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As we go through situations in life, how often do we wonder where the pendulum will stop, or rather, when will our bad luck end? I personally don't believe in luck, but rather divine intervention or right choices, but bad luck seems to be another story. When one occurrence after another happens that causes us pain and heartache and maybe anger and frustration, we're going through some bad luck.
Others may think it is through some bad deeds or karma on our part that these things keep happening, but we know when we are the victim, and not the villain. Never attribute to malice that which can be attributed to stupidity. Many of us mean no harm by the choices we make at certain times in our lives. It's just the way we are thinking at the time. We haven't experienced all we need to know to make stronger, more accurate decisions. That doesn't make us bad people, especially when we have the capacity to learn and grow and change, and do so.
Change isn't easy. It takes hours and hours of thought and contemplation and reminiscing and accepting and giving in and giving up when needed. Until we feel good enough about ourselves to be willing to admit our mistakes and defeats, we won't be able to clear our pasts and get on with our day to day lives. Not without feeling guilt and shame and anger over things we never dealt with. In my case, I had to be broken like a horse before I could become strong enough to face my reality, which had become bazarre and crippling to me emotionally and physically. I had to live my daily routine and take care of three children and try to reinvent a strong, compassionate, passionate, honest and willing human being. Willing to learn new ways of thinking that would help me in my everyday life.
It took me a few years, but I did it, and I am now strong enough to deal with whatever our Lord wants me to deal with. Nothing is going to kill me or make me go crazy. Everything can and will be made right and fair, and I will move on with my life. I have been to the dark side of the soul, unfortunately many times, and I don't want to go back there again if I can help myself from dropping that low. I have the faith I need at this time of my life. I didn't always. I used to worry a lot more, and refuse to accept things I didn't want to hear. I got upset over things I thought and knew were inappropriate, but I taught myself how to deal with each problem or situation, instead of trying to ignore it until it went away. They never went away.
I would be blinded by anger because things might have happened that I thought were so off the wall, but anger never fixed any problem. It only made me look like the bad guy. I don't need that happening anymore, the truth speaks for itself. I don't have to prove anything any longer. That's a lot of stress and pressure off my mind, and that's definitely a good thing. Now I can think good thoughts. I can be the real me. That me has no anger or animosity towards the ones I love. That me has patience and kindness and is a caring, warm, and friendly person. That me is honest to a fault. That me is responsible, respectful, and dependable. That me can keep a secret forever. That me is humble, and wants to do good for others. That me thinks about others first. That me is a mother who has no trouble stating she would kill for her kids.
That me is the person I developed after going through a series of hard knocks over the years, especially this last one. I like that person. I am not to be intimidated, I am who I am, and that is a good, decent human being. Someone told me to be thankful for the rain, or nothing would ever grow, and they were right. Had I not gone to the pits of my Hell on this Earth, I would not have been forced to change and grow. I have since developed some skills to help me when I'm going through bad times, and of course, these skills came about out of a great deal of pain. To change it, I had to change me.
The benefits have been fruitful and helpful in my daily life, and I hope to continue learning and growing, just not in the same serious and negative ways I did in my past. It's easier to let things go quicker and more easier than before. Experience has shown me how to slow down and not worry so much. This has improved my life and brought me more happiness. Where will the pendulum stop? I have no idea, and for the first time in my life, I don't care. I know wherever it stops, I will adjust to the circumstances, and enjoy my life. At fifty one, it's about time.
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