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Death is a very strange concept. Many people fear death. Many more fear being left behind, watching their loved ones pass on. Still others stay in denial about it. They refuse to acknowledge such a transition (ever met a teenager? The living epitome of 'immortals'!) But, no matter what, the fact remains that we are born, we live, and we die. All of us. Somehow, though, I've never understood how it could be so finite. I mean, if we are Energy (which we surely are) and Energy never dissipates, then how is it that we can die?
Because we are creatures who rely strongly on what we see, we think that if we can't 'see' something, it must not be there. This couldn't be further than the truth. Do you 'see' electricity? Do you 'see' gravity? Do you 'see' God? Mostly, no. But does it mean those things aren't 'there'? No it doesn't. It just means that we believe what we believe and therefore it must 'be'. I think that death is kind of like that. I think that just because someone leaves their physical form does not mean that they're not still 'alive'. Is this my way of 'dealing' with death? Perhaps. Or perhaps it is a remembering of sorts. Perhaps I am remembering that before I took physical form, I was also not 'seen' by human eyes. Perhaps I KNOW that even though my beloved child has gone elsewhere, she remains here too. Still loving me, still talking with me, still teaching me.
The reason I am compelled to write this now is that a week ago, when she left this planet, I thought I would die. I really thought, or rather, FELT, that I would NOT be able to go on without her. I couldn't eat or sleep or stop crying. Every single thought was of her...or better put, her absence. It felt like someone had ripped my heart out of my chest. 'Agony' doesn't even come close to how I felt. It was a pain so immense, I had no 'thoughts'. I was just a mass of incredible sadness.
However, I am a very blessed woman. I have a great many people who love me well and they all showed up to help me through. They provided love and silence, allowing me the time and space to do what I needed to continue to breathe. They didn't say things like, "in time you will heal" or "she's in a better place" or any of the other stuff people are known to say, simply because they don't know what else to say. I mean, what DO you say to someone who's lost a child? It's impossible.
But then, something began to happen, even without my knowing it was. Little by little, I began to breathe again. I began to eat little tidbits of food and even laugh out loud. I began to remember things we'd done, seeing them like little movies playing in my head, and smiling while I relived those precious moments. I even began to talk to her without feeling as if I was losing my mind. Why shouldn't I talk to her? She's here, isn't she? Her spirit can be wherever it wants and I'm certain that she'll stay with me until I no longer need her to. She loves me....not in the past tense but in the present. Love is not something that stops. It is forever and ever, just as our spirits are.
In that moment when I realized that I was going to 'make it', that I would continue to breathe and laugh and sleep, I became fully aware of just how resilient our spirits are. The fact that I can say this now without sobbing again is proof that the Human Spirit is not only resilient, it is utterly destined to continually expand. It is what we are ~ little pieces of a larger whole, expanding and growing and loving on and on. We don't 'lose' them. We merely experience them in a different way, just as we did before they (and we) arrived here. My beautiful girl is deeply missed, deeply loved and ever present in my world. And while I still cry and I still miss her and I still want her here, I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that we shall 'see' each other again. Until that time, I shall carry her with me everywhere I go and count myself blessed for having known her. I'm grateful for the 12 years she was here with me, and even more grateful knowing that my own Spirit is resilient enough to hold that love until we meet again.
Camille Olivia Strate is an author, empowerment coach and critter keeper in search of the perfect pasture. Among her many passions is assisting people in returning to their 'true selves' by way of empowerment coaching. She believes strongly in 'paying it forward' and lives by 'do what you love and the money will follow'. Her latest book, "Whispers" is now available in eBook format. Hardcopy to follow soon! Visit her personal site at http://www.joyzachoice.com |
