In the wildly popular book Freakonomics, authors Steven Levitt and Stephen Dubner make the case that there are often hidden reasons for various phenomena in life, often going way beyond "conventional wisdom", defined as the most convenient logical assumption.
That is to say, cause and effect aren't always as obvious as they appear.
Having given this premise some thought, I believe that as guys it's not only theoretically possible--but altogether probable--that when we begin to improve our success with women we could completely miss exactly what the root cause of that newfound success really was.
Let's face it. What red-blooded guy among us doesn't have the inherent need to pull the machine apart and figure out what makes it work?
The primary problem with defining what it is that is helping us get better with MOTOS is that very few if any of us make changes one at a time.
Typically, we'll make the decision to do something about a history of mediocrity with women and start "field testing" all sorts of stuff rapid-fire. As a result, we are left with lots of variables.
It's kind of like this.
One of the necessary tasks when you are a guy like me who is passionate about increasing dating success for people everywhere on a global scale is having a Web site that delivers the message you want as effectively as possible.
Most of you who know me by now can easily figure out that I am a dating coach first rather than an Internet marketing guy. That's probably a good thing, except that I'm still left with the task at hand, huh?
So I've studied up and gotten some input from very key "Web marketing" types.
In the process, and much to my chagrin, I've learned that certain things like giant headlines in red, "Tahoma" font cause people to keep reading.
Further, things like annoying, unblockable popups cause people to find free bonus episodes of "X & Y On The Fly" on one's websites tons better than even a screaming yellow banner at the top of the page. Crazy.
But also, there are certain aspects of what "works" on web pages that confound even the seasoned pros. The answer? Test, test and test again.
There's one caveat: Test only ONE THING AT A TIME, or else you'll simply never be able to figure out what exactly worked.
Indeed, like the principles of Freakonomics, the pitfalls of testing more than one change at a time are even more complicated than they seem at first glance
Quite possibly, if you test several things at once and see good results, you may in fact be seeing super-sized results from one change you made-while the others may have in fact had a detrimental effect.
But seeing a net positive result overall, you assume all the changes were the right ones.
Holy fright, dude... What if applying what we learn about getting better with women is like that?
One of my guilty pleasures is getting Emily to listen to various interviews, podcasts, etc. with guys on how to get better with women-just to get her unsolicited response. I typically play one or two for her on road trips or hand her my iPod on flights just to see what happens.
Recently, I played an audio from a guy who talked of having a life of pure frustration with womenuntil the day he was finally fed up enough and decided to make wholesale changes.
He had been utterly terrified of women for years, and automatically assumed none would ever like him as a defense mechanism from having to approach any of them.
After years of self-rejection (which we've talked about around here as perhaps the most painful form), he pledged to put aside all trepidation and start talking to women and asking for phone numbers REGARDLESS of the outcome.
In his mind, nothing could be worse than status quo. And to get himself ready for this new direction, he proceeded to change his style accordingly.
He bought t-shirts with decidedly sexual sayings on them. He got himself a rhinestone-encrusted belt buckle with a scrolling LED message on it.
On top of all else, he enacted a policy of talking about sex with women as soon and as often as possibleevery time.
All of these sweeping changes were made immediatelyand therefore simultaneously.
And guess what? He started meeting women. And having sex. A lot.
In describing his success and making recommendations to Average Frustrated Chumps everywhere, he wholeheartedly recommended that guys do what he did.
He told the listening audience that women "rolled their eyes" at some of his actions and attire, but it was all a frontthey obviously really loved it all.
Out of nowhere, as the whole audio program was truly warming up to a crescendo, Emily blurted out, "Wait! Pause it for a second."
In the suddenly resulting quiet, she looked at me incredulously and finally gathered the words, "This could have been a thirty second program."
After another pause, she elaborated.
"It was the confidence. Purely. The peacocking', the blatant propositionsthat's NOT why he's succeeding. Women are just putting up with that because his confidence is irresistible. I mean, he said himself that women roll their eyes' at him. People just don't roll their eyes' when they are attracted to someone."
Then the clincher. "I wonder what kind of women he's getting this way. Are they actually the women he wants?"
With that I resumed the audio. The very next portion of it flat-out creeped me out. The guy had been hanging out mostly with strippers and other "professionals". Yet, he claimed he was pretty sure he could get any other kind of woman he wanted-he just hadn't gotten around to that yet.
Let me tell you, that was all collectively a real eye opener.
And then it hit me.
Can we actually begin to succeed with women DESPITE OURSELVES?
The guy in the audio program was definitely pleased with how he was doing these days with women compared to how things had gone in years past.
I wondered how much greater success was out there for him were he able to get a handle on how the various components of his makeover had actually worked in his favoror not.
But the problem is that unlike with something concrete like a web page, it's all but impossible to apply what we learn "one step at a time" when we're talking about something as entirely subjective as "getting better with women".
So how do we get a handle on whether the various things we do are helpingor the opposite?
Fortunately, I don't think it's impossible to sort out. Accordingly, here are some concrete ways to assess your overall scenario in this regard:
1) What is the REACTION of women to what you are doing? As much as you've heard about how women test us and hold their cards close, don't fool yourself into believing that consistent negative reactions are somehow "code" for positive results.
2) Is what you are doing designed to attract the women you actually WANT? Are you using pickup strategies designed for bars and clubs to meet women at, say, church? Or vice-versa?
3) Are your strategies congruent with who you are as a man? Does what you do feel natural, if not yet comfortable? Do you feel you are sacrificing integrity or even IDENTITY in a quest to get better with women?
4) Are your results consistent and transferable, or are you only succeeding in certain circumstances and/or only with a certain type of woman that may not fit your ideal?
5) Similarly to #4 above, do you know the changes you've made to be generally applicable to attracting women or are they only useful for attracting a "niche" among women (e.g. Masculinity and confidence are pretty much universal. Getting a cool tattoo is attractive to some women, but not all.)
6) What is the input of people you trust? Look for patterns in what they are telling you. The best indicators you receive will be both subtle and unsolicited.
Improving one's skills with women is importantarguably the most important undertaking of your life.
After all, even your very spirituality can be strengthened or shaken based on the quality and compatibility of the women in your life.
So then, you've got to make the commitment to getting your skills with women handled so you can begin to enjoy what every deserving man should: the companionship and adoration of great women.
