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Children are great teachers, if you listen to them. When I am tired and stressed, I am a useless parent. If my younger daughter, Bethany, marches into the living room and accuses her older sister of hitting her, I will call Natasha into the room, shout at her and send her to her room. Later, I will go to see her, explain that I was tired and stressed, and listen to what she has to say. If she's not too angry with me, she'll tell me and we'll reach understanding. If not, I just have to live with doing her another injustice.
But when I am not tired and stressed, we deal with Bethany's accusations in a completely different way. I call Natasha into the room and ask her to tell Bethany why she hit her. It usually goes something like this:
Natasha: "You bit me!"
Bethany: (Looking sheepish at first, but then defiantly). But that was because you called me stupid!
Daddy: Is that true, Natasha?
Natasha: Yes – but she is stupid.
Daddy: I told you to never call her stupid. Why is she stupid this time?
Natasha: Because she is.
Daddy: (Exasperated) Bethany, why does Natasha think you are stupid?
Bethany: I'm not stupid – she's just calling me that because she thinks I laughed at her drawing.
Natasha: (Talking to Bethany). That's right - you laughed at my drawing! You made me feel stupid.
Bethany: I didn't laugh at your drawing. I laughed at your face!
Natasha: And, then you called me stupid.
Daddy: Bethany, did you call her stupid?
Bethany: (Silence)
Daddy: Bethany?
Natasha: See! She's always telling lies about me.
Bethany: I do not – you're always bullying me.
Natasha: That's because you are stupid.
Daddy: (Hands in air) Natasha! Stop that.
Natasha: See – you're always taking her side!
Daddy: That's not true.
Natasha: But you do. You always do.
Bethany: No he doesn't!
Daddy: Is that what this is about? You think I am taking her side?
Natasha: (Silence)
Bethany: He doesn't Tash. He sends me to my room sometimes too.
Natasha: (Moody silence).
Daddy: I've got one thing to say to you both.
Both: (Silence)
Daddy: (After a pause, and in a thick Yorkshire accent). I don't like gravy….
Both: (Laughing)
Daddy: Come here….
(Hugs both children).
The reason little people (kids) are great teachers is that they are pretty useless at hiding their emotions (unless they have already suffered emotional trauma). They show how they feel and this makes it easier in a dispute to read what is going on. Adults, on the other hand, are practiced at "dramaturgical performances" – a phrase coined by Erving Goffman (1969) to describe the acting abilities of big people. A more recent phrase that is easier to understand is "deep acting". Adults have had years more experience practising how to conceal their emotions (and had more time to grow afraid of expressing them). Their performances are much more convincing than a child's but are not perfect enough to fool all people all of the time.
Another reason kids are great teachers is that they stay emotionally engaged with the person they are arguing with (at least in my house they do) and do not go off in a huff and refuse to speak to the other person. Adults, I find, withdraw quickly or go silent if someone questions their integrity or values. That makes it much harder to have a conversation like the one above and to trace what triggered feelings of hurt or rejection. Another way to look at this, however, is to consider the level of intimacy. We have intimate relationships with other family members, and this makes it easier to argue. With people we know less well, it is not possible to argue in the same way (at least, not until an intimate relationship has developed) so the style of disagreeing has to be more diplomatic and subtle.
We are often told that not behaving like children is a mark of maturity and "being civilised" but I want to suggest to you that the reverse is closer to the truth. Think back to the opening quote in Chapter 1 of Emotion, Sedcution and Intimacy (Ridley-Duff, 2007): "the meetings would get so violent that people almost went across the table at each other…People yelled…they waved their arms around and pounded on tables…faces would get red and veins bulged out."
This was a description of the behaviour of top executives and technicians in one of the most 'successful' companies of their generation resolving differences over business plans. There is, therefore, a view that "excellent" companies allowed for, and took advantage of, the most evolved part of our capabilities, namely "the emotional … side (good and bad) of human nature". Good and bad! Or perhaps, calm and excited, quiet and loud, passive and assertive, reflective and activated.
What these executives have in common with my children is two things:
· They are not frightened of their own emotions
· They are not frightened of other people's emotions
Both are signs of emotional maturity.
Natasha, our first child, was the first of her generation. For two years she was the centre of attention from parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and family friends. Then others in our family had children. Four years later we had our second child, Bethany. The day her younger sister came home from hospital, Natasha told us at the end of the day: "you can take her back now!" We sat down to explain that Bethany would be staying with us, and that the nurses at the hospital were only there to help with the birth.
Gradually, Natasha got less and less attention as the younger ones got more and more. While growing up helped, there are still times when she feels vulnerable because she does not get all the attention she used to have. Sometimes, instead of complaining to dad (Rory) or mum (Caroline) she takes her frustrations out on her younger sister. In her more secure moments, she admits this is because it is easier than getting angry with a grown up.
But Bethany, I found, is already a smart cookie herself. It was only when we were old enough to track back events that I realised just how selective Bethany is in truth telling. She does not lie so much as only tell part of the story. To her credit she is an honest soul – if challenged she admits the other side of a story. In our quieter moments, she tells me that the reason she does this is to compensate for being the youngest and smallest. In her words, "I can't ever win". Make a note of this – she is economical with the truth because others are all stronger and she can never win a physical fight. She can, however, sometimes win the verbal fights. If she catches us when we are tired or stressed, she can sometimes control her older/bigger sister.
The technique we use to resolve arguments owes a debt to Staying OK by Amy and Tom Harris, sequel to the bestseller I'm OK - You're OK (Harris, 1970; Harris & Harris, 1986). It is a technique called 'trackdown' where you go back over the events that have fuelled an argument until you spot how it started. That way, you can deal with the root cause – emotional hurt caused by perceived exclusion - rather than superficial behaviour that constitutes a reaction to feeling hurt.
Adults, however, often refuse to engage in trackdown because they want to hide the emotions and thoughts that drive their behaviour. Sometimes, they may not even be aware of them (which is the value of using trackdown as a diagnostic tool). With Natasha and Bethany – as with most people, whether young or old - the root cause is almost always that one thinks another is getting favourable treatment. This triggers one to attack the other directly (hitting, shouting, verbally abusing) or indirectly (telling tales). In the workplace, physical violence normally results in an immediate sacking, verbally abusing could lead to being disciplined, this leaves tale telling as the principle way for work colleagues to discipline and control each other.
Now here is why children are as emotionally mature as the executives in the opening quotation. They find ways to express, then process, strong emotions while remaining emotionally close to the people with whom they are in dispute. During a decade or so of school, however, children are socialised to repress strong emotions and work in silence to make it easier for teachers to control them. The workplace has no need of such tight controls because workers are not in a one-way learning environment with a 30:1 ratio between teacher and learner. This makes school-like disciplines particularly ineffective. A much better approach is to bend and flex so that expressions of emotion are not only permitted, but point the way toward mutual understanding and the pleasures of making up after an argument. As Aronson (2003) reports, the most enjoyable and satisfying relationships, as reported by adult couples, also have higher levels of conflict.
Other References
Aronson, E (2003) The Social Animal, New York: Worth Publishers.
Goffman, E. (1969) The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life, Harmondsworth: Penguin.
Harris, T., Harris, A. (1986) Staying OK, London: PAN.
Harris, T. (1970) I'm OK – You're OK, London: PAN.
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