The Theory of Birdie Num Num

      You may have heard of the book, Men are From Mars, Women From Venus. That’s ridiculous!

       But it is true that women are descended from birds. Men from hogs.

       I have clinically proven in laboratory studies conducted in my garage that women, not dinosaurs, share DNA and character traits with birds.

Just think of the parallels. Proof that women evolved from an animal will explain all the unexplainable behavior that we men have had to put up with all these years. Divorce proceedings will now proceed with greater ease and fluidity because lawyers will be able to show that the irritating habits women have are in fact a reflex act of nature.

       Watch a woman eat her dinner. She picks at her food.

Just like a barnyard chicken. Doesn’t eat all of it. Just selected choice little morsels.

       It infuriates you. You ask her, aren’t you gonna eat that? Then you reach over to her plate and take it. You’re the sucker paying for the dinner after all.

       Women lose their car keys. I don’t lose mine. I hang onto mine, like my life depended on it.

       Why do women lose car keys? Because millions of years ago they had wings and could fly around effortlessly. So, they disdain subconsciously (without knowing it) travel on the ground. Thus, they don’t care about their keys.

       I swear. Sometimes my wife makes me so angry and resentful, I become numb with rage. Therefore, I call this………..the Theory of Birdie Num Num.

       Old women get a hump in their back with age (called Dowager’s Hump) that makes ’em look like the hunchback of Notre Dame (named after an old-time, deformed, backfield college football player).

       Why do you think that is?

       THAT’S WHERE THE WINGS USED TO GO! The place where the wings used to hook up to….to the spine. This old broad wants to fly away. Chances are her husband wants that too.

       But he thinks she’ll use a broomstick. She was once a pterodactyl (prehistoric bird).

There are still certain similarities. Look at the old broad’s tiny, gnarled hands with the wicked obscene fingernails. Look at those shriveled little hooters on the pterodactyl.

       Now. Stomp hard on the old broad’s foot.

       Hear her screech. Hear that screech she made?

Ouch my foot!

Didn’t that sound just like a prehistory avian predator? You bet it did. What more proof do you need?

       Ever see Paris Hilton throw out her chest? Watch a robin in the tree in your front yard do the same thing. It’s a proven fact that birds store rocks they’ve eaten in their chest to help grind up and digest the plants they eat. If you feel Paris Hilton’s left breast, you will see it’s as hard as a rock.

       No greater proof perhaps exists in that women go to the bathroom with the toilet seat raised (men need it down). This is so obvious do I even need to explain it to you? Women used to sit in trees when they were birds, and pooped far below them onto the ground.

It was, then as now, much daintier poop than men’s.

       And finally, unlike men, women constantly preen themselves (lipstick and comb). How birdlike. In the car, they ask you to roll the window up so as not to muss their hair. This is an ancient urge to keep all their feathers perfectly aligned.

       As I mentioned at the beginning of this scientific treatise, men are descended from hogs. If you doubt, watch myself or Dick Cheney eat dinner.

Hogs root in mud, they smell, they’re hairy, filthy, powerful, big and lumpy, and don’t care very much about their weight. They consume everything in sight. They belch and fart a lot.

       Okay. Nobody’s perfect.