We've all heard it before. "Forgive and forget." "Turn
the other cheek." "Forgive them for they know not what they do."
"To err is human, to forgive divine."
This is all well-intentioned advice, I'm sure. However, while
it might look good on paper, or sound good in a sermon, forgiveness is not that
simple for mortal human beings. Nike's slogan of "Just Do It" may
work on the playing field, but it does not work in the field of human relationships,
especially when dealing with divorce.
The Fundamental
Difficulty in Forgiving Your Ex
I don't know about you, but when I got divorced, these
socially appropriate prescriptions for what I "should" do could not
have been further from my mind. I felt angry, resentful, abandoned,
apprehensive, disconsolate, frightened, furious, hurt, and overwhelmed, among
others. Well-meaning advice telling me simply to forget it, forgive her, and
move on was silly. However, that was all
I heard!
Divorce, including recovery from divorce, is a life
transition. It takes time. Likewise, letting go of our attachments to how things
used to be takes time. This includes our attachments, both positive and
negative, to our ex. Letting go of the emotional ties to another is not an act
of logic, and can't be accomplished by making a rational decision.
A More Helpful, and
Humane, Approach to Forgiveness
Then I ran on to a book by two educators and psychologists, Sydney
and Suzanne Simon, entitled How to Make
Peace with Your Past and Get on with Your Life. This book puts a human touch to forgiveness. It
removed my guilt about not being able to make the simple decision to
"forgive" my ex. For the first time I had a way to think about
forgiveness that was truly useful. Their book laid out what forgiveness is, and
what it is not, and in the process, pointed out the way to let go of the past
so we can get on with our lives.
What Forgiveness Is NOT
Simon and Simon point out that what all
major religious traditions tell us about forgiveness is not scientifically
true. That is, forgiveness is NOT (1) a Clear-Cut, One-Time Decision that is
usually communicated by some form of (2) Public Pronouncement,
preferably to the ex, in which we acknowledge a degree of (3) Self Sacrifice by
promising to (4) Forget what was done to us, and offer (5) Absolution to the perpetrator, while in the
process giving the impression that we actually (6) Condone what they did.
What Forgiveness IS
On the other hand, they tell us that Forgiveness
IS (1) the By-Product of an (2) ongoing, internal Healing Process in which,
over time, (3) we Let Go
of the Intense Emotions attached to incidents ffrom our past
with our ex.
Some outcomes of this "letting go" include the recognition
that we no longer
What This Means for
You and Me
Some consequences of treating forgiveness as the by-product
of an ongoing healing process include: (1) Don't expect forgiveness to come all
at once. The negative feelings will linger until they are "dissolved
away." (2) We must take personal responsibility to engage in the healing
process. Time alone will not do it. Making a public, or private, declaration
will not do it. (3) Well-meaning people will tell you to do stuff concerning
forgiveness, and how you should feel about your ex, that is just plain wrong. We
must courteously ignore them while we go about healing ourselves.
The good news is, if we "do the work" required to
heal from the pain of the divorce transition, one day we will wake up and
realize it has been days or weeks since we had any strong feelings about our
ex. This means forgiveness is complete.
So, what is “the work” we have to do? What does this
"healing process" look like? Where can I go to get it started?
For a summary of the work of the healing process and how it can
dramatically speed up your return to a "normal" life, please visit http://smoothdivorcerecovery.com/details/methodology.htm To get a free assessment of your Divorce Recovery
Stress Level, please visit http://www.smoothdivorcerecovery.com/stress/index.htm
I help divorced clients dramatically speed up their return
to the mainstream of life with renewed hope, unfettered by the chains of anger,
resentment, and shame that accompany divorce. My name is Jerald Young. I am a
transition consultant and divorce recovery coach and I wish you the very best
in making a smooth recovery from divorce.
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