Making a deep sexual connection or spicing up an old one can be more difficult than you imagine. You think of every new “technique’ to try and heat things up but nothing seems to work. You may even find that your man or woman is no longer turned-on -- or is completely turned off -- by the things that used to be the biggest turn-ons.
Your man or woman isn't exactly clawing your clothes off. What gives?
Some experts and some people say the solution is learning “good communication" skills but I have a different take -- and perspective.
Not only do I believe but I KNOW from personal experience and years of teaching this to others that learning good communication skills is not enough. You need to learn "emotional intimacy".
Knowing the right choice of words (please, sorry, thank you, etc.), and the “right" sentences (you look great, I appreciate you, I love you etc), and when and how to say all these “nice" things is all great but not enough to create meaningful, fulfilling and lasting intimacy with another person.
And over the years working as a relationships coach, I’ve met so many men and women who have “great communication skills" -- men and women who are articulate, eloquent and have good active listening skills (attending, paraphrasing, reflecting and all that sort of thing) and are even teaching these skills but these same people reach the age of 50, or more and some even die without ever experiencing true sexual intimacy because they never learned to be truly emotionally intimate.
And this is not even because “men and women are different" sort of argument. In fact most recent research proves that the difference between men and women beyond the obvious anatomical and physiological differences has been over exaggerated. There are almost just as many men as women who are so in touch with their emotions in a healthy way and just as many of both sexes who are unable to be emotionally intimate with anyone let alone experience true sexual intimacy.
True sexual intimacy begins and ends with emotional intimacy. I am not talking about Oh-My-God-You-Rock-My-Groin sweet friction, I am talking about SEXUAL INTIMACY -- when not just your body is involved but your mind, emotions, and spirit too!
1. If you want to experience the most passionate, most fulfilling and most meaningful sexual intimacy make sure that your lover feels truly KNOWN -- seen, heard, validated and cared for…
Sexual intimacy flourishes in an atmosphere of emotional safety. We open up when we feel safe. We take risks when we feel safe. If you want your lover to open up to you and take the risk of being emotionally intimate, you must create a safety “zone" where he or she can experience freedom from being judged as stupid, faulty, clumsy, incompetent, or worthless.
The challenge is - how do you create this safety for another person?
You'll be surprised at what you don't know about your man or woman when you make a genuine effort to get to really know them. Really take the time to focus your attention fully on your lover, even if it's just for a brief period of time. Just being fully present and attentively listening to him or her and what is really going on in his or her life-- feelings, needs, secrets, hopes, fears, embarrassments, expectations -- and then asking how they truly feel, "listening" beyond the words to what is not being said, and providing the reassurance he or she needs to know that you may not completely understand how he or she feels but you appreciate, accept and affectionately admire him or her, creates the "safety" needed for emotional intimacy.
This requires curiosity, understanding, genuine interest in what the other person is communicating and a sincere effort to seek and find all the barriers and defenses he or she has built to protect him or herself. If you find yourself trying to come up with ways you can use that information to get what you want, you are not being fully present, and you're not being emotionally honest with yourself and with your lover. Any time you abuse someone's emotional vulnerability you create a negative spiral -- suspicion, distrust, emotional distancing, anger, retaliation etc.
But most importantly let your lover BE him or herself. You can’t show someone that they are loved unconditionally if all they see is conditions and high expectations.
2. To get to this level of true sexual intimacy you have to be emotionally honest and open to begin with…
If you want your lover to be intimate --let his or her guard and masks down and stand naked emotionally and physically -- you must be willing and able to stand naked and vulnerable in your lover’s presence.
Emotional intimacy requires vulnerability and to expose our most vulnerable aspects to another is to expose our true selves. Many of us find this difficult to do because we have been trained from childhood to be emotionally dishonest with ourselves and with others. We have this inner sense of how much emotional vulnerability we can risk and how much love we can give to get love.
This imprint of “quantitative measures" of affection or love based on childhood lessons shapes our behaviors, beliefs, and expectations of all our relationships. Because we (erroneously) believe that our words, actions, efforts or contributions are always going to be measured and judged by others in this quantitative way, we do things in ways that we think will give us a favourable score.
So even if you so much long for someone to share with, to touch, to hold and to cherish you, you find that you are being rejected, lied to, avoided constantly, and “liked" (a lot) but not really loved.
You cannot be truly loved when you are holding back love because of the fear of not getting it back or for fear of rejection, judgement or criticism. The extent to which you are prepared to be (emotionally) vulnerable, reveal yourself to your lover and share your true self with that person determines the level of sexual intimacy that you will experience.
3. This is not just a desire to share your body but the comfort you have within yourself about who you are in your body…
Contemporary culture sends so many distorting messages about how to look and act and live that many of us have forgotten how it feels to be comfortable in our bodies again.
If you are not comfortable alone and if you are not comfortable in your own body, it’s highly likely that you will not be comfortable with some else’s body either. For couples who’ve been together a long time and seen each other naked so many times before, the problem is usually not about being comfortable with each other’s body, the problem is that you have seen each other's bodies so many times that you probably stopped noticing it altogether and just go straight for the action and mission to orgasm.
Taking time to re-discover each other and each other’s body can heat things up again. Make it your mission to spend more time patiently re-discovering your lover’s body with all the senses (of sight, smell, touch, hearing and taste). This will help you experience wonderful intimate moments that may seem like straight out of a fantasy. You’ll find that even cuddling and holding your lover is getting to know him or her deeply, in a very sexually fulfilling way.
When you have this level of intimacy -- with yourself and with each other -- to begin with, it’s much easier to come up with new ideas and suggestions on how to work together to meet each other’s sexual needs, wants and desire. You will find that the most passionate, most fulfilling and most meaningful encounters often times happen without words -- a knowing glance, a body gesture, a touch or even just an intuitive “feeling" will tell you exactly what the other wants and needs and give it to him or her the way he or she wants it --hard, deep and strong (and I am talking about emotions, silly... ;-)
About the Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach and author offering men and women practical tools and advice on how to make themselves attractive by using natural instinct, common sense and self-knowledge!
Christines websites: http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com
http://www.theartofseducingoutoffullness.com
http://www.playinghardtogettheloveway.com
