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One of the most painful things about a break-up is remembering all the wonderful things your ex said about you. They said you were the most wonderful person they'd ever met and he/she was lucky to have you. And when they said it, it was so very real and you knew they meant it from their heart, but when they broke up with you, all those words seemed to suddenly not mean anything to them. It's like they had a memory loss or something.
If your ex really meant it when he or she said all those things then why did he or she hurt you?
People have different reasons why they leave everything, even if it's what they want and walk away.
Over the years working with so many people from different cultures, backgrounds and ages, there is one thing that is common to all of us human beings and that is that people fall in love for many reasons including with someone who is smart, beautiful, nice, caring, rich, charismatic, successful, good friend etc. but that is NOT what makes them want to have a relationship or stay in one. People have relationships because of how THEY FEEL ABOUT THEMSELVES WHEN WITH ANOTHER PERSON. It's kind of a "selfish" way of looking at love, but there is no way of escaping from the truth.
You may do all the ‘right" things -- loving, romantic, sexy, supportive etc but ultimately if the person does not feel good about himself or herself (for whatever reason) when with you, none of those things matter. He or she will like you alright (after all you are smart, nice, funny, caring, supportive etc) but he or she will not want a relationship with you because he or she doesn't like the relationship he or she has with himself or herself when with you.
And as you may have heard we are a mirror of who we attract -- the good and the bad. The good things your ex sees in you are the good parts of him or her he or she probably does or doesn't openly acknowledge. He or she sees that part of him or her and is attracted to it -- in you. But there is also the other part of himself or herself in you (usually sub-conscious) that he or she does not "see" but is energetically drawn to.
Say your ex has a part of him or her that is programmed to "hurt" others. He or she may be consciously or sub-consciously aware of that part of himself or herself and doesn't like it but since the sub-conscious is so strong and automatic he or she is drawn to someone he or she can hurt so that he or she is forced to look at the mirror of himself or herself - and hopefully heal that part of himself or herself.
When he or she looks at you he or she sees the parts of himself or herself that he or she doesn't like. And often times people will lash at the mirror to try and destroy the image of themselves they see, the only problem is that that mirror is a human being with feelings which get hurt.
Does that mean it's all his or her "issues'? Absolutely not!
It's a dance of two "sick" people. In your mind you want to be there for him or her, to support him or her, to see him or her happy and if possible, to share his or her life but the very things you say and do that you think will draw the tow of you closer are things that "turn off" you ex and make him or her feel they don't want a relationship with you. You think you are bring "loving" but it comes across to your ex as "you wanting to be hurt" -- needy, desperate, weak, pathetic, emotionally unhealthy, creepy. etc
Initially your energy is very attractive to the "hurter" who is sub-consciously drawn to someone who they can hurt and you the person who wants to be "hurt" is drawn to the person who will hurt you --may be enough to jolt you into consciousness. You may even already know that it's emotionally unhealthy to be attracted to and even want someone who hurts you and that you should be really concerned about this self-destructive pattern but you can't help yourself because you have an addiction to "hurt". Instead of "hurting yourself" (alcohol, drugs, self-cutting, food, sex etc), you gravitate someone who'll do the "hurting" for you. That way you do not take responsibility for yourself. It's your ESCAPE from reality.
You can change the rhythm of the dance by changing your own energy to no longer compliment your ex's energy in a negative way but in a positive way. You do not accomplish this by hitting your head on the wall "why? Why? Why? or acting all crazy -- overly emotional, pushy, unrelenting, needy, jealous, possessive. Dwelling on negative events and turning them over and over, saying, 'I messed up, I messed up,' is feeding those negative feelings the oxygen of attention and the flames keep burning you until you stop supplying the oxygen.
Changing your own energy is the single most attractive and most powerful get-your-ex-back quality for the simple reason that you can't change someone else and you can't make someone love you but you can make yourself so lovable that you are totally irresistible. And since love works on an energetic and sub-conscious level your ex may not even be able to put his or her finger on what is "so new and different" about you, but he or she will feel the strong pull of love in real time.
If you resonate with what I have written here and are serious about getting back your ex, you might want to check out my e-Book: Dating Your Ex - What You Can Do Tonight, Tomorrow And The Next Day To Get Your Ex Back
About Author: Internationally renowned Dating & Relationships Coach, Christine Akiteng has devoted years of her life re-uniting couples and has seen over and over again first hand what works. She has woven together solid-gold advice on just about every stage of getting back together with your ex to help you make the process less scary and shaky and more exciting and smooth as possible.
Christine's main website: http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com
e-Book: http://www.datingyourex.com
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