Occasionally I get calls from men and women who want to know if their ex is using them, but before I can even answer, they get into "He/she is really a good person, I really don't think he/she is using me… I guess he/she is looking deep down in his/her heart to find out what he/she really wants and with whom."
And when I ask, "Is this what he/she is telling you?" Their reply is "No, I just know him/her. He/she is not that kind of person."
At this point I am thinking to myself, "So why are you calling me to ask me if I think your ex is using you?"
When you can't fool even yourself anymore, it's definitely past "make-believe".
Just because you really want to believe something doesn't mean that you should read more "love" into his or her actions than there is. For all there is, those signs that he or she wants you back could be wishful thinking more than anything else.
The really sad part about being stringed along is that it lures you into a false sense of hope. Since he or she hasn't done anything to make you feel otherwise you sort of get the idea that there might actually be a second chance, and you keep on waiting --forever. You might even discover after "waiting" endlessly that he or she has a potential lay lined up but wants you to be on a string just incase it doesn't work.
If you suspect that your ex is using you, chances are they are…
If you are getting very mixed signals, sit up!
1. He or she seldom -- if ever -- compliments you even when you take extra time to make yourself especially attractive to him or her. Your ex doesn't even look at your admiringly when you go out.
2. He or she is so sweet when you are together (and when you are having sex) but when you are apart, he or she ignores you -- never bothers to call and doesn't seem to care at all what's happening in your life.
3. If it's been over three months of "it's there but not quite there yet" and you are still the one always emailing and calling him or her. You never receive anything from him or her. He or he rarely -- if at all -- initiates contact.
4. You barely have a meaningful conversation and your calls never last more than 5 minutes on the phone. And if they do, it's because he or she has had a rough day and wants an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on.
5. Before the break-up, he or she took you to meet his or her friends, and invited you to family BBQ's and office Christmas parties, but since the two of you have been seeing each other again, you've not been invited to meet friends or family. It's like your ex doesn't want people close to him or her to know that the two of you are "back together".
6. He or she spends more time hanging out with friends than he or she spends with you.
7. You never really talk about "us". Most of your communication is in "I" or "you" and not much "we" -- except when you are disagreeing on something.
8. You are supporting your ex financially -- money, accommodation, bills and you pay for most of your dates etc.
These are very strong signs that should tell you that you are being used. But don't jump at straws --it will only send your mind into a loop. Ask your ex what the real deal is.
There is a possibility that your ex is:
1) Just testing you to see if he or she can once again trust you with his or her heart;
2) Is confused about your change, may be or she didn't expect you to be different (totally loving person) from the person he or she broke up with in the first place;
3) Feeling that things are happening too soon and too quickly for him or her;
4) Still wants to be friends and maybe have something later on in the future.
5) Needs your financial support until he or she can get on his or her own feet (that is if at all they've ever been on their two feet without leaning on someone else).
BUT there is also that possibility that your ex is using you and stringing you along.
You'll never know if you don't find out -- by asking the right way.
There isn't that much of an incremental risk in terms of rejection pain anyway. If anything it will clarify where things actually stand, and help you move forward one way or another from the confusing place where you are now.
If you are interested in learning how to get past "no" to getting "yes" without coming across as pushy, needy or controlling, you might want to check out my e-Book:Dating Your Ex - What You Can Do Tonight, Tomorrow And The Next Day To Get Your Ex Back!
About Author: Internationally renowned Dating & Relationships Coach, Christine Akiteng has devoted years of her life re-uniting couples and has seen over and over again first hand what works. She has woven together solid-gold advice on just about every stage of getting back together with your ex to help you make the process less scary and shaky and more exciting and smooth as possible.
tweet this!