Submitted by: Leo Ponder(243) Leo Ponder Log in to become a member of Leo Ponder's Fan Club!
For all you diet conscious freaks out there I feel compelled to let you in on, it seems, a well kept secret. Here it is. Two words. Don't eat! Works 100% Of the time and doesn't cost a cent. In fact it saves money. I don't do it simply because it makes me hungry. My idea is to order a chocolate sundae Complete with whipped cream and, "Oh yes! Would you please cut the cherry? I'm on a diet."
I can't describe the satisfaction I feel when the blobs standing behind me at the ice cream parlor silently shuffle closer after overhearing my order.
They want to know my secret. What's this about cutting the cherry? Can I Do that? Is this a new diet?
I can stand the mental anguish they are suffering, as I attack the mountain of calories, but the stares are heart rending.
One of my favorites is to cook bacon until it's nice and crisp (all the fat burned out) pour the grease over my biscuits and give the bacon to my dog.
I mean P.E.T.A. would have a conniption (i.e. a hysterical fit caused by extreme excitement or anger) if I gave him the bacon fat and they don't give a damn about me.
Besides he hates his dry dog food and becomes very despondent when there is no beef. He can't stand the dry food just as I can't stand dry cereal. He's always waiting happily when he smells the aroma of bacon. The key word here is "happy" not calories.
Calories are hard to define to a dog. Bacon is not. We have a remarkable camaraderie in that area.
Of course he chases cats too, but I don't condemn him nor do I feel any particular inclination to extend our camaraderie in that area, like I do in the culinary. (although he always tries to encourage me to join the yapping) Even if I could it would be silly to try to explain the consumable calories derived from eating a whole cat.
He would do it anyhow, regardless. Seems to make him happy, even above the screams of the neighbor, so I can't bring myself to interfere with such trivial pursuits. He's just shopping for more food in his own ancestral way. We are all guilty of that.
I don't need Dr. Flabberguts newest book on dieting, Eat all you want and lose weight." Save your money. It doesn't work. We all want to have our "cake" and eat it too. As a matter of fact that's my answer.
A hefty slice of chocolate cake satisfies most of the requirements of the food groups that we must consume every day. Milk, eggs, bread, etc.
Don't ever pass up a large triple layer, double chocolate frosting cake. It'll Make you unhappy and you'll miss all those wonderful food groups.
Since it has long been that happiness is the key to longevity, I had to ask Myself what made me happy and what made me sad. The dieter might well Do the same. Is it steak and potato or is it lettuce? Is it apple pie or not? Is it a good night's sleep or is it reading Dr. Flabbergut's book until the wee hours? I choose the former in all the questions above.
It makes me and my dog happy and I save thirty dollars on the book.
I can't speak for the diet nuts, but as far as I am concerned I'm headed For the Pizza Hut. That's the happiest place I know. Not one soul there Is a diet nut. Not one person frowns on my plate piled high with all the goodies. (yes, even chocolate pizza) and no one has ever heard of Dr. Flabbergut. And they're all, myself included, deliriously happy. My only Regret is that I can't bring my dog. He could show'em how to be happy in a place like that!
If you really love wilted lettuce, skim milk (3ounces) and burnt toast (one slice and no butter please) I'd like to sell you some stock in a bridge in New Jersey. Tell it to someone else and don't bother honest people with your fabrications. Get the "hitch up your pants" attitude like the rest of the normal population. All the overweight people I know, were eating burnt Toast, twenty years ago and still rolling in the fat stuff.
I love to antagonize the culinary correct who for breakfast always asks for a wheat muffin, while I speak loudly enough for all to hear.
"I'd like the buttermilk pancakes topped with blueberry compote and whipped cream, three eggs (over easy) steak and bacon, with side orders 0f hash browns and grits covered with sausage gravy and cut the chocolate chips, I'm on a diet.
When I start on that happy meal, you can cut the room tension with a knife.
Hungry people are downright rude. Sometimes I even feel a bit cruel as they nibble at their dry bagels. It's really quite sad. All the nuts would have to do is learn what to cut and be happy about it! That's the secret.
» left by Dane Tyner(496) Dane Tyner (113 days 9 hours ago.)
Leo, this was a funny piece. I like your sense of humor. Think I'll head for IHOP for a big breakfast, then by the Cold Stone Creamery for a treat. Respond to this comment
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