How do you know you're in love? – You feel sick
Ok well that's not all you feel but it's part of it.
I fell in love properly for the first time when I was 19yrs old. I was taken aback by how utterly miserable it made me feel. I didn't feel miserable all the time, just every time we were apart. This feeling didn't last, as being ‘in' love is a seemingly temporary state but it lasted long enough. Every time I have been in love since it has been the same.
When you are first dating, feeling miserable comes from wondering if they'll call, if they'll turn up for the date. But as time goes by and you are confident of those things, then the feeling comes from wondering what life will be like if they die suddenly or any scenario that may take them away from you.
So what causes this feeling, is it perhaps to do with separation anxiety? Most new mums will relate to that feeling. A deep unpleasant feeling about being separated from their baby/children.
In nature, our feelings are generally shaped by our survival needs. So perhaps it is the case that separation anxiety when associated with being ‘in love' is nature's way of telling us that we are supposed to be united, together and not apart. After all in the wild, if a species who are mated become separated, the survival of the family unit is at risk. Who will guard the brood while the lone parent hunts?
Children who were raised in a state of separation from their parents for whatever reason, may find themselves as adults avoiding any situation that may initiate that feeling of separation anxiety. Being in love might thus be something to avoid and they may instead seek to be in lasting relationships with those they may not have a genuinely deep affection for. While that may seem very unsatisfactory for some, for those it may feel safer. If they don't love the person deeply, they don't need to experience the separation anxiety that dogged their childhood. They don't need to experience the grief of ‘loss' if that person disappears.
Avoidance of things which cause pain may seem adequate, but with pain (as the cliché goes) comes pleasure. Being in love isn't just about being miserable, it is also about being supremely happy. Feelings of separation anxiety are overshadowed by feelings of great joy, warmth and comfort. If you are someone who has given up on love in favour of freedom from pain, consider what else you have given up. Allow yourself to be happy, allow yourself to love freely and be loved. Most of all love yourself.
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