Some people are instantly attracted to one another, get along fine, and live happily ever after. God bless them. But many more seem to be doing something wrong, with the divorce rate so high. There are a million reasons why, but I believe one of the biggest reasons is the length a couple knows each other before entering into marriage, or a live in relationship. Everybody is looking for happiness and contentment and security. These are human traits, they aren't deceitful tricks, although there are those that go that route. When we meet someone we feel happy and content and secure with, we feel it's time to get married, buy a home, and have kids and the all American family. We may believe that this is what love is.
It sounds like love to me. That's how my mother felt, only she had another link to my father. She was physically and emotionally attached to him. They loved each other very much. And she also felt safe and content and secure with him. Love doesn't always have to be that way. Love can be more of a deep commitment and friendship. A love for the way a person treats you and makes you feel. A love for the character traits you see in their personality. There are all different kinds of love. There is no one relationship that has to fit a certain criteria to be in love, and in what way. The reason, I believe so many marriages don't make it is the lack of time spent getting to know one another.
If you haven't gone swimming together, you won't know that your mate hates the beach, won't walk on the sand, and would never go in the ocean. Meanwhile, you adore any body of water and love the beach and the feel of the sand through your toes. It doesn't seem like much, but it can cause animosity down the road when vacation time comes and there's a battle as to where you're going to go. If you haven't fished together, you won't know that she will look away rather than put a worm on a hook, shrieks everytime a fish is taken off, and wants off the boat after twenty minutes. If you haven't spent time around kids together, you won't know that you have a stern approach, and he just lets things slide.
What colors do you each like? It will come into play when you buy your first home, or rent an apartment. Do you like coffee in the morning? Will there be coffee in the canister for you, who has to have your coffee in the morning? Have you spent time with other couples? Is your mate the one who has to take over the party, or do they just sit in the corner, embarrassing you in front of your friends? Do either of you enjoy gardening, or painting, or working on improving your home? When you do have children will you both discipline them together, and as a unit? Will one let them do things the other won't? Will one's punishment be a hug and an ice cream cone, while the other says time for bed?
I think these are all things couples should know before they get married. The choices will affect the relationship. So many topics should be discussed, instead of trivial dating nonsense that will get you down the aisle, and into divorce court. How do each of you feel about war, about discrimination, about judmentalism? What role will the extended family play in your lives? Does your mate consider what you will do as a homemaker and mother, to be a full time job, or a vacation they don't get to take? Will there be shared responsibilities? Will there be equal babysitting while the other does something alone and for themselves for once? Do people even talk about these things? They are all situations that could ultimately cause friction and distance.
I think couples should spend as much time together as possible, and do as many different things together, and be with as many people as you know, so that you can see your mate in action, and be sure if you want to spend the rest of your life with that person. How do they feel about politics? Are they a Democrat or a Republican, where do they stand on abortion and stem cell research? Do they like the Discovery Channel or boxing? How many kids do they want? What style house would they choose? Do they want to be close to neighbors, or more remote? Do they want to live in the country or city? So much information to get to know about somebody, but well worth it. When you don't know all these things, and you get married, and you don't know if strawberry shortcake is your mate's favorite desert, there is bound to be trouble on the horizon.
Hindsight is 20/20, but I think we should all get to know our future husband or wife in every way we can. What their fears are, their insecurities, their favorite things, their least favorite things, their views on child rearing, and their future hopes and dreams. How do they deal with hurt feelings? With anger? With sadness? So many people get hurt when we don't know our mate, and innocent children are usually in the middle of it all. I think there should be a two year engagement law, and a checklist for couples that want to make sure they are compatible to their future mate. Maybe couples would break up before they got married. Maybe someone else would be better suited to their personalities. Maybe they could find love in another way with someone else, and be able to make the relationship work, and last. It's just an idea.
Susan Thom is the mother of three children, two sons, 18 and 22, and a daughter 24. Writing calms her, and gives her a place to go by herself! Clears the head and gets it out. She lives in a rural area, with a lake and mountains, and her partner, and has loved writing since she was a child.
She certainly hopes you enjoy her take on life, and her style of communicating that in stories.
She has been on a journey of self discovery for twenty years, and has learned many things about the human mind, and how to maintain some semblance of calm and peace within.
If someone reads one of her stories, and relates to her feelings, and maybe gets a suggestion on how she dealt with them in a positive way, that would be the ultimate gift of her writing.
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