Submitted by: Sara O'Rourke(280) Sara O'Rourke Log in to become a member of Sara O'Rourke's Fan Club!
Behind the politics, the self-indulgence of my choice of fancy words and the awkward philosophies I detangle, I am really just your average girl- your average girl in a world where the definition of average has been warped way out of shape. Although the moment itself escapes me, I can recall what I did, just not why I did it, and it is only today that I finally feel sufficiently courageous so as to share it all with you.
At sixteen, you don't really know how to handle big emotions. Feelings, they hit you over the head with a blow that's great enough to knock your confidence right out of you. At sixteen, I felt the strongest for someone that I had ever felt about another person ever before, and when that person turned around and told me that it was time for me to stop feeling that way, I didn't know where to turn. Because feelings cannot be switched off- they are an ongoing current that needs to travel somewhere else, if not to fuel a relationship. Mine happened to take me all the way to the gym.
In my stomach, as I ran, I would feel a void that was painfully wonderful. My head felt as if it contained within it a sea of cold water, my limbs felt heavy as iron. And yet, for every stride on that treadmill, I could envisage myself running one stride further away from him. Yes, I would put on those great workout songs and imagine myself running down a pier with him chasing shortly after me. At the end, I would dive into the water, and my troubles would float away.
What started just a loss of appetite, for apparent reasons, became another scenario. My new physique was attracting new people. And, to an extent, I played up on that. That's not to say that I liked it, but I still did it, even though every time I got close with anyone else I hated the idea of their hands on me. My body had become a machine, no longer a temple. It was fit, powerful, and I could do to it what I wanted.
This was my mind-frame for a good five months. Then, after riding that high wave smiling and absorbing that euphoria, I crashed and cried and the world seemed blacker than it had ever looked before. It's difficult for me to properly describe my feelings, each individual train of thought, but I do know this: I knew what had been happening to me. I had developed a form of Bulimia. I researched it, and my new friends at the Psychiatric Clinic had confirmed my suspicion- a type, they say, where you exercise to cancel out any calorific intake.
Do I write to you today as a properly-recovered basketcase? I have no intention of lying. I've managed to reach a point where I can recognise that the blonde brand on MTV is not something I want to buy into. However, having come that far I will also say that I can trip and sometimes I think I will trip and fall down a very long way. How could I not? Around me the glossy magazine pages scream at me, they teach me biblically what is hot, what is overweight, what I should do to win his heart. If they didn't know the answers, why would they publish them?
Just as these magazines dictate to us the shape that our lives are to take, I will tell you now what I think. Problems such as this are frighteningly frequent. Some people, luckily, are strong-willed, and find the light all on their own. But there are others who fall by the side and these are the people that fund these super-skinny crazes. Recognise that there are imperfections in that glamorous, glittering celebrity world, and recognise that you are not alone.
James P Krehbiel(1,677) James P Krehbiel (70 days 15 hours ago.)
Sara,
Thank you for sharing your struggle and discussing the topic of Bulimia. I work with many patients with this problem. There are multiple reasons for the emergence of Bulimia, but I believe that self-blame and thwarted anger are usually the main culprits. Thanks again and I hope that you find healing and support! Be well. Respond to this comment
Myla Madson(1,978) Myla Madson (69 days 16 hours ago.)
Your brave to tell your story Sara. I am glad you are recognizining what you need to do to overcome this problem...telling your story is a part of the recovery process. Keep writing, I find it to be very theraputic. lol Respond to this comment
Creative Blogger(3,595) Creative Blogger (69 days 15 hours ago.)
Sara, you're a good girl, whatever struggle you face it will always be a step closer to being a better person for yourself and through your writing and 'being' better for others too. Such is life. It's a learning curve.
I would like to tell you that as we get older we can better cope with those feelings that overwhelm us, not sure that's the case. Perhaps we just learn how to avoid those situations that might give rise to them more.
sue thom from nj (69 days 9 hours ago.)
hi sara,
you described what you were going through
and feeling beautifully.
i went through much the same at 19, some 30
years ago. it's not fun, and it doesn't go away
as easily as it comes.
please keep writing.
thanks for sharing with us.
my best regards,
sue thom Respond to this comment
Anonymous (69 days 2 hours ago.)
Sara,
What a beautifully written article! You are highly articulate and an intelligent young woman. I'm sure you will make it because you have such an optimal capacity for seeing, understanding and expressing. If I may, I'd like to give you a little golden rule to add to your growing arsenal of life coping skills, and it is this: Always be your own best friend because you are the only person you will live with for the rest of your life.
Keep up the good work and I very much look forward to reading your wonderful writing again. Respond to this comment
Michele Winslow(773) (68 days 18 hours ago.)
Thank you for your frankness and sharing your pain. My 17 year old granddaughter, went thru the I'm fat phase at 16 also. Never mind that she is 5 ft 2 in and only 98 pounds, which is underweight even for that height. This is one article which I will print out and give to her, maybe coming from someone her own age will help her realize what she is doing to herself. Respond to this comment
I am very sorry to hear about your granddaughter.
It's unsurprising, in one respect, that she feels this way. Perhaps, her friendship group may be going through the same type of thing- I know this was true for me. Eating and diet just became a current topic for us all. Could go as far as calling it competitive.
I am very flattered that you are choosing to print my article off for her to read. I am sincerely very glad to hear that my writing is helping people.
If I can be of any more help, please do not hesitate to ask.
Dianne Lehmann(1,826) Dianne Lehmann (68 days 17 hours ago.)
Hi Sara. Creative Blogger said that she is not sure that we get better at handling those sorts of emotions as we get older, but I am certain that we do. The teen age years are a time of shifting hormones and the emotions that go along with them. Teenagers are trying to figure out how they fit into the world and it is a very troubled time. But it does get easier. I'm 55 now, but I remember being 16 very well. That was a difficult phase of my life that I have no desire to return to...ever. Because you are so self-aware and intelligent (as evidence by your excellent writing), I am sure that you will come through this with wisdom and self-healing. Thank you for sharing your life with us. Be well and be happy. Respond to this comment
Teresa Ortiz(2,799) Teresa Ortiz (68 days 9 hours ago.)
Sara, I applaud your bravery and honesty in sharing your story. This courage alone, will keep you moving in the right direction. I'm praying for you. Being a young girl this day in age is tough. I just bet someday, you will share your victory with others and they will find hope in your courage. Keep writing and sharing. God bless you! Teresa Respond to this comment
Sandra E. Graham(842) Sandra E. Graham from Paragould, Arkansas, USA (44 days 19 hours ago.)
Wonderful article, Sara. I had my daughter and granddaughter read it and they loved it. You are a good person, Sara.
God Bless you.
SEG Respond to this comment
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