Wikipedia, I Must Make It!

       I’ve got to have it!

       I must be featured in Wikipedia, the huge, multilingual, free content encyclopedia of the web.

       Everybody who’s anybody of note be they alive or dead is featured here. I read their biographies. Why aren’t I among them?

       I’ve been slaving away writing brilliant copy as a seer and soothsayer and a clairvoyant who successfully predicted the outcome of both the Iraq War and Hurricane Katrina before they happened. I mean, c’mon!

       Even Lovey Howell (Natalie Schafer) from the Gilligan’s Island TV Show made it into Wikipedia. So did Robert Newton. Nobody’s ever heard of Robert Newton except me.

       For that reason alone Wikipedia should do a piece on me.

       You don’t know who he (Newton) is, or was rather? He was an alcoholic English character actor who played the part of the pirate Long John Silver in the 1950s Disney movie Treasure Island. His portrayal of the patch-eyed pirate, where he said “arrghh arrghh matey," became the classic way a pirate is supposed to talk. That single portrayal etched itself into the public consciousness.

       Today, when people want to talk jokingly like a pirate at their annual Christmas office party, they do the “arrgh arrgh," mimicking Robert Newton.

       Poor Robert died from booze. He is forgotten by everyone except me and Wikipedia.

       I demand Wikipedia do a story on me. I’ve earned it. I know who Robert Newton is.

       Remember the 1972 song, The Cover of the Rolling Stone, where Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show sang that all they wanted in life was a cover story on their group in the rock and roll Rolling Stone Magazine (I'll send a copy to my mother)? That’s what I want from Wikipedia.

       I mean this is unfair. It’s like the Hollywood Walk of Fame where ZaSu Pitts had a star, a B-grade actress who played dried up spinsters in secondary parts.

       But The Three Stooges, who would be instantly recognized in the African country of Zaire, didn’t have a star. The Stooges finally got theirs in 1983 after they were all dead.

       Come to think of it, ZaSu Pitts is featured in Wikipedia. But not me, huh. Okay! I can wait until you Wikipedia guys come to your senses. But I’m not waiting until I’m dead like The Stooges.

       I’ve already got a toe in. Wikipedia mentioned me after I did an interview with Clint Eastwood. But that piece was about Eastwood, a mere cowboy actor with no talent who whispers his words and squints his eyes trying to put on an act like he’s a tough guy.

       I mean I’m really brilliant. I deserve it. I told all of you Bush was going to be a disaster, but would you listen?

       There are very few geniuses around, Rasputin,

Einstein, Socrates (they’re all dead, and featured in Wikipedia).

       And then there’s me.

       I will overlook this horrendous oversight if the folks at Wikipedia will show me the same consideration they did to ZaSu Pitts and feature me in their pages.

       Such is the fickle nature of fame.

       Okay Wikipedia. Just go ahead and continue to ignore me when you wrote about Doodles Weaver.