I often receive inquiries from individuals seeking help with reports and presentations. I don't do that type of work as I consider such jobs in the same category as having all ones teeth pulled and I am an expert on the latter. Almost always the inquiries are by people with whom English is their second language and they are struggling to get all the silliness of rules and grammar and sentence structure straight in their minds. I can feel for these folks. The English language is a giant morass of rules, exceptions, opinions and just plain nonsense. Here are a few of my pet peeves about this crazy language we have all been forced to live with.
A great deal of our language is controlled by two distinct additions to a basic word. We call the additions prefixes and suffixes. A prefix is a semi-word that is added to the front of another word. Since the prefix, "pre" means "before" this makes sense. Why do we call a semi-word that comes after a word a suffix? Since the semi-word to mean after is "post", why don't we call those things postfixes?
We waste a lot of time learning our "nyms". I know what you're saying. There are no such words called "nyms" but there must be. We have synonyms and homonyms and antonyms all over the English language so there must be a word known as "nym" or how can we put prefixes in front of it to make all those other words.
A synonym is a word that means the same as another. But if we already have a word, why do we need others? Did a thesaurus salesman invent all those synonyms?
An antonym is a word that means the opposite but since the prefix for opposite is anti, why don't we call these words anti-nyms?
A homonym is even more confusing. Homonyms are words that sound alike but are spelled differently and have different meanings. Why didn't we just make new words so we wouldn't have to deal with this problem altogether.
Spelling the English language makes even less sense. We are told many words have an "e" on the end of them that is silent. Well if we don't pronounce the "e" why waste (there's one of those words right now) time putting them on in the first place.
We are told it is I before E except after C. But why? Who thought that one up? Why isn't it O after A except after J?
We are told to put an H after a P to get an F sound. Why not just use the F and be done with it?
Some words don't make any sense at all. With the prefix dis, we can write, "The disgruntled employees went on strike." Yet if we want to write that the employees are happy we can't just drop the prefix and write that the employees are gruntled.
If we say something over and over again we are considered redundant. Yet I have never heard anyone who says something just once being considered dundant.
We also have a whole group of double words that contradict themselves; such as upside down or random order or jumbo shrimp. What do we call these double words? We call them oxymorons. Do they have anything to do with oxygen or being an idiot? No, but we call them that anyway.
I could go on and on but my spell check is becoming overheated on my computer with this diatribe. I will leave you with one last thought. The skill of spelling a word according to how it sounds is called phonetics. That word not only doesn't spell out using phonetics but the word is a combination of phone and tics which has nothing to do with communication or little bugs. Although there seem to be plenty of bugs in the language we use to communicate.
Freelance writer, columnist, author and writing coach, ex-Chicagoan Mike Fak presently resides in Central Illinois. More information about Mike's services are available at his home website www.mikefak.com
Mike currently writes primarily humor columns for searchwarp bi-weekly and is the managing editor of www.lincolndailynews.com
Mike now offers a 26,000 word e-book on making money as a freelance writer for only $10.00 at this page. http://www.mikefak.com/id45.html
» left by susan thom from nj (1 year 243 days ago.)
hi mike,
oh so true! i was good in spelling and grammar, but i don't know why. i have to spell a lot for my partner, and he keeps saying, "How can that be right?" and i tell him, because the English language is mixed up. he can spell pho...you know, but not when it comes to words that make no sense in their spelling, and there are many. there were a couple of years, about 10 years or more ago, that the school was experimenting with having phonetics, but too many parents objected, and i guess it just didn't work out.
thanks for a good article,
best regards,
sue Respond to this comment
» left by Bill Williams from San Diego (1 year 243 days ago.)
Mike,
Spot on! Having been an English professor for some eight years, my biggest weakness was spelling. I hate spelling, along with grammar and literature, but that's another story. However, I am glad I grew up speaking it and it’s Spanish I’m learning to communicate better with my wife’s kids and not visa versa. Why does English suck? Let’s examine the problem more closely.
Consider that in English you can get the "f" sound whether you use "f", as in fat, "ff", as in staff, "gh" as in laugh, or "ph" as in phat (that's if you're hip). But my friend, Richard Lederer in his essay "English is a Crazy Language," has the closing remarks here.
"If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese... One blouse, 2 blice?"
"How can a "slim chance" and a "fat chance" be the same, while a "wise man" and "wise guy" are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while "quite a lot" and "quite a few" are alike? How can the weather be "hot as hell" one day and "cold as hell" another?"
"Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who are spring chickens or who would actually hurt a fly?"
"English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?"
"Now I know why I flunked my English. It's not my fault, the silly language doesn't quite know whether it's coming or going."
» left by Mike Fak(5,755) Mike Fak (1 year 242 days ago.)
All good ones Jeff. There have been thousands of books written about how to speak English. Maybe it's time someone wrote one explaining why none of us should. Thanks. Mike Respond to this comment
» left by Jeff Brown(9,646) Jeff Brown (1 year 242 days ago.)
Yes, I have often told my students that we shouldn't speak English and that it's a poor excuse for a language, but like an only child gone wrong, it's all we have. Nice communicating to you, regardless of the language. Respond to this comment
Thank God for the English language. I love it so much, it might very well be what I cherish most. Quirky, aggravating and not 100% mathematical? Possibly. Bad English is annoying, but bastardized English breaks my heart.
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