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Rabbi Harold Kushner, the author of When Bad Things Happen to Good People, wrote about his response to personal tragedy. His son Aaron had premature aging, and eventually died from this disease. The pain from the Rabbi's loss provoked a crisis of faith. Kushner wrote his book for those "who have been hurt by life," to assist them in finding a faith that provides reasonable answers to aid them in coping with their suffering. Kushner explores the random nature of life and how certain spiritual explanations for tragedy left him feeling empty.
Recently, I made a trip to visit a friend who has terminal cancer. This was no easy task. I knew that it would be our last visit. I struggled over the issue of what things I wanted to explore to make sure that the time we spent together was uplifting for both of us. I was apprehensive about "saying the right things," but as I drove to her house I kept reminding myself to "just let things be the way they are." It was a time of closure and healing for both of us.
All of us are confronted with times of suffering. It is an inevitable part of the human condition. We are abused by a partner, we lose a job, we are betrayed by bandits who rob our homes, we experience the death of loved ones and we struggle with serious illness. No reasons adequately explain our hurt and disappointment. We are left with our grief.
Often, family and friends make honest attempts to respond to our trauma, but they may make matters worse through insensitive comments. In the name of God, they may make comments that leave us feeling annoyed and misunderstood - the very thing we do not need. Here are some of the unhelpful comments that I am referring to:
God will never ask more of us than we can endure.
Try not to think about it.
God is trying to teach you a lesson.
Don't let it get you down.
Everything that happens in life happens for a purpose.
God has singled you out because he recognizes your strength.
Getting upset about it doesn't do any good.
If you are not healing from your affliction, you lack faith in God
Just remember, other people have it worse than you.
Trying to figure out why misfortune happens to us is fruitless. Some things appear to happen for no reason. As Kushner indicates, although there is ample evidence of God's handiwork among us, people are unable to accept random acts that occur within the universe. This leaves us feeling deprived of structure and security. I believe it's not our searching for the reason for affliction that's important, it is our reaction to. This is where our faith in God becomes important. When one is "down and out" here is what you can to say to people:
Tell me how you feel about what happened?
That must feel awful.
It's not your fault that this happened.
Tell me how I can help you?
Would you like to talk more about it?
I am sorry that happened to you.
I'll keep in touch more often.
I'll pray for you and your family.
I'll be there for you.
We need to learn to be more sensitive to those who are suffering. As a partner or friend, our role is not to fix matters, but to learn to become a good listener. We must listen without trying to provide reasons and explanations that are not helpful. As I said, we must "just be there and let things be the way they are."
James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. James has taught Master's level classes in counselor education through Chapman University of California. He specializes in working with patients who have depressive, anxiety and autistic spectrum disorders. James has written numerous articles on a variety of counseling-related topics, all available via Google searches. His first book, Stepping Out of the Bubble, is available at www.booklocker.com. James is in the process of completing his second book regarding adult illusions about their childhood experience.
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» left by Judi Lake(2,648) Judi Lake (341 days 2 hours ago.)
James, I too had "a last visit" this Christmas with a dear friend. The irony is is that she survived the world trade center attack in 2001 yet two weeks later was diagnosed with breast cancer and has literally been fighting for her life since. The cancer has spread everywhere and this Christmas found out she is diagnosed with spinal menegitas as well yet her attitude and faith are amazing. What I hear others suggest to her really amazes me as thought THEY are the authorities on suffering and have a main line to God -- I wasn't too good on the other hand, I broke down and cried before her... Thanks for a good article on a sensitive subject and Happy New Year! Respond to this comment
» left by James P Krehbiel(1,434) James P Krehbiel (341 days ago.)
Judi,
Thank you for reading my article. This is an important topic which needed exploration. On this site, I never know what to expect! Happy New Year! Respond to this comment
» left by susan thom from nj (340 days 5 hours ago.)
hi james,
i agree totally on your list of what to say.
those things did make me feel better when my mom passed away.
add this to the don'ts: this too shall pass. well, of course it's going to pass, tomorrow it will be passed, but i still hurt! i do know that each experience makes us stronger, and in that, there is comfort, once the pain subsides, for there is much to go through on our journeys.
beautifully written article.
best regards,
sue Respond to this comment
» left by James P Krehbiel(1,434) James P Krehbiel (340 days 4 hours ago.)
Susan,
I always enjoy your responses. I appreciate your support. I know how important that is and that is why I always try to comment on new writers who chose to write for this site, particularly those who present a "fresh, balanced perspective." Happy Holidays! Respond to this comment
» left by Samantha Chang(116) Samantha Chang (339 days 4 hours ago.)
Another excellent, insightful article. Thanks for the helpful information. I myself am horrible about dealing with people when they're going through difficult times; I never know what to say but your tips help, as usual. Happy New Year, Samantha Respond to this comment
» left by James P Krehbiel(1,434) James P Krehbiel (339 days 3 hours ago.)
Samantha,
Thank your for your response. It is not always easy to communicate with those who have suffered. Sometimes it may be best to say little or nothing. Just being present with positive energy is important. I truly respect your feedback because you are a great writer! Happy New Year! Respond to this comment
» left by Kathy Somers Walsh(1,266) Kathy Somers Walsh (332 days 3 hours ago.)
Hi, very interesting article, I agree with you all the way, except for one thing. #1 in your first list. I agree with that one. But everyone has their ideas. But all the other ones in the first list, I agree with you. And in your second list, I agree with you also with all of those to. I hope I haven't upset you about the comment I made about #1 in your first list. But it even says in the bible that God will never give us more than we can handle. Respond to this comment
» left by James P Krehbiel(1,434) James P Krehbiel (332 days 1 hour ago.)
I respect and appreciate all comments. My point is that from a practical perspective, I believe that many people would find that comment not helpful in their time of need. Respond to this comment
» left by Michael Kocis from Prescott, Az (315 days 11 hours ago.)
Interesting topic, not one many people would tackle. I can't say I agree with your lists, however "what to say"would depend greatly on the people involved.
I am a bit surprised your second list didn't include "Are you scared?" I had the pleasure of seeing my Mother one final time when it became known she was going to die soon and everyone there was.....well, different.
You could feel it, like they were all searching for, "How should I act, what should I say or not say?" Yes it's a "weird" time but why would you want to be different than how you've always been?
When I did spend some alone time with her I just asked her "You scared?" I think it made us both feel kinda good when she smiled and said "Nope! not really." and if she'd said "Yes!" then we could have talked about that. Then again perhaps it does come down to the people involved. Good topic though. Respond to this comment
Hi James, I missed this before. It's excellent, thanks for sharing it.
I've never been in your shoes of having to make a last visit so don't know how I would react but I hope I'd say something kind and comforting rather than thoughtless although that would be unintentional. I'd be afraid I'd say something dumb through nervousness.
I'd like to think I'd remember the person was still my friend/loved one, not suddenly seeing the disease first and the person second. Does that make sense? Hope so.
I'm sure your friendship was a real blessing to them, James. You're a good man with a good heart, a rare combination indeed. :)
The friend I visited was my ex-wife, the mother of my children. She died July 29th, three days after my mother died. Needless to say, it's been a difficult month. Thanks for your comments. If you focus on the person, you can never say the wrong thing. Be well.
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