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If you’re a woman, you’re also a daughter. You have a mother. These
are two distinct roles that play out over a lifetime. So what happens
when you become a mother to a daughter? You probably have a new
appreciation for some of the things your mom has said to you over the
years because suddenly you find yourself SAYING THEM. My mother is
funny and sarcastic and loving. And I have picked up all these
attributes along the way. But when those snarky comments are directed
at me, it stings, and conversely, when I had moments where I thought I
was being clever, I ended up feeling bad afterward. In part I blame all
the summer Scrabble games that taught me so many words to use at just
the right time! Admittedly I was a smart mouth. On the rare occasion
where I asked permission to do something wacky (But everyone is going
unchaperoned to the Amazon to go cliff diving) and Mom would say, “I
don’t care” I would respond, “I know you don’t!” trying to turn it
around.
So I really enjoyed Deborah Tannen’s book on the very subject that
vexes mothers and daughters - understanding each other. As a daughter
and a sociolinguist, Tannen gets to the heart of the matter of
communication with so many examples of people that are eerily similar
that I found myself wondering at times whether she was channeling parts
of my childhood.
Innocent questions posed to a teen girl such as, “Are you wearing
that tonight?” said (or heard/perceived) in the wrong tone can set off
World War III of teen clothing debate. Same goes for comments about
weight, too much or too little makeup , whether or not we need hair
cuts etc. I wanted to wear makeup in seventh grade which got a “No” but
when I was a freewheeling make-up eschewing college student I heard on
occasion, “why don’t you put on a little lipstick?”
Moms seek to improve. Daughters demand autonomy. Or moms allow
daughters to be free and make their own decisions and daughters feel
that they should have had more mentoring. But if someone else were to
criticize the daughter, the mother would very likely come to the
daughter’s defense.
Tannen sums it up like this: “Talk typically plays a larger and more
complex role in girls’ and women’s relationships than it does in boys’
and men’s…Among girls and women, talk is the glue that holds the
relationship together–and also the explosive that can blow it apart”
A friend, who I hope doesn’t mind being used as an example said this
about a recent conversation with her mother. “When I told her I’d be
over to her house around 2pm after I go running she said, ‘You can run
when I’m dead!’” to which I laughed hysterically even though I wasn’t
sure the mother was kidding. She seemed to be saying that she wanted to
spend more time with her daughter but blurted it out in such a way that
would make the daughter less inclined to want to visit at all. And so
it goes. We try to communicate our needs and desires but the words make
a mess of our nicest intentions.
Approval seems to be the big issue for many daughters. I wanted my
parents approval on one level but rebelled with an eyebrow piercing, a
summer month of dreadlocks in my hair and finally moved on to the
ultimate parental affront: the tattoo. When my mom and I were talking
about the tattoo she would likely see upon my wedding dress try-on day
she said, “Well I hope your children like them!” to which I had no
response. How can I respond to that? She didn’t have her ears pierced
until after she was married. We are from different generations and what
society once thought only appropriate for sailors now finds almost
mainstream. Look at it from her perspective. That’s what I try to do.
And when I said that I would never live in the town where I grew up, I
could feel the hurt before the words were even out of my mouth, when
what I meant was that it would be hard to find a good paying writing
job in a town that relies heavily on the tourism industry. I like the
beach town where I grew up and miss the good times I spent there
growing up, especially as carefree days by the pool drinking home-made sun tea are few and far between.
Next month, I will become a mother to a girl. Once I HAVE a daughter
and my role has come full circle, I have to wonder what kinds of things
I will communicate to her. I hope they’re at the very least, funny,
sarcastic and loving. |
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