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Recently, I've had several friends (women) who have called to tell me they've gotten 'involved' outside their current relationships. In other words, they're having 'affairs'. While I'm the last person in the world who'd make any sort of 'judgements' about any of this, I am the sort of person who wonders about such things. (most likely because I've done it too...long, long ago, when I didn't have a stitch of 'self-awareness'.) Why do women have affairs rather than just ending the relationships they're unhappy in? Why would you put yourself in the position of having to tell tall tales every day (and then have to remember them!) instead of just facing the truth and moving on? But more importantly, why have an 'affair' when you could simply set yourself free and do whatever the hell you want without remorse, guilt or admonition?
I suppose there are some women, and men for that matter, who think that so long as no one finds out, there's no harm done. If they just keep it under wraps, they'll get to have their pleasure and their spouse or partner or whatever will be no worse for their so-called 'indescretions'. And this may in fact be true...on the surface. But the thing that some don't consider is that even if NO ONE ever found out, YOU still know what you're doing or have done. You still have to live with the fact that you've betrayed someone's trust and there's nothing you can do to change that fact. Even those who think, 'Well, I'll just confess and we'll move on" are approaching their penance from a very selfish and destructive perspective. Because confessions are only healing to those who've commited the 'crime'. Confessions are often times devastating to the person who has to hear them. Destroying trust to make yourself feel better is the furthest thing from love. Why would you hurt someone you love just so you can make yourself feel better? It's just plain ugly.
One of these friends, we'll call her Teresa (of course I'm not going to expose her!) has been in her relationship for the better part of 8 years. Neither she nor her 'man' believe in marriage (in conventional terms) so they've set up house and even raised his son together. She never had any intention of being a mom, never wanted children of her own, yet she welcomed this boy into their home when her man asked, simply because she loved him enough. Or so she thought. To be fair, I think she did love him that much, back then. But over the course of the time since, she's come to some pretty major realizations about herself and has had a huge change of heart. She's come to see that she has always been the kind of person who gives and gives and gives, never asking for anything in return (and , subsequently,never getting anything in return). A sort of modern-day-martyr. Now that she's seen what she's done her whole life and how much she hates that martyr moniker, she's begun to make some pretty major changes in herself and in the way she allows (or not) people to treat her.
To be sure, all those people who've taken advantage of her for all these years are a bit stunned. They're calling her 'selfish' and 'mean' and all sorts of other things because she's cut them off from her generous heart. I've seen this past behaviour in action for many years (I've known her for more than 25!) and it is, to me, a beautiful thing to behold: her 'coming into her own' and creating a more self-satisfying life for herself. She deserves it. She's a splendid woman and she deserves to be treated like a queen! Which is why it's so puzzling to me to watch, from my vantage point, now that she's having this 'affair'. Because from where I sit, the man she's living with has overstayed his welcome and it seems a much easier (and honorable) thing to just cut him loose and get on with her life.
Let's forget the 'honorable' part for a moment. Let's just have a look at what she's now creating to compensate for what she's previously created. By living this lie, having the 'affair', and keeping the man she's living with in the dark (so to speak), she believes she's not hurting him. She believes that by not telling him she's done with this relationship, she's keeping him from the heartache. But is lying to him not hurting him? And worse, is it also not hurting her?
When we deny our truths to ourselves, we hurt ourselves more than anyone else. We load layer upon layer of heavy burden (lies) on our own shoulders and carry them around all day, every day. We shroud our light with the darkness of our untruths and keep ourselves from LIVING in our own skin. Ultimately, we make a big, fat mess that ,eventually, must be cleaned up before we can move on. So, in essence, for every lie we tell, we move further from our own truth. This is the worst piece of the nasty little puzzle. In the end, the person who is hurt the most is US. So why do we do this?
I'm not going to tell you I've never told a lie. I've been on both sides of this particular 'coin' and both sides were awful. As much as I hated being 'cheated on', I hated being the 'cheater' just as much. Even when I was in the arms of this 'other man', there was that sense of betrayal that spoiled the moment. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I did it anyway. In the end, I saw how much easier it would have been to just end the former relationship first. It would have saved a lot of people a lot of pain. Most of all, me. Because when it was all said and done, the man I left didn't care. And the man I left him for didn't trust me because of the betrayal of the man I left I ended up without either of them and saw quite clearly who had created that mess. I didn't have to learn that lesson again. Once was enough.
That was a very long time ago and now, sitting from this seat of retrospection, I see what's coming in my friend's future. I see the pain she is about to experience as she's making her way to the courage she thinks she lacks. I see the pain in her man's eyes as he clings to her for dear life, knowing in his gut that she's already gone, but too co-dependant to let go. And I see this new man, who now lavishes her with all she really does deserve, ultimately walking away because he was the man she 'cheated' with. I don't offer any 'advice' to her. I listen when she calls and I offer up alternate perspectives when she asks for them. But I know that no one can teach her this lesson. She's going to have to learn it on her own and deal with the consequences as they present themselves.
Maybe she'll get lucky. Maybe this new man will stay because he knows what she's gone through and loves her in spite of it. Maybe he really is secure enough in himself to overlook the 'affair' part and accept her in her new truth. But it would seem to me that until she LIVES her truth, there is no way she will be able to experience the love that she so dearly deserves. Because living a lie is denying our own self-love. And, as the saying goes, you cannot truly love another until you love your Self.
Camille Olivia Strate is an author, empowerment coach and critter keeper in search of the perfect pasture. Among her many passions is assisting people in returning to their 'true selves' by way of empowerment coaching. She believes strongly in 'paying it forward' and lives by 'do what you love and the money will follow'. Her latest book, "Whispers" is now available in eBook format. Hardcopy to follow soon! Visit her personal site at http://www.joyzachoice.com |
