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Home » Categories » Home Life » Family » Relationship Advice: a Simple Mindset That Can Transform Your Relationship » Reprint Rights » Printer Friendly
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In my work with couples over the years, I've learned that it's just as important to take note of what's working in a relationship than what isn't. And, although people have different ways of naming it, what many successful couples share in common is the ability to take perspective.
The ability to take perspective is vital to your relationship. Let's look at some of the ways taking perspective works:
The big-picture mindset
When your relationship hits a lull or rough patch, you become nearsighted. You see all the problems that are close at hand clearly while the other parts of your relationship (which might include a loving history and numerous strengths) becomes blurred. For many couples this can lead to serious problems since their relationship begins to feel broken and hopeless.
If you hold a big-picture mindset, you're able to experience the trials and tribulations that all couples go through without drowning in them. This is because you're able to hold onto the other, positive facets of your relationship while you're dealing with the stressful events. This larger perspective allows you to be upset with your partner in the moment while feeling secure about the relationship.
The awareness of life's transitory nature
When you've encountered pain in your life, you may have heard or recalled the oft-repeated phrase, "This, too shall pass." For many, the mindset that all experiences -- even difficult ones -- have a beginning and an end provides comfort. If you and your partner adopt this approach, you'll be better equipped to weather the stormy periods every relationship experiences, because you'll hold onto the hope that in time the tides will shift in your favor.
This is a powerful form of perspective-taking. It places all events on a timeline. Have you ever noticed how something can feel so enormous one day yet almost insignificant a few days later? You can use the perspective of "This too shall pass" by asking yourself the following question:
How important is this issue to me today? How important will it a month from now? A year from now?
Answering these questions will help you build greater perspective in your relationship. Note that using this kind of perspective should never become an excuse for not working on issues that are important to you and your partner. This isn't about developing a laissez faire attitude. Rather, it's to help you place events in a perspective that will allow you to work on issues in a level-headed manner.
Stepping in your partner's shoes
Your viewpoint is one reality and your partner's is another. At times these viewpoints will overlap (and your relationship will feel harmonious), while at other times they will be quite different (causing tension between you and your partner). When differences exist, it's reflexive to defend your own position and see your partner as wrong or unsympathetic. Since your partner is probably feeling the same way about you, this is a lose-lose situation for your relationship. In these moments couples often become deeply entrenched in their conflicting positions and wage a futile battle.
What do you think would happen if you were to temporarily shelve your well-defended opinions and attempt to see the world through your partner's eyes? Such a flexible and empathic stance will allow you and your partner to feel connected even while disagreeing with one another. Taking your partner's perspective (even when you might not agree with him or her) is a surefire way to keep your relationship strong and healthy. I realize this is easier said than done and, once emotions escalate, nearly impossible.
A good rule of thumb is to practice taking your partner's perspective (while s/he practices taking yours), before things get too heated. You'll avoid many unnecessary fights and feel closer to each other this way.
Learning to take perspective is just one way to create a stronger relationship. To discover others, visit www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com and sign up for Dr. Nicastro's FREE monthly newsletter. As a bonus, you'll receive two FREE reports that you can begin using immediately with your partner.
Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. is a psychologist and relationship coach who is passionate about helping couples protect the sanctuary of their relationship. Rich and his wife Lucia founded LifeTalk Coaching, an internet-based coaching business that helps couples strengthen their relationships.
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Dr. Richard Nicastro is co-owner of LifeTalk
Coaching, an internet coaching business that works with individuals and
couples to help them improve the quality of their most valued
asset--their relationship. Clients can choose from several extensive
programs for couples, according to their needs and goals. Rich also
conducts workshops for couples on a wide range of relationship and
marital issues. Recent workshops have included: Communication Skills,
Keeping Intimacy Alive, Turning Conflicts into Opportunities, and Men
and Intimacy.
Rich is a relationship and intimacy coach with fifteen years of experience helping couples build stronger relationships.
He has supervised therapists and has taught at several universities.
Visit www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com to learn more about Dr. Nicastro and LifeTalk Coaching.
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