When I was 8-10 years old my paternal aunt and her family came for a visit. My sister, my cousin and I were playing croquet in the yard. Someone got the bright idea to play catch with croquet balls. My cousin, a year my senior, threw the ball to me. I'll say the sun was in my eyes, it was a wild pitch, or something like that; but somehow, the ball missed my hands and bounced off my forehead.
Thus wounded, I ran to the house wailing. As I remember, Dad and Uncle Lawrence were pretty calm. Mom was freaking out. The huge knot on my head looked like the ball had imbedded itself in my frontal lobe. After Mom applied ice and got me settled down to mild whimpering, I went out to where my dad and uncle were sitting. Uncle Lawrence gave me a dime (decent money for a kid back then) as he tried to get me to stop crying. I don't know if he actually said it then, but I know I heard this enough times growing up for it to stick: "Hey, you're a big boy. Don't cry." Understand this: I was not being shamed for crying, I was just being encouraged to believe that "big boys" don't cry. Of course, I wanted to be a big boy.
This was a memorable incident of public crying. I had other cries that were private. My parents' bad marriage ended when I was about 20. Their relationship had vacillated from "cold war" to intense verbal and physical combat. For several years, my bedroom was right above theirs. I remember well hearing their angry voices below, the fear it produced, and the tears I could not hold back. I remember praying to God to make my parents get along. He didn't seem to hear me. As a child, I was not much of a theologian, so I didn't even try to figure this out. Eventually, I quit praying.
Honestly, some of the passion for the work I do as a Christian minister, specializing in family counseling, is rooted in those unanswered prayers. My parents needed help serious help. That help was not as available, back when a dime was decent money to a grade-school kid, like it is today. To my knowledge, neither of my parents ever talked with a pastor about their problems. And I'm pretty sure Dad would not have gone to anyone under any circumstances. Our whole family Dad included paid dearly for that stubbornness and pride.
Many children in my community and yours curl up in their beds in fear and cry (or try not to cry) because of the hostile relationship of their parents. They may even pray as I did. Their prayers will go unanswered, too, if their parents cling to their pride and stubbornly insist that they need no help.
Twenty-five years of family ministry have taught me that the problem with dysfunctional family life is not as much in the supply of help as in the demand for it. I have had to face the hard fact that my family would probably not have gotten the help, even if it were as available as it is today. I think I can hear Dad's protest: "We don't need no counseling. Pastor preached that sermon series on marriage, and you haven't even done what he said in his first sermon yet."
I wrote this article for a little boy or girl who has been crying and praying. If it is your boy or girl, today is the day to change things. God wants to answer his or her prayers; but He needs you to humbly cooperate with Him.
Dane Tyner is founder and director of Home Improvement Ministry, a Christian family counseling service in Tulsa, OK.The ministry website is http://www.forhim.org.
» left by Susan Thom(11,925) Susan Thom (1 year 218 days ago.)
hi dane,
a very well written, interesting article that i can relate to.
i enjoyed reading . thank you for sharing,
best regards,
sue thom Respond to this comment
» left by Dane Tyner(296) Dane Tyner (1 year 217 days ago.)
Thank you, Susan, for reading and for the affirming comment. I know you can't relate to the "little boy" part, but little girls cry for the same reasons, don't they? Respond to this comment
» left by sue thom from nj (1 year 217 days ago.)
hi dane,
yes, they do, and they are also told not to cry.
however, when we grow up and keep everything in, and get auto immune diseases, and depression, etc., we wonder why?
my best,
sue Respond to this comment
» left by Dane Tyner(296) Dane Tyner (1 year 217 days ago.)
Sue, you are absolutely right. The stuff we stuff comes out someway, sometime. I am not only interested in helping people express painful stuff held inside, but in reducing the amount of painful stuff we are exposed to - especially at home. Thanks for reading. Respond to this comment
» left by Robert Melaccio, Sr.(5,205) Robert Melaccio, Sr. (1 year 214 days ago.)
I found it a very good article but I am not as much in agreement concerning help or at laset as I understood you. Our personal experiences have just not seen that aspect and believe me we have looked or as you say, demanded. Yet, I enjoy your aricles. Respond to this comment
» left by Dane Tyner(296) Dane Tyner (1 year 214 days ago.)
Robert, I'm glad to know that you enjoyed this article. I understand you to say that you have looked for help and not found it, or what you found was not helpful. That happens, I must admit. I am convinced, however, that more people could be helped if they would seriously look for help and keep looking until they found some. Respond to this comment
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