Let's face it, breaking-up hurts and it hurts badly!
The first few days or weeks after a break up are especially the most painful of all -- the pain feels like it'll never end.
-- You cry a lot
-- You feel lost and alone
-- Everything you see and hear reminds you of him/her and your time together
-- You feel hopeless and have a hard time imagining a happy future
-- You lose your appetite and interest in everyday activities
-- You feel real pain and ache in your heart -- intense sadness, jealousy, disappointment, rage, or even downright denial.
-- Your body aches all over and you have cramps, nausea, and dizziness.
-- You keep replaying the painful moments of the break-up
-- You feel sorry for yourself
These are all very normal reactions to a break-up even if the relationship was the worst relationship in the world. Thankfully, these intense torture gradually eases and most people with time find that it hurts less and less. They are able to think more calmly about what has happened, and at some point be "emotionally available" for other experiences.
Looking at it this way, it does seem that time indeed does heal all wounds even though some wounds take longer than others. But it's been weeks, months and even years after the break-up and you are still so overwhelmed by the experience that you are unable to recover and bounce back. Why can't time heal your wounds too?
From personal experience and working with others over the years, I strongly believe that it is not the ticking of the clock that heals the pain but rather the things we do or fail to do during that time that make the difference.
Any of these attitudes, thought patterns, behaviours or emotional processing styles can potentially hinder time's attempts to get on with the work of healing and moving on, or healing and trying to re-create a new relationship with one's ex.
1. Re-running the break-up over and over again, and rehearsing arguments you have had, again and again thinking that maybe something will make sense eventually and you will come to terms with the intense feeling of emptiness and loneliness. But often times what this seemingly rational thing to do does is keep you on the roller coaster of bitterness, anger, guilt, confusion, shame, embarrassment, disappointment and shock -- and can take you into the depths of depression.
2. Thinking that your happiness, sense of identity and your life itself is all tied to this one single person and now it's all over. Just thinking about the break-up stirs deep regret -- not regret about just losing your loved one but regret for all the "'wasted" time' and for all the lost dreams for the future. On the bad days, you feel as though you can't even breathe and plummet into a panic attack unable to imagine a future without your ex. And while this may look to you like "proof' that you loved your ex a lot, in reality it's proof that your life is a giant gaping hole that nothing can ever fill, not even your ex and that in itself makes you so sad -- if it doesn't it should.
3. Refusing to be emotionally honest with yourself and admit that the painful emotions you feel are real -- and they are yours. This is so often the case with people who sort of regard emotions such as anger, sorrow, regret or feelings of loss as abnormal, unacceptable and incorrect. Because you feel disadvantaged for having these emotions you either fear feeling these emotions believing you'll lose control to the emotions or because you do not want to admit that you are "less than perfect" you try to "bottle" up and end up effectively putting emotional processing on hold. That's a lot of self-imprisoning just to avoid a few minutes of "emotional weakness"!
4. Refusing to accept reality and unwilling to see how you are creating your own personal and relationship problems. When you see your problems as caused by external factors (such as, the man obviously has a problem with commitment, the woman is damaged by this or that, if only he/she would do this I'd not have done that, if only our society was more..., it's my parents fault I am this way. etc) you find yourself constantly looking for someone or some situation to blame -- your ex, his or her friends, the new man or woman in your ex's life etc. Blaming feeds your pain with emotional poison.
5. Dwelling on feeling guilty about past actions and beating the hell out of yourself for things that you said that shouldn't have been said and things that you did that now looking back are really really stupid. There is a huge difference between taking responsibility for your actions and constantly reminding yourself that you are a failure and will probably always be a failure because you have nothing to offer. Refusing to forgive yourself keeps you locked up in the past and unable to let go.
6. Always thinking of the worst, cursing your fate and constantly complaining about anything and everything. It's true that break-ups challenge your picture of how the world operates so much that the experience eventually erodes optimism and replaces it with negativity, hopelessness and powerlessness. But just trying to make it through each day but not actually living it or even looking forward to the next grinds down your ability to even enjoy the little things in life. You just want to give up and go stick your head in sand -- as you wait for the world to change.
7. Taking almost everything very personally and being hyper-vigilant to the most innocent of remarks. When you've been rejected and still feel that rejection, you become extremely suspicious of other's intentions and become overly "rejection sensitive". Often times you feel rejection even where there is no rejection, and you may find that you react hastily in an attempt to reject before you are rejected. This drives most good people and things out of your life adding to the feeling that you're being re-rejected again and again. You feel like there is just no end to the painful reality of being unwanted.
8. Wallowing in self-pity and actually trying to solicit "pity" from anyone you think might give it to you. After the break-up you want all your mutual friends to know how badly you are hurting (and may be, just may be they'll mention it to your ex in away that will make him or her reconsider the break-up). But here is the problem, these people may not care, may not want to be involved and may actually think the break-up was a good thing for one or both of you. So when you don't get the response you expected, you feel like nobody really "cares", and sometimes you project your pain onto these people who may then react in ways that further hurt you. So now you are not only hurt by your ex's actions, you are hurt by theirs too -- talk about piling pain on top of pain.
9. Listening and taking advice from people who themselves have gone though a break-up experience and remained bitter, angry, resentful, hateful and even vengeful. It's so sad that in our society today the voices of bitterness and hate are louder and overabundant. Well, that's the world we live in, but when you are already in pain, you are prepped for anything that temporary numbs the pain, and some advice -- however well-meaning -- can entrap you in loneliness and doom you to be chronically heartbroken.
10. Trying to get your ex back in a state of desperation, anger or emotional melt-down. A break-up usually brings out "the crazy" even in the most intelligent of people. All that begging, persuading, pleading that you have changed, obsessive calling, waylaying your ex, writing free verse poems of how the break-up is killing you, manipulating and even threatening your ex may supply you with a serious rush of adrenaline you need for day-to-day survival immediately after the break-up; but these actions also leave you so confused and so traumatized (let alone so mad) that you end up embodying the very real, very deep-rooted fears of total rejection that may haunt you for the rest of your miserable life.
I also want to add, these crazy things you do to try to get your ex back are a tactical mistake if you are thinking about future reconciliation. That crazy like a fox behaviour makes your ex over sensitive to you (not in a good way) and he or she will react to you with defensiveness, suspicion and/or anger.
As my mother has always said, how bad something is depends a lot on how bad you allow it to be. So if you feel your pain is over-extended or out-of-control, you should consider seeking help from outside sources, such as a counsellor, mentor or spiritual advisor. Someone not directly involved can bring a calmer perspective to the situation as well as new ideas, and insights that can help you feel normal again.
Yes, you can feel normal again but you've got to want it otherwise nothing will ever work. I've worked with clients who have made their pain their best companion. They seem so determined to hold onto their new found love (pain) so much that it's impossible to break-up the two. Don't let life pass you by!!!
If you are serious about getting back your ex, you might want to check out my e-Book: Dating Your Ex - What You Can Do Tonight, Tomorrow And The Next Day To Get Your Ex Back
About Author: Internationally renowned Dating & Relationships Coach, Christine Akiteng has devoted years of her life re-uniting couples and has seen over and over again first hand what works. She has woven together solid-gold advice on just about every stage of getting back together with your ex to help you make the process less scary and shaky and more exciting and smooth as possible.
Christine's main website: http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com
e-Book: http://www.datingyourex.com
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