There once lived a sweet, sensitive woman, who worried a lot about
every little thing, and who planned for the future. She was a very
devoted wife and mother and took great pride in her cooking. Somewhere
in the last few years, that woman became lost in a sea of confusion and
this story had to be revised. I know that deep down in her soul, she
remembers and hears me, although it appears most of the time that she
doesn't understand what is happening now, even though she's the major
actor in this life script. Mom, can you hear me?
It's been a long year, watching you quickly fall into the depths of
dementia, becoming unable to care for yourself in the way that you
always took pride in, unable to pay your bills, make sound judgments,
and to read the books you once enjoyed. It's been painful to watch you
slip from the very social and inquisitive person you once were to a
mild-mannered, hesitant personality who was so afraid to talk for fear
of showing her forgetfulness to the world. It's been difficult to see
you slip further into your current state of confusion about what time
we are in, where you are living and what just transpired two minutes
ago. I cannot hang onto you. You fell into that well too fast and too
deep and my hand cannot reach yours. Mom, can you hear me?
I sit and watch your childlike face, in anticipation and excitement, as
if getting ready to taste some delicious candy for the first time. You
whole-heartedly take in all around you, yet are unable to place it all
into a timely context. I ponder how it must have been for you when I
was a little girl and am perplexed that the roles are now totally
reversed. Can you understand that I am here? I know you hear my words,
but can you hear me, Mom?
Do you remember, Mom? Do you remember the way we used to fight over
little things when I was a teenager? Can you hear those words, Mom? Do
you remember how sorry I was? Do you remember all those endless summer
nights playing marbles with Dad? And what about the beautiful weekends
at the cabin fishing? Do you remember never catching a fish? Does it
make you laugh inside? Mom, can you hear me?
What about all those occasions of playing cards with the Clarks? Can
you hear the laughter? Do you remember all those dances with Dad? Can
you hear the music? Do you remember the endless seasons of Hawkeye
basketball? Can you hear the cheers? Do you remember the players who
were like sons to you that you held so dear in your heart? Would you
know them if you saw them now, Mom? Mom, can you hear me?
I sit and watch you confuse the identity of your two grandchildren, who
you always spoiled so much with all those extra little things you did
to make their days. Then I watch you figure out which one is which. I
sigh with relief and comfort in knowing that you still know who they
are. I am grateful and pray for more days like this one. I look at my
children and praise God that they have each other and affirm in my
prayers that I will always have my memory of them. Mom, can you hear me?
Do you remember that Dad died, Mom? That was over six years ago
already. I know that it may seem like yesterday to you and you often
think he is still here. Perhaps you really do talk to him, Mom. What
does he tell you? What does he think of all of this? Do you want to be
with him again? Is that why you are not getting better? Are you letting
go and giving up? Mom, can you hear me?
I am comforted in knowing that you are safe where you are now. You are
happy and well-cared for, even though you pack everyday to go "home."
Are you longing for that place where our family can be together again?
Are you thinking that I will come and get you and take you "home" to be
with Dad?They say that "home is where the heart is." Where is your
heart, Mom? Mom, can you hear me?
I know where your heart is, Mom. Your heart is with your family. We
will always be a family. No amount of confusion, dementia or physical
limitations can take that from us. Our family will always be "at home"
through the love in our souls. The memories are in the love, Mom,
embedded into our hearts. Even when the brain doesn't remember, the
heart has an endless memory. Rest assured that it is all going to be
ok. We are "at home"through the memories of love imprinted into our
souls. Mom, can you hear me?
Yes, I know you can and I am at peace in that knowing.
Barbara A. Clark has been a professional in higher education for over 25 years. She holds a Master's degree in Counseling from the University of Iowa and completed all course requirements for a Ph.D in International Comparative Education before several life-changing events interrupted her studies. It was during the interruption that Barbara discovered her passion for service to the world through love and intention. She is passionate about her new journey as "The Spirited Strider," serving the world in love, one step at a time. Barbara is a writer, educator, speaker, counselor and coach, specializing in the law of attraction and EFT techniques, and is an accomplished cross-cultural trainer.
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