTM Respond to this comment
» left by Judi Lake(2,386) Judi Lake (1 year 57 days ago.)
Robert, if we are to be honest, many of us have to admit to "swaying" a bit now and then; especially in our youth. Sad as it is, I remember never wanting to be seen in public with my parents between the ages of 15 - 18 and, actually, that is how I was punished. When they punished me, I would have to go out with them because they knew "I was embarrassed" to be seen in public with them. Once I hit 18 - 19, my mother became my dearest friend and we were extremely close til the day she died. I think love conquers so much - which your example of Extreme Makeove is surely a testimony of. And, Robert... parents need to parent! Thanks so much for your comments, they always mean so much! Respond to this comment
» left by Anonymous (1 year 57 days ago.)
Your articles are always great. Thank you. Respond to this comment
» left by Susan Thom(9,201) Susan Thom (1 year 57 days ago.)
hi judi,
in my opinion, this is the best article you have written, and i think all your articles are good. i agree with every word. remember, i have three kids to worry about, in all the situations you wrote about. it's been difficult. someone put a canister bomb on the bus a few weeks ago, that could have hurt kids if it had gone off. that led to a complete investigation, and a planned evacuation, police squad, bomb squad, and canines, and a sweep of the whole school, lockers and all. there's already a policeman on duty at all times. this scares me to death. it's getting to the point that it's safer for our kids to drop out of school, than to be in it! anyway, thanks for a great article,
best regards,
sue Respond to this comment
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