Smack in the middle of most Februarys is a special holiday devoted to love - Valentine's Day. Of course, we Christians are supposed to love everybody, even the revolting and obnoxious. This holiday is certainly not about the love-everybody kind of love. Valentine's Day is a celebration of love, not based in moral duty but in delight of the heart.
The main focus is on romantic love, but the holiday encompasses more. Perhaps a result of the efforts of the marketing department of Hallmark, the celebration has certainly been broadened. We give Valentine cards and gifts to our parents, children, and friends. Though the central theme of Valentine's Day is still love of "sweethearts", the broader theme encompasses all love that involves the affections of our heart.
Thank God for this kind of love. I am glad to love others in this way, and I'm glad to be loved by others in this way. Aren't you?
Have you heard of the "Five Love Languages"? A book by that title, written by Dr. Gary Chapman, has this subtitle: "How to express heartfelt commitment to your mate." The operative word in the subtitle is "heartfelt." The point of the book is to help people communicate love in a manner that allows that love to be felt in the heart, not just known in the head. When, in certain relationships, love is not felt in the heart, it will not long be believed in the head.
For love to be felt in the heart it must be communicated in a language familiar to the heart. Here is the gist of "the five love languages" as put forth by Chapman. We humans communicate love in five different languages. They are: 1) Words of affirmation, 2) Quality time, 3) Receiving gifts, 4) Acts of service, and 5) Physical touch. Chapman states that each of us tends to have one or two of the five that stand out in importance to us. The one or two that stand out for me are not necessarily the same as my wife's. The trick is to know what her main love languages are and speak my love in those languages. If I am successful, she will feel my love in her heart. If I fail to adequately convey my love in those most important languages, she will not feel my love in her heart and will eventually begin to doubt my love in her head.
Not long ago I ran into a fellow who had previously come with his wife for marriage counseling. He told me again how helpful the love language material had been to him. He used to drop by a convenience store on his way home and buy his wife a pretty flower. After he discovered that "receiving gifts" was at the bottom of her list and "acts of service" was at the top, he altered his method of communicating love. He began loading the dishwasher regularly and was amazed at the difference in her response.
Let me encourage you to get to know the love languages of those dear to you. Then, make sure you are communicating in those languages. If you have trouble with this, seek and persist until you have found the help you need. The quality of your most important relationships depends on it.
Dane Tyner is founder and director of Home Improvement Ministry, a Christian family counseling service in Tulsa, OK.The ministry website is http://www.forhim.org.
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