Grant me a sense of humor, Lord,
the saving grace to see a joke.
To win some happiness from life,
And pass it on to other folks.
When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes!
So you are looking to tickle your funny bone this Saint Patrick's Day. Before you head out to the Irish pub, put some of these little jokes in your cell phone, so you can txt people at the pub, and keep the jokes going. Hope some of these get a chuckle out of you.
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Warren.
Warren who?
Warren anything green today?
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Irish.
Irish who?
Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day!
What's little and green and stuck to your bumper?
A leprechaun who didn't look both ways.
Do leprechauns get angry when you make fun of their height?
Yeah, but only a little!
What's six feet tall, green, and has a crock of gold?
A leprechaun with a gland problem!
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, he started to leave.
"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," he replied, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ..."Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!"
"Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you."
So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground.
"T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers.
"Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!"
Billy and Pa' were walking in the woods when they came across a sign saying, "Tree Fellers wanted". One of them said, "Ye know, it's a shame paddy isn't here. We could have gotten the job".
At Saint Peter's Gate stood the latest line of Irishmen who had finished their time on earth. Saint Peter told them to stand in a line, side by side, and to pay attention, as he was about to sort them out.
The Irishmen did as they were told and lined up in row.
Saint Peter says, "Now all Irishmen that were henpecked, please take a step back."
The entire line took a step back, expect for one.
"Now Seamus," St. Peter said, taking a step towards him. "Everyone knows yer life story, why didn't you take a step back?"
Seamus looked up at St. Peter, and shifted his eyes from side to side, and replied. "Me wife told me to stay put."
Barty was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by.
"Help!" Barty shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!"
Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there."
Mick leaned out and grabbed Barty's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail.
After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Barty, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help."
As Mick was leaving, Barty called "Mick! Mick!
D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?
"T''was the Irish what invented the pipes, you know, and they gave them to the Scots as a joke. And you Scots have'nt gotten the joke yet!!"
A Texan rancher comes to Ireland and meets a Kerry farmer.
The Texan says : "Takes me a whole goddam day to drive from one side of my ranch to the other."
The Kerry farmer says: "Ah sure, I know, sir. We have tractors like that over here too."
Scorcher Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked,
"Have I got all ye say there?"
The agent said, "Certainly ye have...Why d'ye ask?"
Replied Murphy, "Cancel the sale...'tis too good to part with."
What is black and blue and found floating up sidedown in the Irish sea?
Someone who's tells a stupid Irish joke.
For some more Irish Jokes, click this link.
Like the warmth of the sun, and the light of the day, May the luck of the Irish shine bright on your way.
By: Sacreeta
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