Many people today are worried about, even obsessed with being normal. Even though many very abnormal people view these worries as pathetic, still, there seems to be a demand for this information. I figure that if I didn’t provide it, it’s possible that somebody even less qualified than me will offer it and make a bunch of money in the process. Since that is such a scary thought we offer the following list of things that normal people usually don’t do. If you are regularly doing any of the following and want to seem normal, you should probably stop now. These behaviors will not convince people you are normal:
1. Trying to get up enough speed to drive your motor scooter through a big rock.
2. Asking the airport security people to hold your grenade while you empty our pockets.
3. Sitting down in the lunchroom and chowing down on a sack of marbles.
4. Sitting down in the lunchroom and chowing down on your neighbor’s foot.
5. Using your forehead to break chunks out of the driveway.
6. Using your friend’s forehead to break chunks out of the driveway.
7. Having animated conversations in public with your imaginary weasel friend, Ernie.
8. Using explosives to weed your garden.
9. Floating over Niagra Falls in a kitty litter box.
10. Floating over Niagra Falls on a Zucchini.
11. Sticking your tongue into the toaster.
12. Wear a dead possum around your neck.
13. Wear your underwear outside your clothes.
14. Sleeping on a mattress made of spun glass insulation.
15. Having an argument with yourself that comes to blows.
Ben Goode is author of 25 books published to date and volumes upon volumes of stinging, hard hitting, often sarcastic small town newspaper editorials, most of which the editors have seen fit not to publish, and an occasional bathroom stall rebuttal, proving that it really isn’t necessary to know very much about a subject in order to write a book about it and hold oneself out as an expert. To enjoy more of Ben’s humor go to: http://www.apricotpress.com
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