Submitted by: Leo Ponder(250) Leo Ponder Log in to become a member of Leo Ponder's Fan Club!
I'm only beginning to learn the complexities of raising a family in America. It's far too complicated for one lifetime. Some have even asserted that it shortens your life, considerably. Nevertheless I have my methods , as crude as they are. When I'm feeling particularly Exasperated, I sometimes go to my front yard and shout. This causes my neighbors dog to run out his chain and choke himself. It's really great therapy. Wall eyes, two foot tongue dripping with hate and not a thing he can do about it! Now that's control.
If I could harness that kind of power, I could bring up my children in a more dominate atmosphere. But when I seem to succeed in one area, I totally fail in another.
When my 15 yr. old young daughter recently professed a desire to "be like Barbie", I rejoiced in her choice of an all American dream. Sweet. Beautiful. Kind.
"Darling, (I called her Darling on occasions to dilute her other rebellious attributes). I'm impressed. Why?
"Cause that B_ _ _ has everything."
O.K. Maybe we need to instill a little bit more unselfishness, along with a few lessons on materialism not to mention vulgarity.
"But she has to buy her friends," I countered, trying to start somewhere.
And therein lies part of the problem with parents. They just don't think in the same tank as the children. Most of us are not head shrinks and have a hard time understanding the complicated neurons that traverse a child's brain. But we must somehow know the right answer to prevent a new Cher Bono or Marilyn Manson. (or any other Manson)
I, for one, are not especially gifted in the area of sound parental advice. But I am learning. When my daughter needs the soundness of a child psychologist's answers, I usually ask her to watch the Simpsons. Homer has a fairly good head for advice. Sometimes I get it right. Sometimes I get it wrong. (if my wife overhears).
"Dad, I'm just slow in track," whined my 16 yr. old son. "What's wrong with me?"
My wife looked up from her book, with apparent interest in my answer. I had no idea what to say. Suddenly my eyes brightened. I had the perfect answer.
"You weren't slow in the biggest race of your life"
"When was that?" he asked.
"Well, out of two million sperm you were the fastest"
My wife dropped her book, and stared as if I was a madman.
The boy's face suddenly took on a look of victorious gladiator, he straightened up and walked out of the room like a cocky Bantam Rooster.
Now that's control! Until My wife. Later. She's like a woman with PMS and a gun. You don't ask questions when she's talking.
To err is human, to forgive is against family policy.
I made a trip to the fence again. The dog. The chain. Vicious hate. Control.
But nobody has to remind me of the seriousness of mine or any parents responsibility. We first and foremost have to set shining examples to our offspring. That means no more describing "the one that got away", as the truth neither should your golf score be directly proportional to the number of witnesses. Children may be different but they're not dumb. To them work is for people who don't party. They never read a newspaper, watch the evening news, nor volunteer to take out the garbage. The sperm race didn't end with attachment to the egg, but only escalated into raging hormones, fully culminated 16 years
But hormones are dangerous as I discovered only recently, mostly to Dads.
I was reading the evening paper in the den. My daughter in the living area. My wife was finishing the dishes as usual. A nice quiet family. Right? Wrong.
A blood curdling scream. I jumped up. Some thing must have attacked my daughter. I visualized all sorts of scenarios, played out with blood and gore.
Jerking the lamp and cord out of the wall, I raced to save her, holding the lamp as a club. I found her sitting on the couch, sobbing.
"What's wrong," I shouted, erasing the attacker from my mind and now considering an aneurysm with visions of emergency rooms and ambulances. No answer. I put my hand on her shoulder.
"It's alright," my wife entered the room, calmly drying a plate. "It was just Johnny, the new boy, driving by, slow."
"Johnny," I gasped, "What the hell did he do?"
"Nothing." my wife turned back to the kitchen. I followed her with the lamp still at battle ready. "He just drove by slow."
That's one explanation of hormones. There are others but education comes slowly for the inexperienced.
Red beady eyes. Chain rattling. Saliva everywhere. Voice now growing hoarse as I snapped the hedge cutters toward the dragon. I walked calmly around the hedge as close as possible to the snarling fangs. Hate with a sense of desperation covered my back as I snipped the twigs that did not need it. The bush was growing smaller. It seems I trim it more often these days.
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» left by Myla Madson(2,381) Myla Madson (152 days 20 hours ago.)
Leo, Leo, Leo... I also yell at the world sometimes. Probably why I moved so far out into the country, less folks to hear me screaming at the top of my lungs at nobody in paticular. Similar frustrations only no dog to torment, just a nosey neighbor with a gimp leg and look of utter amazement on his face. Frekin guy is ALWAYS outside! Can't a girl scream in peace! Love your style Leo. You're quite the writer. Not only in style but entertainment value as well. Glad to see you are submitting often...just one question, do you run your articles by your wife first or is this a secret, less intrusive therapy you're trying out? Respond to this comment
» left by Susan Thom(8,185) Susan Thom (151 days 12 hours ago.)
hi leo,
as a mother of a 17 year old son, 20 year old son, and 22 year old daughter, all i can say to you is move....by yourself!
very well written, clever, funny, and truthful article.
there could be raccons jumping in and out of the garbage, and no one would care.
they'd just think it was the cat!
best regards,
sue thom Respond to this comment
» left by Laura Trahan(30,688) Laura Trahan (148 days 11 hours ago.)
Leo-I love the humor in the article! Of course, I assume it is humor! I will say a prayer for you because chances are it is only going downhill from here! Thanks for the laugh! Respond to this comment
» left by Leo Ponder(250) Leo Ponder (148 days 9 hours ago.)
Thanks all for your uplifting comments, which is all that authors get. Unless of course you are Dean Koontz. Most all my thoughts are meant to be humorous
more so than factual. but they are also meant to portray events to which we can relate. At least that is what I would hope.
To answer Myla's question as to whether I run my articles by my wife first.
Nope. Because she is so squeaky honest I couldn't explain the little untruths
that combine to make the article believable, but yet relatable. Besides she loves the Hobby Lobby and Dollar Store (impeccably miserly too) too much to concern herself with mere words. Ha! Thanks again all.
(See! I have to write a book just to comment.) Respond to this comment
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