The answer is “no." White people should not be scared to give Black people compliments. However, one probably wants to “think before speaking."
The reality is that there are many White people that are scared or apprehensive to give a Black person a compliment for fear that they may say the wrong thing. In today’s politically correct environment, society as a whole doesn’t want to offend others. This is especially true for Whites given the recent backlash felt by some well known Whites who have made comments about Blacks that resulted in a great deal of negative press and counter comments.
Two such examples were the comments made by Bill O’Reilly (host of “The O’Reilly Factor" on Fox News) reference Sylvia’s Restaurant (Black patroned and owned) in Harlem and Senator Joe Biden’s comments about Senator Barack Obama when asked what he thought of him. Neither Bill O’Reilly nor Senator Joe Biden was quite prepared for the negative responses they would receive from the Black Community. To make matters worse, both men have stated that they absolutely meant no offense by their comments.
Given the media attention of the backlash, is it any wonder that White people are scared or apprehensive to give Black people a compliment? This fear was recently demonstrated to me by a White man who recently sat next to me on an airplane. Ironically, sitting next to him on the other side was a Black female. All three of us were very friendly and felt very comfortable with each other. We were a Human Oreo Cookie. Given the comfort level experienced by the three of us, the man in the middle decided to relate to the lady and me a story and then ask a question that had been bothering him.
He began by telling us that he recently saw a Black lady in a store whose jewelry and skin color, in combination, were very striking and beautiful to look at. He wanted to give her a compliment about how beautiful the combination was but he was afraid that somehow he would offend her in some way, shape, or form. He wanted to know from us if it would have been ok to give the lady a compliment.
Although, I immediately wanted to answer his question, I felt it would be more appropriate and enlightening if our fellow travelling Black female were to respond first. Actually, I didn’t have much of a choice in the matter. This lady didn’t need any prodding and was very quick to respond. She said that it was good that he didn’t make the compliment because he probably would have offended her. The primary problem with his potential compliment was that he included the lady’s skin color.
She asked him if he would have made the same statement to a White lady in regards to her jewelry and how great it looked with her skin color. He said no… he wouldn’t say that to someone White. Next she said, then why would you say it to someone Black. She explained that the Black person would probably feel that she was being slighted in someway given that she probably realized that he more than likely would not have made the same comment to a White lady. In other words, “Beauty is beauty." If he were simply to say, “Wow, your jewelry looks great" that would be fine and would not be offensive.
Let’s look at the earlier example I used reference Senator Joe Biden and Senator Barack Obama. When questioned about what he thought of Senator Obama, Senator Biden basically said that he thought Barack was clean cut, nice looking, and articulate. Now, here is how a great number of Blacks viewed the comment. “What?" “All Presidential Candidates should be clean cut and articulate!" “Why would Barack be any different?" As a result, a comment that was probably meant to be a compliment was viewed as insulting and offensive.
Needless to say, our White traveling buddy was glad that he didn’t give what he thought was a compliment which could have caused an unintended negative reaction. Another way to say it may be, if it’s not good for the goose (White people), than it’s probably not good for the gander (Black people.) Simpler stated… if you wouldn’t say it to a White person, than you probably shouldn’t say it to a Black person.
Kevin D. Moore is the author of “Did You Ever Wonder Why Black People Do The Things They Do?" and is the President of a motivational speaking and consultant company on leadership, management, communications, and diversity. He is a graduate of the United States Military Academy at West Point .
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» left by Joel Hendon(4,797) Joel Hendon (1 year 13 days ago.)
Hi Kevin. You've written two very good articles and I didn't notice anything I would disagree with. But I do really wonder if things would not improve if blacks put forth a stronger effort not to take offense so easily. I believe they miss some very good and sincere compliments simply because some are afraid of offending them. For instance, the Biden remark. I feel sure he was absolutely honest about it. Obama is a very neat and clean cut fellow, not compared to other blacks but compared to many of the other candidates. I'm not sure what the O'reilly remark was, but I find it somewhat difficult to believe he would intentionally make any type racist remark.
It seems that some blacks simply look for something to object to. I recall the big turmoil several years ago about the old TV shows of Amos and Andy. I thought they were hilarious, and did not associate that hilarity with them being black. I always thought the three stooges were extremely funny, but not because they were white. I realize that the past has treated us much differently and I can understand some of the stress perhaps. But I do believe that relations would improve much faster if so much offense was not taken so readily. Respond to this comment
» left by Kevin D. Moore(143) Kevin D. Moore (1 year 12 days ago.)
Joel,
Thank you for reading my articles. Your comments mean a lot! Also, I can tell by your comments that you don’t particularly see color when looking at people. That is a great thing! Unfortunately, not everyone is like you and, of course, that includes Black people as well.
I wish I could argue with you that Black people are not easily offended. But the reason I would not argue this is that not everyone comes from the same paradigm. What I mean is that based on your comments, it appears that you feel that some Blacks are not working hard enough to not easily be offended. However, if you were to talk to some of those Blacks, they may suggest to you to “walk a mile” in their shoes before suggesting that they are easily offended. They would probably tell you that they are not easily offended but more importantly are tired of having to put up with offenses and slights over the years.
For example, although you did not see color when watching Amos and Andy, many Black people did. Please keep in mind, the shows origins stem from a time when Blacks were not equal although they were no longer slaves either. Also, the show incorporated many stereotypes of Blacks that were not positive in their eyes. Lastly, during that time, Blacks couldn’t sit at the front of the bus, had to eat in the kitchens of restaurants, and didn’t have the right to vote. The point I’m trying to make is that for Blacks, Amos and Andy did not present them in a positive light and was very offensive.
Please don’t get me wrong, things are much much better than ever before; however, even I have experienced things that just aren’t right based on the color of my skin. I don’t believe I’m easily offended but I too have my moments. I guess one would say that I’m only human…
Kevin
» left by Joel Hendon(4,797) Joel Hendon (363 days 4 hours ago.)
Touché, Kevin, and so do I. I guess it is simply difficult to realize the feelings such treatment brought on if they never had to be subjected to it. I was raised in the south right in the middle of the worst of it too. But if I had ever made a disrepectful remark about or to a black person, I would have gotten a good old fashion whupping. Nobody was angrier than I was the time the Adams brothers, et. al, went upon the stage and buffeted Nat King Cole.
My only reason for commenting earlier was just that I wish it could forever be resolved and everyone could just love each other, and let the past be gone. But I'm sure that will not happen in my lifetime. Your articles are extremely well written. Respond to this comment
» left by Kevin D. Moore(143) Kevin D. Moore (350 days 23 hours ago.)
Joel,
I should have responded sooner. I apologize! Thank you for your thoughtfulness and openess. Together we can still make a difference.
Happy holidays,
Kevin Respond to this comment
» left by susan thom from nj (350 days 6 hours ago.)
hi kevin,
i would have told the woman that the jewelry went well with her skin color, because i would be speaking from the heart, and i believe the woman would have sensed that. when i go to the salon to get my hair dyed, the beautician tells me what color dyes would go well with my skin tone. honesty sometimes draws people together. it's true that some colors look better on different skin tones. whether you are black, white, asian, etc. i know what colors look good on me, and what ones make me look washed out. i think it might be in the messenger's attitude and sincerity that makes the difference.
i've never been prejudiced to any type of people, so i don't know how else to be, but honest. i would have ended up sitting next to that woman, AFTER i gave her the compliment. but, that's just me.
best regards,
sue thom
p.s. your shirt color in your picture matches well with your skintone! :) Respond to this comment
» left by Kevin D. Moore(143) Kevin D. Moore (338 days 10 hours ago.)
Sue,
Not everyone is willing to speak honestly to another and then be willing to face a positive or negative response. I applaud you! As for my shirt, I'm going to buy at least 20 more... :-}
Kevin Respond to this comment
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