Independence begins very early in life. When a baby can hold their own bottle, but it makes you feel cozy and closer to hold it, you are already impeding on their right to be independent, in my opinion. When they can crawl around the room and get their toys, but you put them all in a pile to make it easier for them, you are taking away their ability to reason and think about how to get from here to there, and how many toys can they hold at once, etc. It's hard to think so far ahead when they are such little beings, but one day, they are going to go out into the world to be on their own. Will you have taught them all they need to know? If things happen they do not know about, will the concepts and beliefs you have made them aware of, help them figure out those things? You better hope.
When my kids were old enough to take their toys out, they had to put them back. They were just used to doing it. This helped when they started nursery school, and had to do the same thing. Now that they are 17, 20, and 22, they know to put the ketchup back after they use it. This keeps one of my kid's apartment's clean, and the other one lives with roommates, and it keeps them from being an annoyance, or obtrusive to the way the others want to live. When they spilled something, they had to clean it. Why should they walk away from something they spilled, when they had hands? I was never intended to be the housekeeper, and I didn't get paid, and I wanted my kids to learn self sufficiency according to the way I believed it should be.
So, they learned to clean up their spills and not leave them. They do the same in their lives today. They were taught to take their shoes off at the front door if they were wet or dirty. They have done that at every house they have ever been to, including their own places now, without ever having to be told. I fought with them over clothes that were wrinkled, versus clothes that were not. I'm not sure if they ever got that one down, but they are dressed well when I see them.
I taught three little kids to share with each other, whether it was toys or food or taking turns on the swing, and they share with others. I taught them how wonderful it feels to receive cards with beautiful words of love, and now, they give me such cards. I taught them how to admire things of beauty, from a piece of colored glass on the ground, to a beautiful butterfly, or bird. I taught them the importance of honesty, and it's always the best decision you can make. If you are going to call in sick because you're tired and need a break, tell your boss that. Don't tell him you're sick, and come in fine the next day, while he knows you lied to him. He will appreciate the truth, and if says no, you have a decision, quit or don't take off, but at least you told the truth. My belief is that the truth is the most honorable characteristic we possess, and we should honor it by keeping it!
If I wanted the garbage emptied, and one of my kids told me they would do it later, they didn't. They did it then, no matter how much they argued. This helped to teach them not to put things off, to get rid of the things you don't want to do first, and relax later, with them done. I had to take one of my kids to the doctor the other day. We had to go to the gas station, which was the farthest away, and the pharmacy, but first, the doctor. We went, and as we were going through town I was telling my child that we'd get gas first because it was the farthest, then we'd come back to the pharmacy and then home. I told them it's a good way to adapt to doing things. Do the hardest, farthest things first, and then make your way back. This may help them when they get on their own. It can't hurt. So many things can prepare our kids for the time they will be without us, and will have to think and act and react on their own. Tenacity is another good trait for them to have. If you jump up everytime your child is having a problem putting a toy or puzzle together, they won't learn the tenacity they will later need.
I let my kids figure things out on their own, helping them as a last resort, although by allowing them to do it themselves, they usually got it on their own. That's tenacity. Strength of character is another big one. When my kids got hurt outside, and it wasn't a big cut, but it hurt, I would take care of it physically. But I wouldn't coddle my child to death because they got a hard knock in life, knowing they were going to go through many more. They had to learn how to control their emotions and pain and deal with the situation. All my kids are using those personality traits now. Tenacity and strength.
I always talked to them about my belief system, and let them know that it was My belief system, but they seem to have all adopted it. A belief and love in God, and a connection to positive and negative energy, and what that means. Staying close to God by talking to Him, knowing there are angels that protect us, and spirit guides from family and friends who have passed, and having a strong faith.
It isn't ever easy to start out on your own, but things are more expensive than they've ever been. My kids are working full time, paying rent, and for their car, gas, food, accessories, clothes, and insurance. It's scary. Their fear is only lightened by the lessons they learned, while never knowing they were learning. But I did. And now, they know it. I teach sometimes by example. One of my kids was sitting at the table, visiting, and I accidentally knocked a glass plate off the rack, and it shattered. I got a plastic bag, and started with the bigger pieces! They are a little quick tempered, so I said to them, "See, I in no way feel like cleaning this up, and I have had this plate for twenty five years, and I'm just picking it up." There was no answer, but I think they heard!
Now when they break something in their apartment, maybe they won't go ballistic. I try to teach my kids as much as I can to alleviate the same types of problems I had in my life until I finally got it, and saw that anger and anxiety don't have to play such a big role. Last year at this time, I was bringing bags of presents downstairs to put under the tree. I stopped at the top of the stairs, left them there, and went back in my room to get something. When I came back, I bent down, grabbed the handles, and pulled my head up quickly, right into the bottom of this humongous industrial sized fire extinguisher.
Now I know exactly what blinding pain means. I wanted to touch the top of my head, but yet I didn't. Finally, blood started coming down my forehead. I got my partner, and he put peroxide on it, and I let it heal. It needed stitches, but I wasn't going out. My mother taught me how to stay calm when I got hurt, and I have tried to pass that on to my kids, and still continue. E mail is wonderful. No answering back, but you can spill your guts, it's great. It was a lot of work, but my kids are showing me that all the hours I put in, were well worth it. They are good kids, and they know which actions are right, and which are wrong. A mother's job is never done, but i was able to get in all the basics so they could have an easier time in their own lives.
life is filled with ups and downs, i think it's good to have skills to deal with those hills and valleys.
