I was watching my six and nine year old daughters playing the other morning when suddenly there was a barrage of I Hate You and I Don't Like You Anymore statements flying about the room. Of course, it was just a moment of disagreement in child play, but the thoughts and feelings were real enough to them at that moment. There were the complaints that turned into whines and finally the visit to our feet as one or the other pleaded their case and asked us to intervene on their behalf.
Fifteen minutes later they were mindlessly lost in a new layer of exciting activity and fun play. The things they had said and thought in the heat of the moment were a long lost memory as were most of the things they had been asked to do by their mother and me.
Children can be an excellent example of pure human nature. A human nature that most of us will carry into adulthood to one degree of another. We disagree, argue and find fault with others that don't hold to our personal views and beliefs. We exclaim how much we dislike that person even to the extreme of hatred and hold a grudge, sometimes for years. Our emotions and feelings surface and spill out all over the personal relationships that define the patterns of our lives.
However, even in times of war it is not the person we dislike, but rather it is their actions. What others believe and think has little impact on your life until they make the decision to exclaim those points or act. You disagree with the action, result and intent not the actual human being behind the scenes. There are two factors involved:
You take the offending action, result or intent personally.
You intentionally make your response or reaction personal in nature.
Even in children we want to quell this pattern if possible because it slowly programs the child to take things that happen personally and to respond or react to others by holding them personally responsible for everything that happens. Most of what happens to you especially when interacting with others in not personal in nature.
In the mind of a child it's not personal, it just feels that way. They follow patterns and make decisions to do things simply because they feel like it or want to which is the very same motivation of many adults rather than careful consideration, reasoning and decision. Children respond and react personally because have elevated Human Conditions that have not yet been tempered by education and experience. Maturation is that tempering process.
Adults who carry elevated levels of specific Human Conditions with them respond in much the same way as children. They complain and whine for a while and that eventually decays into them seeking out someone to hear their cause and come to their support. Just like children.
It's fine to disagree with the thoughts, views and beliefs of another, but not to hate the person behind those thoughts and beliefs. There have been many times in my life when I was in the company of someone with views, beliefs and actions that I vehemently disliked, but later found that the person was a genuine friend and wonderful person. They still held to their beliefs and views, but that was not the person inside. Whenever you disagree with someone take a moment to:
Consider the true person behind the disagreement not just the thoughts and words.
Consider if you are going too far in denigrating the person instead of the words and actions.
Consider if you are taking the matter too personally by not comprehending the true or actual intent.
My daughters have the luxury of that blissful child forgetfulness. Shortly after their heated exchange all was forgotten and peace, understanding and happiness again ruled the living room. When we mature into adults care must be taken not to follow these childlike patterns. It is often a much longer drawn out and serious situation when adults are involved and things become too personal.
Don't blame or attack the person, resolve your concerns with the thought, view, belief or action.
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» left by James P Krehbiel(1,443) James P Krehbiel (288 days 4 hours ago.)
A.J.,
Excellent article. Part of what you are talking about is what my new book will address - the process of changing childhood interpretations during adulthood so that adult behavior is more adaptive. Thanks. Respond to this comment
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