This is a painful story to report but someone has to do it so it might as well be me. In what must be considered one of the most heinous crimes in the history of civilization, Irish police have reported that some dastardly villains have stolen all the beer. Well, not all of it but enough to make a right-minded beer drinker wince in pain.
In Dublin Ireland, it is reported that a thief or thieves broke into the Guinness Brewery and made off with 450 full kegs of the company’s trademark beverages. The reprehensible criminals are reported as taking 180 barrels of Guinness stout, 180 kegs of lager Budweiser and 90 kegs of the Danish beer, Carlsberg.
Obviously stealing beer made famous in three different countries should make this an international case and I hope Interpol, the KGB, CIA and the Danish military all get involved in finding these culprits. I assume the U.N. will call a Security Council meeting and condemn the theft although what good that will do isn’t apparent. Now one would think finding so many kegs of beer would be a fairly easy task but it might not be so on the Emerald Isle. There are 10,000 taverns and pubs in this country of only 4.2 million souls so finding errant kegs of beer is like looking for a needle in a haystack made out of needles. Rumors of the O’Shaunesy and Muldoon families having massive family reunions with free beer might be something for police to look into. Providing they come with a good attitude and an empty pint glass that is.
I have heard of people getting a frog in their throat but c’mon now. Kansas City Missouri law enforcement officials are reporting a story about a local resident arrested for collecting and freeze drying toad saliva off the back of a Sonoran Desert toad from the Colorado River territory. I have heard stories about this frog before. It appears the amphibian secretes a nasty venom whenever it becomes afraid or mad and this venom, when ingested, makes people think the world is a marvelous place to frolic in. Until recently the stories of misusing this frog to become high, dealt with people licking the back of the toad. Since a frog trying to get away isn’t something wantonly kept in a person’s front pocket, except perhaps for a young man trying to impress his date, dope creators devised a new system for making frog saliva available.
The gentleman apprehended was charged with taking the venom and drying it so that it could be turned into a smoking product much like a Winston or Marlboro. Such a system is obviously easier on the druggie not to mention the poor frog who just wants to go back to Colorado to mate and poison birds trying to eat it.
The first person to lick this type of toad’s back to realize it carries a hallucinogen is not known but I have my own theory. I believe it goes back to whoever wrote the first fairy tale about kissing a frog that then turned into a prince. I can just see some extremely hard-up wench licking this type of frog and then after getting stoned, thinking the frog was now a handsome prince. It also explains why some of us can jump better than others as I’m sure they are progeny of that first coupling of toad and human.
The one problem with toad licking or toad smoking is that too much of the venom and a person can “croak" from an overdose. I’m sorry but you knew I had to put that in here.
All this bizarre seeking of strange ways to get high caused the reporters and Missouri officials to talk about other strange hallucinogens people are trying in order to hide from the real world. One urban legend discussed although not determined as fact yet, is that human feces and urine when fermented and then dried and ingested can cause people to think all politicians are bright and honest. Missouri officials stated they were doing research on that rumor but it was slow going since no one wants to volunteer to eat the stuff to see what it actually does. If true, this could be an economic and ecological windfall to America. Imagine how much water we will save since parents will tell their kids not to flush and we will all start reaping in those high revenue, untaxed drug profits we keep reading about other people making. There could be truth to the story. That at least would explain why my friends at the sewerage treatment plant are always so damn happy.
That’s it for now. I have to go to the bathroom. I’m thinking of becoming a drug dealer. I seem to have an unlimited supply of product to work with. I imagine if I team up with Kermit the frog, we can become a cartel. |
