Best list of popular Irish Jokes, One Liners, Knock Knock Jokes.. for St. Patrick's Day!

Ok so I made that up. But you have to hand it to the Irish, those boys know how to have fun! I never miss the Irish Dinner every year, it's a black tie affair, with exquisite wine, plenty of food, and good old fashioned Irish Humor.. all night long. You are sure to leave with a face ache, from laughing so much. If you ever get a chance to partake in a formal, or informal Irish Dinner, don't ever miss out. There could be 2 feet of snow falling, on the day of the dinner, and you can bet they'll all find a way to show up.

Anyone who hangs out with the Irish can tell you, you'll learn a joke or two along the way, because nobody in the world knows more Irish Jokes, well, than a Irishman. And they can tell it, like no body else can.

This St. Patty's Day, why not take a ganter down to the local Irish Pub, take in some awesome Irish Music, have a few Irish Whiskey's, drink some green Grogg, and laugh until your sides hurt.

Have a Great St. Patty's Day to all of you beautiful Irish lass's and lassies, home on the Green Fields, or hooting it up in where ever ye may be.

Here's some of the jokes I was telling you about. Hope to get a chuckle or two out of you.

 

'How far is it to the next village?' asked the American tourist. 'It's about seven miles,' guessed the farmer. 'But it's only five if you run!'

'I'd like some nails,' Mick requested of the ravelling tinker. 'How long would you like them?' asked the man. 'Forever, if that's all right with you,' said Mick.

'The baby is just like his father,' said Mary Quinn. 'But at least he's got his health!'

'I was going to give him a nasty look but he already had one!'

'You three are a right pair if ever I saw one!'

 

A guy walks into an Irish Pub in Boston, and takes a seat at the bar, next to two patrons, who had been sitting a while, with the drink in hand. He couldn't help but hear the conversation going on beside him, nor could he help but be intrigued.

One of the fellas, looked at the other and said.

"I'm from Ireland, you know."

The other looked over at him, and took a swig of whiskey, and said, "You don't say?"

The first man shook his head in surprise. "You don't say? What school did you go to?"

The man sitting next to the gentlemen at the bar, orders another drink, and nods toward the two patrons, while looking at the bar tender. "What's up with those two?" He asks.

The bartender chuckles quietly. "Ohhh the Clancy Brother's are at it again."

 

There was an Irish man standing on the dock, with the others waiting for the boat to come. A sweet Irish Lassie came and stood beside him and asked.

"What brings you to the port today?'

"Yep," he continued. "I will not know me brudder." He continued sadly.

"And why not?" The lassie asked curiously. "Why would you not know yer own brudder?"

"Aye, me brudder left 20 year ago, and I will not know me brudder." He answered.

"Because I never left." He said with a grin.

An Irish man is sitting in a boat, and it's a small boat that sprung a leak, and it's sinking fast.

A boat of a little larger size comes along, and the captain shouts out. "Come on, hop over, yer boat's sinking."

The Irish man sat quietly, contemplating the matter. After a moment he looks over at the Captain and shakes his head. "No tanks, the Lord's gonna save me."

After trying his best the Captain gave up, and sadly left the poor Irish man to sit in his sinking boat.

After a while, another more larger boat than the last came along and the Captain shouted out. "Yer boats sinking, hurry up and climb aboard."

The Irish man folded his arms firmly. "No tanks, I'm waiting for the Lord, he's gonna save me."

"It'll be your funeral lass if you don't hop in my boat."

"So much yew know, I believe in the Lord, and I'm staying right here until the Lord himself saves me."

The stubborn Irish man turned down a steam liner, with sailors trying to thrown him a line, and eventually his boat sank and he drowned.

Now at the pearly white gates stood a hopping angry Irish man, and he looked the Lord straight in the eye and said.

"Lord, what did I ever do all me forsaken life, to deserve such a wreched death? I believed in ya, I waited for ye to save me.. but ya didn't?"

The Lord looked down at his loyal Irish man and frowned. "I sent you two boats, and an ocean steamer, what more did yew want?"

An Brian O'Malley, a sweet Irish man and his family move to Toronto Canada, and he is job seeking. He decides he wants to join the RCMP, he's always liked the bright furry red hats, and loves horses. Anyway, he goes down town the headquarters and asks them for an application.

They greet him with enthusiasm, and give Brian the standard testing application, thinking they could find a spot for him somewhere on the team. Brian does a quick once over to the questionnaire, and snaps his fingers. On his way out, he told the RC's, that he best finish this at home, leaving them confused, he hops happily away.

When he got home he went straight to work filling out the questions which read.

Ques: Have you ever been arrested?

Ans: No.

Ques: Have you committed any crimes?

Ans: No.

Ques: Check off Religion.

Ans: Proud Strong Catholic.

Ques: Are you sure?

Ans: As sure as me mudders name is Mary.

Ques: Ok then, who killed Jesus?

His wife interrupts him, and asked him how his first job hunting went with the RCMP, to which Brian whispers, lowering his head. "Shh, I can't discuss it. It's top secret you know, I'm on a murder case."

An elderly couple were driving through County Kerry, Ireland. Irene was driving when she got pulled over by the Gardai, who asks her, 'Ma'am did you know that you were speeding?'

Irene turns to her husband, Mick and enquires, 'What did he say?'

Mick yells out, 'He says you were speeding!'

The Garda said, 'May I see your license, please ma'am?'

Irene, once again, turns to Mick and says, 'What did he say?'

Once more, Mick, shouts out, 'He wants to see your license!'

Irene gives the policeman her driving license.

The Garda retorts, 'I see you are from Kerry. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had.'

For the final time, Irene turns to Mick and asks, 'What did he say?'

Mick yells very loudly, 'He thinks he knows you!'

Seamus's wife Mary was steaming mad about her husband's third night in a row out at the pub, and after calling the pub 17 times for him to come home, she became more determined to teach that man a lesson. Now Seamus always walked home from the pub, predictable as no matter how much of the drink he had, he always knew the way home, and she knew the path well. She had gone out earlier that day and bought a mask that resembled the devil, and was bent on scaring him straight. Before the time he normally came home, she hid in the bushes, and slipped on her mask and waited in silence for Seamus to appear.

Off in the distance she could hear Seamus coming. He was whistling, and singing to himself, and she braced herself. When Seamus came close to her, she sprouted out of the bushes, and cut him off in his path and said.

"I am the devil, you should be home with yer wife."

He looked at her, made an ewwwe yuck, expression, and kept on going, resuming his singing and whistling.