With the spotlight beaming down on the issue of domestic violence in the past year, in particular, with the disappearance of Stacy Peterson, Lisa Stebic, the unsolved murder of Nailah Franklin and so many others, if you are in an abusive relationship, it is important that you have a game plan.
If you are in an abusive relationship and you need to get out but do not have a clue as to how to begin, please carefully read through the suggestions below. Or if you are a friend, relative and even a co-worker please print the information off and make sure that person knows that you care and they have your support whatever they decide to do.
First, you have to understand that no one deserves to be abused. My guess if you are a victim that for years you have had to adust your behavior, on a daily basis in order ro reduce the violence. If you talk back, disagree with the person you already understand the heavy price paid when "you do not follow orders or do what you are told".
Through the years you have denied or minimized the abuse. And now you may feel helpless, your in too deep and you may feel there is no way out. But you are wrong. You can get help and get out safely with a plan. Before you begin it is very important that you be the very best actress you can. During each step, you must be ten steps ahead of the person abusing you. It is dangerous when you in a violent relationship and are preparing to leave to discuss any plans of ending the relationship with that individual. You must not provoke any conflict or agument that may be going on once you have begun the process of leaving. If you do, you take the chance of being harmed with bodily injury. You never confront the person abusing you that it is over. You may want to confront the person because at that moment you feel strong and empowered to inform the abuser and let them know your ending the relationship, but the consequences to your actions or reactions will play a key role in your safety.
You have indured so much. You may be tired, feeling as though you just don't have the strength or the resoucres to leave, but you do. If you have lived day in and day out with a controlling manipulative individual, leaving will be difficult for you at the begining. You have been brainwashed to feel as though you are worthless, no good to anyone. Well revese that thought, you are with that person so you can't be "worthless", now can you? Domestic violence has destroyed your confidence to grow as a human being, to try new things, to develop talents. It is a toxin that has effected every aspect of your life. And now it is time for you to remove the toxin within your being.
Creating a Safety Plan:
LEAVING ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS
Its important to allow yourself enough time when preparing to leave an abusive relationship, especially if youre married and have children, but it can be done. Its also a good idea once you begin, not to make calls from your home, go to a pay phone, friends, relatives, or call and make arrangements from your place of employment. Remember NOT to use your home computer.
Begin by drafting a plan of action for yourself. Start to gather copies of important papers like:
Birth certificates (of you and the children) Make sure you have certified copies.
Social Security cards
Marriage certificate
Insurance policies
Make a record of all bank account numbers (including any in your childrens names). Is there a 401K plan at work, IRA, or an account at a credit union, if so, make copies.
Make copies of your income tax returns for the past three years.
Make copies of all titles or property information including major appliance manuals and guarentees
Try and get a couple of your spouses pay stubs, make copies.
Are there any stocks, savings bonds, etc., make copies.
Contact your doctor and dentist and get copies of all medical records which you can either pick-up in person, or have them mailed to a trusted relative or friend for safe keeping.
Childrens school records.
Passports for you and the children.
Prescriptions for any medications you and the children take (if possible, stock up).
Spare keys to the house, garage, car, safety deposit box, etc.
If you wear prescription glasses or a hearing aid device, get an extra set made and keep them with your important documents.
Title to the car.
Contact the credit bureau and request a copy of your credit report, and remember to send a letter. If you need an example to send please email me at kindlivingpress@aol.com and I'll email you one that you can use.
Always place passwords on utilities, bills, so that only you, have access into these accounts so they can't be disconnected or changed.
Try and save money and open a bank account in your name.
Just before your ready to leave, go to your bank, and withdraw what you can (this should be done on the day youre preparing to leave, because as money is withdrawn, it will be reflected on the account balance either on that day or the following day. And you dont want to take chances, especially if an emergency arises and your partner must suddenly use their ATM card or withdraw monies and discover the account balance has changed.
Use whatever cash advance you have available to open up an individual interest bearing account.
If possible, take your home computer with you on the day you leave.
If you are unable to take the computer, remove all data, addresses, take the disks. If you are unsure how to do this please ask someone who you know and trust to assist you.
If you run a computer home-based business, change all your passwords, change your screen name, and change your internet service provider and dont insert personal information into any online directories.
Secure a private post office box. Either have someone you trust do this in their name on your behalf (someone that your partner wouldnt suspect or know) or, go to a private company like Mailboxes, etc., rather than a post office. And whenever possible use suite or apartment numbers instead of using the words post office box.
Make changes for your bills, bank accounts, etc., by using the forms provided, try not to fill out a change of address with your postal service.
Get an unpublished/unlisted telephone number.
When preparing to move, ask someone you trust to rent a place in their name on your behalf.
When hiring a moving company, use a small company. Or if you need to use a large company, have them move your items to a storage unit that has been secured in another persons name, then contact a small local moving company to move them for you.
Line through items as you complete them.
If you have received an order of protection from the courts and youre preparing to move, contact your local police department, explain that you have a court order and youre requesting they send an officer to your home while you are moving. If you dont have one, then maybe now is a good time to get one. If you are still unsure than please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE and they will direct you to someone in your area to assist you with how to obtain a court order of protection.
HOW DOES A DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ORDER OFFER PROTECTION?
An order of protection is a court order that provides protection for victims of domestic abuse. A person can obtain an order of protection on an emergency basis when there is a likelihood of harm or injury by the abuser. Typically, an emergency order of protection is obtained after a recent incident has occurred and a police report has been made. The incident allows a victim to petition the courts with the assistance of a states attorney or county prosecutor, who works on your behalf without charge, for an emergency order of protection or temporary restraining order (it varies in each state). Then, the judge hears your case, without the presence of the abuser. The judge makes a decision regarding the facts of your case, at which time the judge may grant a temporary emergency order of protection for a maximum of 21 days. Then, the abuser is served by a sheriff or police officer a copy of the order prohibiting contact with the victim for a 21-day period and a court date is set for the abuser to appear before the judge. Both parties return on the scheduled date. You are represented by the state and the abuser either by a private attorney or a public defender. Then the judge, based on the information, decides to set a hearing date. Your order of protection will usually be continued until the outcome of the case. Once you have the order:
Continue to report all incidents that occur to the police and document them.
If there is further abuse, contact the county prosecutors office or states attorney and update them.
If you received medical treatment for any injuries sustained, make sure you get a copy of your medical treatment report and take pictures.
Do not initiate any further contact with the person.
Always keep a copy of your order with you at all times, make extra copies for your car, employer, etc.
For support, shelter, or additional information on what is available to you I suggest you contact:
Your local States Attorney or Prosecutors office
The Attorney Generals office
Your local battered womens shelter and/or counseling center
The local Bar Association.
Telephone numbers for the above are listed in your local phone book. And you can go to your local library for information on the laws and resources available in your state.
WHO IS PROTECTED UNDER THE ORDER OF PROTECTION?
Spouse
Former spouse
Parent
Children
Stepchild
Dating or engagement relationship
Person related by blood or marriage
Sharing or formally sharing a common dwelling
Persons who have a child in common
Sharing a blood relationship through a child
WHAT IS A CIVIL ORDER OF PROTECTION?
The procedure for a civil order of protection varies from state to state. Any local or state womens organizations, lawyer, or states attorney will be happy to explain the procedures in your area. When you petition for a civil order of protection, usually no criminal charges have been filed against the alleged abuser. Many seek this type of order when they file for divorce. It is still important to obtain pictures for evidence and witnesses for your case. The order is effective for the same length of time as a criminal order of protection and it is issued by a judge.
If you would like to email me please know that everything sent is read only by me and is kept in strict confidence. Again, the email address is kindlivingpress@aol.com.
» left by James P Krehbiel(1,430) James P Krehbiel (1 year 6 days ago.)
Susan,
This is an exceptionally well written article that provides practical strategies for those victims who are trapped in abusive relationships. You have shown the way out and you have paved the path. As a psychotherapist, I appreciate your comments and suggestions. Thank you. Respond to this comment
» left by Susan Murphy-Milano(159) Susan Murphy-Milano (1 year 5 days ago.)
James- please consider emailing me at kindlivinginc@aol.com provide an addreess where I can ship you a book that may assist you in your work. Have a wonderful holiday! Respond to this comment
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