As I picked my daughter up from school, my usually exuberant little girl was somewhat pensive.
“Mamma?"
Looking straight into my daughter’s beautiful blue eyes, I calmly asked, “What, baby girl?"
“Well, Lauren’s being bossy with me again and it makes me sad. How can someone say they’re your friend and be so mean?"
“Tell me what happened, sweetie. How has Lauren been “mean" to you?"
Sobbing hard, she blurted, “She keeps telling me if I want to be her friend I have to do what she says !"
Empathizing with my little girl, I pulled off the highway and parked the car.
Immediately I took her into my arms and asked, “Baby girl, do you know what a power struggle is?"
In a muffled voice, she responded, “No, Mommy, what is it?"
“I think that she is “testing" you right now to see how you will react. Actually, the true test of your friendship will be in how you handle this and how Lauren responds to you ."
“Huh? What do you mean, Mommy?"
Ignoring the surrounding outside noise, I continued, “Let’s just say, sweetie, that Mommy’s been there. I call this ‘the friendship power struggle.’ With Lauren and others like her, you need to stand your ground firmly yet remain cool-headed. Don't get mad and don’t yell at her . Instead, calmly tell her that you are very capable of expressing your own feelings and just do your own thing.
“Take a break" from her for a while and play with your other friends. This will help Lauren come to the realization that you are an independent person. Baby girl, you have so much going for you ! Pretty soon, “she’ll get it" and either respect you for who you are or, you will find that she was never your friend to begin with."
Somewhat calmer, Laura asked, “One last question, Mommy. Would Jesus be OK with me standing my ground?"
“I think so, sweetie. As long as you don’t get ugly and try to hurt Lauren, I think Jesus would very much want you to stand up for yourself. You deserve to be respected . I also believe that Jesus would not want Lauren to be a mean little girl and maybe this can be the lesson she needs to learn!"
As I looked down into my daughter’s face, I was relieved that she had stopped crying and seemed satisfied.
Like most parents, I want to spare my child every painful learning experience but it would not be beneficial for my daughter’s growth. Through love, careful parenting and communication, my prayer is for my daughter to develop into the woman that God intends her to be. As with “bossy" Lauren, my daughter also has some lessons to learn: how to benevolently stand up for herself while developing the skills needed to resolve conflict and disagreements effectively. How she learns to handle conflicts now will trickle into her adulthood.
Many people who have not matured emotionally assume “the child" role when dealing with relationships as adults. As I look into my own “crystal mirror," I have experienced too many “toxic friendships" that were unhealthy and exhausting. To me, a true friendship should never be continuously draining or about “power" but should be a mutual expression of joy.
“The phrase ‘toxic friend’ is pop psychology," says Jenn Berman, PhD. “I would say it’s someone who, after spending time with them, makes you feel bad about yourself instead of good; someone who tends to be critical of you; sometimes in a subtle way and sometimes not so subtle; a friend who drains you emotionally, financially, or mentally, and they’re not very good for you."
You cross the line from helping a friend in need to helping a friend who is always needy when that friend is abusive, explains Berman.
Basic Signs Of A “Toxic Friendship"
1. Friends who are arrogant and have closed minds. Typically, they refuse to accept advice from others but are always eager to advise and control.
2. Friends who are constantly angry and resentful. Oftentimes they are resentful and/or jealous of the good fortune of others.
3. Friends who are quick to point out your mistakes but rarely ever acknowledge their own. They are quick to place blame on others and view themselves as “perfect."
4. Friends who take advantage of others and are untrustworthy.
5. Friends who are self-centered and struggle empathizing with others.
Basic Signs Of A “Healthy Friendship"
1. Friends who give you moral support during your difficult times and rejoices with you when you are doing well.
2. Friends who are unconditional and non-judgmental.
3. Friends who will honestly tell you if you are doing something wrong and handle any conflicts in a peaceful manner.
4. Friends who will come to your aid when you need focus or are confused and remain detached.
5. Friends that share your aspirations and dreams with encouragement and love.
6. Bonus : People you just love to be around and are free to “be yourself" with .
“Ready to go home, baby girl?"
“Yes, Mommy! You know, even though you are my Mom, you are my bestest BFF!"
I lovingly respond to my daughter with a tight hug and the huge wet kiss that always annoys her. As we head home, and as if on queue, we both get silly and begin to sing:
If you're ever in a jam,
here I am.
If you're ever in a mess,
S.O.S....
...It's friendship, friendship,
Just a perfect blendship,
When other friendships have been forgot,
Ours will still be hot.
A-lottle-dottle-dottle-dig-dig-dig....
“You’re my bestest BFF too! I love you Laura Lynn! A-lottle-dottle-dottle-dig-dig-dig…."
Judi Lynn Lake has kept up with leading edge business trends throughout her varied and successful career. She had already had her ‘15 minutes of fame’ over and over again before starting her family. Judi and her family now reside in South Carolina but, having been born and raised on Long Island, NY, it is clearly evident that she will always be a "New Yorker." Today, she successfully runs her own advertising agency which handles everything from logos, branding and package design while she continues to work closely with self-published authors from design to promotion.
» left by Susan Thom(9,073) Susan Thom (1 year 17 days ago.)
hi judi,
so nice, and i, too, see growth in your writing style.
a very nice story, and some very good lessons,
my best regards,
sue Respond to this comment
» left by Judi Lake(2,665) Judi Lake (1 year 16 days ago.)
Thanks Sue for your comment and compliment! As you know, being a mom is always an adventure so why not pen it? Hope you have a grand weekend! Respond to this comment
» left by Robert Melaccio, Sr.(6,658) Robert Melaccio, Sr. (1 year 16 days ago.)
Judi you show it all in your smile, MOM! Now being one of the opposite gender I might have to concede that you just might make a very good preacher. You noticed I said might to protect myself from the wrath. I'm not as brave as you. Children, they can be very interesting at times. Best regards, RTM Respond to this comment
» left by Judi Lake(2,665) Judi Lake (1 year 15 days ago.)
Ha! - Preacher, me? That would be a problem, Mr. Robert, because my "Italian side" goes on and on and on and my congregation would be in for a very lo-o-o-ng night (smile). Thanks for your comments and hoping that you're enjoying your weekend! Respond to this comment
» left by April Lorier(0) April Lorier (1 year 16 days ago.)
Well, bud, you made it through the learning curve and I'm so proud of you! I know it was hard for you (that's why we had so many conversations about it), but you set a good example for Laura Lynn, and that's what really matters. Doing something "new" always feels uncomfortable the first few times, but it gets easier. I promise! Good job. Respond to this comment
» left by Judi Lake(2,665) Judi Lake (1 year 15 days ago.)
Hi April! Standing ground is always difficult when dealing with abrasive personalities. I believe it is important "how we handle" difficult people and not be short-tempered -- that never accomplishes anything. In my youth, "short temper" was my middle name but it never, never, accomplished a thing. Power is not nearly as important as fairness is and I pray that my daughter learns early what I am still trying to learn at 50. Thanks for commenting and I hope you have a super weekend! Respond to this comment
» left by Anonymous (1 year 14 days ago.)
you hve a very lucky little girl. this is beautiful. Respond to this comment
» left by Teresa Ortiz(4,822) Teresa Ortiz (364 days 13 hours ago.)
Hi Judi, what a wonderful way to explain this reality to your daughter. I had to do this with my daughter. Unfortunately, in my case, Brittany was the bossy friend. But with prayer and gentleness, we talked it through. She went on to be one of the sweetest girls in school and now at 19, has a love for people and reaches out to the underdog. She is "being Jesus" to everyone around her. Keep it up, your daughter will grow into an amazing woman of God! Thanks for sharing your talent and heart. God Bless! Respond to this comment
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