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As a woman who believes strongly in paying it forward, it's recently come to my attention that there are a vast number of people who have no idea what that means. People are always 'keeping score'. And then they wonder why things aren't turning out well. When listening to many of my clients first-time confessions, I hear them say things like, "I don't understand why no one ever helps me. I'm ALWAYS doing things for other people, but when I need help they're no where to be found. It's just not fair!". This, in my estimation, is the epitome of a victim mentality. It's the whole "woe is me" perspective that keeps those folks from seeing their truths. And it's a mighty touchy road to get them past this place to a more obejctive vantage point. In other words, it's my job to help them see where they're standing without making them defend their stance. Not an easy task, but one that must be accomplished if I am to help them achieve what they came to me for.
One such case really hit this point home for me. I was meeting with this woman for the first time, having already spoken with her on the phone and hearing her 'story'. When I arrived at the designated coffee house to have our first face-to-face, it was immediately obvious to me how utterly victimized she saw herself. And even though she lived a fairly 'privileged' existence, never having to work or worry over money, she still couldn't see past her skewed vision of her life. In fact, she really didn't see any of the blessings that were abundant in her world. She was a very lovely woman, dressed in fine designer clothes, driving a BMW, living in an affluent community on the coast of San Diego. Her husband appeared to adore her and her children had all made good lives for themselves. She had her health, her family and a world of opportunity at her feet. Still, she found no joy in her life and was , as she put it, 'at the end of my rope'.
I'd asked her earlier during our phone chat why she felt she needed my help. I find it an essential question (and answer) when determining whether or not to take someone on as a client. That's not to say that I avoid the 'hard cases'. On the contrary. I simply need to know why they think I CAN help them and why they're looking for help in the first place. Their 'why' is the most important aspect of their ability to move forward. It's really that simple. If someone tells me they're thinking about killing themselves or taking some other drastic measure, my first suggestion is for them to seek medical attention. I'm no doctor. What I am is a woman who's lived a long and (mostly) happy life and has the gift of energy. I love helping people but I'm certainly not delusional about my abilities. I know what I'm capable of, but I also know when something is out of my arena
So, having heard her initial story and then meeting her on this lovely winter's day, I listened as she went on about her life. She shared a lot of very personal information as well as her lifelong despair at the tragedy of her world. It was not a new story. I've heard many stories akin to hers and all usually resulted in the same end: these people just couldn't get past what had happened years and years ago. They were slaves in bondage to their memories and had no idea how to unlock the shackles and just get on with it. Sound familiar?
After listening to her for nearly an hour, I finally asked her this simple question, "what do you suppose I can do to help you with your dilemma?" She gave me the same look I'm sure many psychiatrists get, and then said, 'I was told that you bring light to otherwise very dark worlds. I want to know how to do that. I want to see my own light. I want to live with passion and purpose. I want to be HAPPY.' Ahhhh. There it is. I WANT TO BE HAPPY. It is, without question, the number one reason why people call me for help. Who doesn't want to be happy?
Here's the thing ~ as soon as someone says this to me, the very next thing I ask is 'what will it take for you to be happy? Can you paint me a picture of what that looks like?' And in nearly every case, they can't tell me what it looks like. They have absolutely no idea what they want or what they think is going to make them happy. All they know is they aren't. And, for whatever reason, they think I'm the one who's going to magically show them the way. That is not how it works!
Living the life we dream of requires first that we have a dream. We must sort through our 'junk' and find our treasures. What is it that we value most? We must be able to clearly define what it is that brings us joy. And I'm willing to bet that there's not a soul on earth who hasn't experieinced that feeling (joy) at least once in their life. Even people who grow up impoverished and/or abused have had at least one moment of pure joy. And it is my firm belief that it is that one moment that keeps us from jumping off the nearest high rise. We remember that feeling and we want it back. So, we go through our lives searching for it. And the more we search, the further away it gets. It's is the process of TRYING that keeps the joy at bay. Because in the end, there is no need to TRY. There is only the feeling, and that doesn't come without a certain amount of surrender. In short, when we KNOW that joy is our birthright and things are not the key, the rest is really very easy. Accepting this truth is the first step in LIVING our joy. Everything after that is much like baking the perfect pie. It's all about the recipe.
Think on this for a while....more to come in the next entry (doing this in 'parts' provides a little respite for your brain to digest and my brain to impart without overload!)
Camille Olivia Strate is an author and coach, as well as an entrepreneurial spirit who loves to 'scatter joy'. She lives in the foothills of Southern California with her critters, ever on the lookout for that 'perfect pasture'. Her coaching services provide meaning and fulfillment, while her writing allows her to share the lessons she's learned along the way, in hopes of inspiring folks to reach for their own true path. For more information or to contact Camille, visit her personal site at www.joyzachoice.com. You may also visit her Blog at www.joyizachoice.blogger.com.
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