December 26, 2005
Brown, Jones, Smith, and Kapnitski, Attorneys At Law
New York, New York
Dear Mr. Claus:
We’d like to take this opportunity to thank you for the
wonderful job you did this past Christmas Eve.
All of the partners at our firm greatly appreciate the presents we found
under our trees and will put them to excellent use.
Having said that, we regret to inform you that a
class-action lawsuit has been filed against you by various religious, ethnic,
and civil groups (please see attachment A).
It would appear that certain practices you encourage are not considered
all-inclusive, and are found offensive by some of these groups. These practices include, but are not limited
to: Referencing the word “Christmas" in
your standard greeting (“Merry Christmas!") using the moniker “Saint
Nicholas", referencing a historic religious figure limiting your delivery
schedule to coincide with only one seasonal holiday, and excluding holidays
celebrated by other groups at or around the same time and generally
encouraging and promoting the celebration of a holiday that excludes so many
individuals and groups who do not believe in the religious influences and
practices associated with it.
We feel a lengthy court battle can be avoided, and your good
name salvaged, if you will make a few reasonable concessions (please see
attachment B). We look forward to
hearing from you on this matter at your earliest convenience.
Sincerely,
Charles Kapnitski, Attorney At Law
December 27, 2005
S. Claus International, Legal Division
Holly, Jolly, and Elfen, Attorneys At Law
North Pole, Earth
Gentlemen:
Mr. Claus has asked us as his legal counsel to express his
pleasure that you are enjoying the presents you received this year. Use them in good health.
We are disappointed that the groups you mentioned in your
letter feel it necessary to take legal action against our client in this
matter. He is a greatly respected
individual not only in the United States, but around the world as well. His reputation is without blemish, and we
can understand why you would express concern that it remain so. However, our legal firm has done some
research which we would feel remiss in not reporting to you.
First, we feel the numbers you quoted in your first
attachment concerning those individuals who claim to be offended are grossly
exaggerated. Based on the nearly
overwhelming number of letters our client receives every year from all around
the world, a significant number of children and their parents expect our client
to honor at least some of their requests.
These children come from various economic, ethnic, religious, and
cultural backgrounds. In fact, if
you’ll compare our list of names against yours (please see our attachment A-1)
you’ll see that a sizeable number of them coming from the groups allegedly
“offended" by our client’s activities.
We find it strange that those who claim to take offense against our
client are allowing their children to exacerbate what they feel is a
problem. We are certain, however, that
once these individuals are allowed to testify in court, they can explain the
apparent contradiction between their legal claims and their actions.
We can understand why you would believe your recommended
concessions are reasonable. However,
removing words from traditional Christmas phrases and replacing them with what
you term “religion-neutral" terms such as “Happy Holidays" or “Season’s
Greetings" or “Merry Solstice" only changes the wording. The true meaning of those unspoken words
remains in the hearts of those who truly believe, and these individuals will
not be afraid to speak out on the matter.
In fact, your attempt to stifle those who would express their beliefs
only emphasizes the issue, making many more people aware of what your clients
are attempting to do. Instead of
confidently brushing the issue under the rug, you will be bringing it out into
the open, allowing the public to weigh in with their opinions.
If logic does not help your clients understand the futility
of their suit, then maybe fiscal liability will. Your recommendation that our client remove all evidence of
religious influence from his activities is not only unreasonable but
potentially devastating to the world economy.
While many of our client’s actions are based on traditional Christian
practices over the centuries, many more stem from non-Christian and pagan
religious practices dating back several centuries before the birth of
Christ. The lighting and decorating of
trees, the preparation of large feasts for family and friends, and especially
the exchanging of gifts have been practices that have been in place in all
religious cultures during this time of year.
It would mean that our client would have to shut down his operation completely. Retailers around the world would lose
billions of dollars in sales. Because
so many companies do the majority of their business during this season, they
would find themselves forced to shut down due to lack of sales. People would lose their jobs, unemployment
would rise dramatically, and the world economy would grind to a halt. We do hope that your clients have great
faith in you and have deep pockets as well, considering that they (and you)
will no doubt be inundated with a flurry of lawsuits claiming lost incomes,
lost livelihoods, and of course the mandatory pain and suffering.
We look forward to meeting with you and your clients in
court to resolve this issue.
Sincerely,
Bernard Elfen, Attorney At Law
P.S. Our accounting
department has already modified the database for next Christmas. You will be pleased to know that you and
your partners have been moved to the “Naughty" list.
About the author:
Danny Davids is a self-admitted Christmas celebrant who really
does wish Mr. Claus’s legal council would write such a letter to whomever it
may concern.
